Saturday, December 29, 2007

Thursday, December 27, 2007

done and done

i'm quite impressed with blogger's new template customizing options. i'm guessing they're not really very new anymore...i guess i've just been too busy producing life over the last year to take notice.

a few things about the remodel:
  • i realize it makes it seem like you're getting glimpses of a baby named grace. it is her middle name, but this is not an "all about baby" blog. as you'll kindly recall, the blog and its title were here long before she was.
  • i also realize that i've use the same basic template as our dear rebeccamarie. i also recall that one time when i was accused of idolizing her and trying to become her, which resulted in my shutting the blog down for a period of time. so, if "anonymous" is still lurking around, i have this to say: yes, i do adore her. and yes, i made a conscious decision to use this blog template, but that was because a black background best complimented the baby picture i wanted to use, and this was the only template with a black background. also, i'm embarrassed to admit i still remember that stupid anonymous comment and that it still whispers in my head when i blog. booo! i should've recovered from that by now.
  • i finally figured out (i feel so stupid to have taken this long) how to resize a picture right in the post, instead of trying to resize the original in photobucket until it's the right size. sure would've been great if i'da known that a long time ago!
  • i'm actually pleased with the blog at the moment. not that i even post much, although i feel like i'd like to get back to it, if only for my own enjoyment. i know the picture of kaia is kinda distorted, but i just love that picture, and was trying to make it a good size to be a header. i mean, it took me this long to figure out how to size post expect me to make phenomenal headers anytime before 2010??
  • the thing at the very bottom of the blog is quite nice. it's be quite nicer if my husband actually ever looked at my blog even once to see it there. oh well. maybe one of you will casually mention how romantic and sweet i am to him sometime?

i guess that's about it. i've got some other updates, but this is already a long/boringish post, so i'll hold off for a bit.

oh, one last thing...i finally got hooked up with feedblitz (thanks rlew!) and am thrilled to be reading all of your blogs (all of the "you" that i know about anyhow) again regularly...only thing is it takes loads of extra steps (as far as i can tell) to comment, so that's my new year's resolution. to take some time to comment and let you know i'm reading and i care. awwww! look at me being sweet and thoughtful again!

cheers! and a pic for good measure (and practice in easy sizing!)


Tuesday, December 25, 2007

please pardon the dust

i'm working on making some changes to the blog, but it's happening bit by bit. so please be understanding of broken picture tags, missing links and such...i thought i knew what i was doing...well i was wrong. happens you know?

also, merry christmas. mine has been dreadful, but that's of no importance at this point...may your days be merry and bright! here's a little christmas family photo to tide you over for awhile. thanks for stopping by!


Sunday, November 25, 2007

nickels and dimes

forgive me ahead of time for breaking social etiquette. i know it's not polite to talk about money. the thing is, i tend to live a fairly transparent life, and when stuff is going on, i'm not one to hide it. plus i just kinda need to get some stuff out of my feelings and into words.

i'll start by saying i'm super proud of myself. we got back from our thanksgiving trip to spokane today, and i've accomplished so much in the last 12 hours. i'm tempted to include the actual list because it just seems like it's been so long since i really felt like i ACCOMPLISHED something at home, but i'll spare you. the thing i'm most proud of is that i have decorated our home for christmas. it's not much...i'd never be featured in martha stewart magazine, and no one is going to come into my home and proclaim "oh my! it's just stunning! how DID you do it?!?" but it's cozy and it didn't cost a penny, which is the important part. i just tried to get as creative as i could with stuff we had from last christmas. and i really think i did alright. you're cordially invited to come visit and see for yourself. i'd be happy to make hot cocoa for you.

a year ago, just before we found out we were knocked up, i was thinking about how THIS christmas ("next" christmas at that point") would be the one where i'd really be intentional about decorating IMPRESSIVELY. i figured we'd be at a place financially where i could get some nicer things (as it is most of our "decorations" are from the dollar store) and really feel like a grown up for the holidays.

reality is that God's perfect gift is also the most expensive thing i've ever experienced next to college...and considering my scholarships and the fact that the NICU bills KEEP coming in, college may look cheap by the time this is all over. we thought we had done a great job of saving while we were pregnant, we thought we'd be more than set. but we are wiped out and there is no end in sight. and of course i wouldn't change it for a world of beautiful christmas garb and doodads. my little lady has brought us more joy and love-depth than i could have dreamed, and i certainly wouldn't put any price on that.

it's just a really difficult adjustment for me. i grew up with a LOT of disfunction, but we always had more than enough STUFF and money. in fact, money was the currency of apologies..."sorry i yelled at you...let's go to the mall and get some nice things" "sorry i hit you, here's a hundred bucks." "oh, you had a rough day at school? let's stop by macy's on the way home." all of this basically trained me that when things are tough or don't feel so good, you can buy your way out of it. and really? it works a lot of the time. i didn't have a close family, but i always had the things i wanted, which basically tried to fill the "love" void. the other thing about that experience was that i have never been the one with less money than other people. i've never been RICH mind you, but i've always been able to bless my friends and the occasional stranger with money or lunch or a full gas tank or whatever they needed but couldn't get. and i've loved doing that.

have you read "the five love languages?" my secondary love language is giving trying to accept that this christmas there will be no gifts for my husband much less my incredibly deserving friends is a very harsh reality. hanging out with the girls at the mall and seeing them be able to buy gorgeous shoes and holiday attire and having to tell myself that i can't justify a cup of coffee right now is more humbling than i was ready for. it's my little girl's first christmas, and i know she won't remember or ever ask or care one bit...but i feel like i'm failing her because i can't get her a christmas dress or stuff a stocking or get her "baby's first christmas" things. it is such a different holiday season than i was anticipating.

but, at the end of the day, at the end of THIS day, my precious baby is sleeping in my lap, my "sexiest man alive" look-alike husband is giggling at an episode of the simpsons, and my house has glowing twinkle lights reflecting in silver ornaments above felt stockings on the fireplace...and when i focus on those things my heart feels full and tinglywarm, and that's all anyone wants this time of year in the first place.

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Sunday, October 14, 2007


some things are getting easier, and i'm glad for that, i really am. but i didn't get ANY sleep last night (i used to say that when i got less than 4 hours, now it literally means NO sleep. strange) and my loony grandmother has been in town a few days being ANTIhelpful, and so i'm feeling stressed and when i get stressed i get overly analytical.

the point? is it normal or acceptable to be terrified of my little girl growing up? i mean, i LOVE kids, particularly between the ages of 2 and 10, so you'd think i'd be really excited to get there with my own. you'd think i'd be in a bit of a rush to get to the phase where there's more sleeping and less psychosis. except that i'm completely dreading the inevitable growing up of my baby. i love cuddling her tiny body. i love watching her mouth keep suckling when the soothie falls out. i love planting kisses all over her face and watching her squirm and wriggle. i love that she's still wearing newborn sized clothes even though she's a whole pound over the stated size limit. i love the (few and far between) moments when we're sleeping so peacefully together.

and honestly, i love the way people look at ME because of her. they treat me more tenderly and with a different respect because of my tiny wonder. so, despite the exhaustion, i kinda want to stay here awhile. i'm starting to understand how women get addicted to babies. i'm almost starting to understand why they voluntarily go through pregnancy and childbirth just to have the tiny baby phase. almost.

i want to be present and grateful in each moment, each season. and i'm grateful for this season, but it's twinged with fear, which is no way to live. is this completely irrational? maybe it's that the older she gets, the closer we come to the days where she can choose to love and need me or not. the days where she can slam doors and shout "i hate you!" or tell her friends, "i hope i'm nothing like her when i get older." because right now, i get to meet her most basic needs, and she looks at me like i'm beautiful. i just don't want her finding out otherwise.

anyway, enough blogtherapy for today. here is my favorite picture to date:

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Thursday, October 04, 2007

this is hard

seems obvious, right? it's just that there's no way i could've been prepared for all this mom stuff, even though i've got some great friends who tried to help prepare me.

sleep deprivation SOUNDS very different than it feels in real life. in real life it sucks so much more than i could've anticipated. and my body seems to be taking FOREVER to heal. i'm all achy and slow going like a grandma. not my grandma mind you, that lady gives the energizer bunny a run for his/her/its money. but someone's grandma who is, well, achy and slow going.

and new things are happening all the time to make things more difficult, such as mastitis, 105 degree fever for TWO DAYS (i kid you not) and my darling little lady seems to be totally confused between day and night. have i mentioned that this is hard?!

it feels even harder-er when it occurs to me that it's barely been 3 weeks, and that these things aren't likely to resolve anytime soon. she's not going to be sleeping through the night for quite some time, she's going to need to nurse a lot for who knows how long...this is my new life. which can be a tough pill to swallow. especially when i see, bless his heart, how the mister's life hasn't had to change to the degree that mine has. he can be away from the house for hours at a time...he still gets to go out to lunch instead of eating leftovers. and speaking of eating...why didn't anyone tell me it would take me four hours to eat one burrito?! i keep hearing how i'm supposed to be eating all the time and so hungry because i'm breastfeeding, but i'm lucky to get one full meal in everyday.

this is hard.

and i'm tired and i think i'm spending too much time at home because i'm afraid to leave, and what would i do anyway? i wish i had family nearby to help out. that part sucks.

having now complained, let me make it clear that i adore this little lady, and wouldn't trade her in for a year of sleeping in...just in case you were getting concerned. i think it's just particularly difficult because i really prefer to have my life predictable, controlled and planned out. none of which is the case presently. it's really wearing on me that i don't have things organized and under control...a pile of laundry here, dirty dishes there, and i couldn't even tell you the last time i put on make up. i'm sure this is all "normal" but what you may not get is that I HATE NORMAL. i'm giving myself another week, and then i'm kicking my own tush into gear. i can't let my perfectionistic/overachieving self drown for too long in these dirty diapers and seemingly constant nursing sessions.

enough of that. here are some pictures.

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Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
which makes me realize i've not taken pictures at all in about 10 that'll be the project tomorrow. now go, and sleep intercessorily for me!

Sunday, September 23, 2007

i couldn't resist

how long do i get to brag and gush about this girl before people get annoyed? i just want to make sure to not drive people too far away! all those cliche things i've always heard are just so true, which drives me nuts considering how much i hate cliches.

also, i just wanted to thank all of you for your prayers and words of encouragement and congratulations. you've all blessed ben and i so much these last 10 days, and it's been incredibly humbling and faith growing for us. (and lori, thank you for the voicemail, it was such a blessing for me, and i'm going to call you back just as soon as a)i remember while it's not too late to call and b)kaia is asleep. i'm so looking forward to catching up with you!)

so, to be honest, the main point of this post was to show you this:

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i can hardly handle how much i love her.

Monday, September 17, 2007

worth the wait

she's here.

and to be honest, i earned every last beautiful centimeter of her! it was 18 hours of hard, med free labor. which was the goal (well, the med free part). but after about 12 hours, i started to lose it. like psychologically lose it. i added myself to the list of women who say they're going to have a natural child birth, and then beg for an epidural. i was ashamed, but more desperate than i could ever explain.

so the anesthesiologist came in to give me the drugs. but remember that part about 18 hours of med free labor? that's because, even after SEVEN attempts, he could not get the epidural in. he eventually said he could not safely continue to try, and i heard him whisper to the nurse "this has never happened in my entire career!" i'm definately paying for those attempts now, let me tell you!

Kaia Grace was born at 3:50 pm on Friday. and, please forgive me for being blunt, but i've got as many stitches as a girl can have. nothing came easily for us.

the first 20 hours were as blissful as they could be given my physical condition. kaia is so sweet and delicate and peaceful.

saturday afternoon, less than 24 hours after she was born, things started going wrong. kaia turned purple and was put on oxygen. as they started doing tests to find out why she wasn't getting enough oxygen, they found a slew of other things going on: jaundice, possible heart size issues, rapid/shallow breathing and pneumonia. in the blink of an eye kaia was taken by ambulance to the NICU of another hospital, and i was left to figure out what on earth was going on.

the last few days have been horrendous. i can't and won't begin to explain what's gone on, but this darling girl has not had a very kind welcome into the world. it is the most helpless i have ever felt.

i was released from the hospital yesterday afternoon, and went immediately to my little girl. the doctors were saying all kinds of things, none of which sounded terribly optimistic. yesterday was, quite possibly, the worst day of my life (and after the labor, i thought that record would be impossible to beat!)

but, praise God, today was an entirely different story. when we came to the hospital today, she was totally off the oxygen, the jaundice light treatments. another xray this morning showed completely clear lungs and a perfect heart. and our little girl gets to come home tomorrow night once she's completed one more round of "just to be safe" antibiotics.

today was euphoria. we sat and held her (such a gift after not getting to hardly touch her for 2 days of her 3 days here!) and stared at her and i was baby drunk. i cannot express the humility and gratitude i feel for God's grace on our little girl, and for all the people who have sacrificed for us these last days. my faith has been tripled by seeing God's goodness in our friends and family who have prayed and prayed and prayed and offered us endless comfort and time. we are so very blessed.

so here it is. this is the picture of perfection, if you ask me. and although i am still in pretty awful physical condition, my heart is boiling with joy, and i don't hardly care about this pain. how could i? just look at her!

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Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Thursday, September 13, 2007

we now interrupt your regularly scheduled "still pregnant" blog to bring you a surprisingly SPORTY post....

Sam Bowie pt 2?!?!

DEVASTATED is a pretty accurate word. whilst choking down some castor oil to try and induce labor, this "breaking news" screamed at me from the big screen:

"This just in; Greg Oden will not play the '07-'08 season for the Portland Trailblazers due to cartilage damage discovered in his right knee during exploratory surgery this morning. Recovery is expected to take 8-12 months"

um...what?! what is going on here?

let's get a few things straight. i am NOT a blazer fan. not at all. i'm a laker lover through and through. HOWEVER. i LOVE basketball, and i live in portland, so i like going to games. which have mostly sucked as of late. oden was my hope for some better action. oden was my hope to convince the mister to fork out cash for a few more games this season. oden was the hope of the future.

i've been annoyed from a distance how this kinda happened when the galaxy bought beckham and then all of a sudden he was injured and not playing, or playing and not being worth the price. i've imagined how much the city/state/team management must be sick over all of it. but i didn't care enough to really care.

this is closer to home. thankfully we haven't bought season tickets, or tickets to the first home game. can you EVEN imagine what real blazer fans are thinking/feeling right now?!?! yikes. this is a major blow to the city.

why is this feeling like sam bowie all over again? you remember the story: 1984 draft, Portland had the 2nd pick. the options? Sam Buoy, and a shooting guard from North Carolina by the name of Michael Jordan. and who did Portland pick? Sam freaking Bowie. MJ goes on to lead the Bulls to 6 championships and earns 5MVPs. Sam injurs himself again and again, averaging a little over 10 points per game, and is traded 4 excrutiating seasons later to the Nets where he magically has the 4 best seasons of his career. boo and boo some more.

this is where i'm glad to be a friend of God...he's got a history of some miraculous healings and such. i'm going to go ahead mention these things to Him and see what happens.

get better soon Oden....portland needs you. desperately.

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Friday, September 07, 2007

the waiting game

....still no baby, which is totally fine. i'm mostly feeling quite well. the thing that makes it hard is how 35 people have decided to call me EVERYDAY just to say "are you STILL pregnant?!?!" having to tell each one of them, "yes, and i really do promise to let you know as soon as that changes! you really don't have to call to ask everyday."

i'm trying to be polite, i really am. i know their intentions are good. but it's not easy to feel patient and comfortable when i'm being reminded every 30 minutes that i've not had a baby yet.

it's not very helpful that this is the ONLY reason people seem to call anymore. this is literally how most of the conversations go:

me: hello?
them: hi. are you STILL pregnant?!?!
me: yes. i really do promise to call or text you when that changes.
them: okay. that's all i wanted to know. bye!
me: bye. (to self: grrrrrrr)

for some, i've actually stopped answering the phone altogether. for others, i've taken to sending a pre-emptive daily text message. is this rude?

i'm grateful to have friends who care about how i'm doing, and who are excited to meet my little girl. but i wouldn't mind some of them wanting to ALSO talk about other things. and i don't like how everyone assumes i'm miserable at this point. sure, i'm more uncomfortable than if i weren't pregnant, but i'm still really quite active considering i'm 41 weeks pregnant (as you'll remember from the accusatory "why are you never home??" comments i've received) and sleeping well (praise God!) and i'm fine with the baby being where she is until it's time for her to move out of my womb.

for those of you who may be curious, my dr has given me until next friday (Sept 14th) to go into labor on my own before they induce. i'd really like to avoid induction, but i'll be at 42 weeks on the 17th, and my doctor is going out of town after the i was willing to compromise by a few days. i wouldn't mind some prayerful intervention about my labor and delivery, if you would be so kind.

meanwhile, here's something entertaining, since this particular post is mostly a venting extention of the last...

Monday, September 03, 2007

the strangest day

well, my "estimated due date" has come and gone, and my precious little baby has stayed put safely inside my apparently posh womb. i know that most first timers go past their due dates, i know that my mom had me two weeks after her due date. even still, it was the STRANGEST thing to live today like it was any other very pregnant but uneventful day.

this day, september 3rd, has been the object of my obsession for the last 9 months. i sincerely had convinced myself i'd have the baby early, or exactly on time. i hadn't necessarily considered being OVERdue. it was so surreal to say "today" when people asked me when i was due whilst attempting to walk myself into labor at IKEA this afternoon. i think it will be even more odd to say "yesterday" or "last week" when they ask from now on.

there's nothing an overdue pregnant chick loves hearing quite as much as "you look like you're about to POP right open! you're huge!" aaahhh...just makes you feel like the miracle vessel that you are, all dainty and lovely and such.

and also? please stop saying things like "what are you doing out and about? why aren't you at home? aren't you miserable? shouldn't you be laying down?" because, although i don't feel UNpregnant, i do feel mostly good and don't see any reason to be shut in my house and laying around. i'm taking advantage of what you all keep reminding me will apparently no longer be part of my life...just doing whatever i feel like doing, whenever i feel like doing it, with nothing holding me back. so there.

and i'm sorry that when you/your mother/your sister/your daughter/your cousin's neighbor's aunt was pregnant, going out was just not an option due to all the swelling/back pain/dizziness/inability to walk/general misery, and that you're jealous i'm still wearing my wedding ring and cute wedgy shoes. i'm just not convinced that pregnancy (or motherhood for that matter) requires the loss of style, spunk, organization, punctuality or ability to say no to plaid scrunchies.

one last thing (since this post has clearly taken on an entirely different tone than i originally intended), and please, hear me out on this one: you gave birth your way, and that's great. as long as you're happy with the experience and everything worked out fine, i feel NO NEED to tell you that your birth experience should've been any different. i've decided what's right for me based on what i value and what i've researched. and i know it sounds crazy to most people that i will not be having an epidural, or any other medical intervention (unless there's some emergency medical reason). i know that you wouldn't dream of that, and that you LOVED your anesthesiologist. BUT PLEASE stop telling me "you'll change your mind. you'll see."

because the thing is, i'm strong and educated and stubborn, and just because i've not yet given birth and felt contractions, doesn't mean i'm not capable of making decisions and sticking with them. it's not okay with me that so many of you (and, my blog reading friends, i'm sure you've realized by now that "you" is not YOU as much as it is "you, the general population of places i go") feel that it's appropriate to tell me what to do with my body, my baby and my birth experience. and i wish i had the guts to say that to you in person without the temptation of using words my fetus should not hear.

whew! i didn't realize that was all pent up. it seems that the pregnancy hormones are still in full force! let's end the post with something light and uplifting:

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Tuesday, August 28, 2007

my dream nursery

here it is folks! it's been months in the making, and turned out better than i even imagined! just wanted to share it with you.

it's even greater in person...just another reason for you to come visit me and the baby (whenever she chooses to make her entrance!)

so, the ALMOST before pictures (i completely forgot to take pics before we started...technically, the room started out VERY red...this was just after painting the base color, and the first few hours of the detailed painting...)

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Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
and after....
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the pictures turned out much better at night, but during the day it's so beautiful with the curtains pulled, looking like three windows out to the castle courtyard
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this part took SO long
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the changing table/dresser is hiding in the closet...the room is just too small for very much furniture
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the only thing left to be done is to decide where i want the letters and tiaras to go...ideas?
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hooray! now our little princess will have a place to dream and imagine and play dress up! i'm basically jealous! it really makes the rest of our house look SO lame and boring! i just love sitting in this room and listening to the lullaby playlist i've put on my ipod (did you see the pink ipod speakers i got for the nursery?! so cute!)

i told the mister that if they were wrong and this baby comes out a BOY, well he's just going to have to be a prince or a knight in shinning armour or something, cause i'm NOT giving up this room!!!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

cause just being this pregnant wasn't tough enough...

is there such a thing as bad luck? horrible karma? call it what you will, i seem to have it!

yesterday, i went to meet the mister for lunch near his new (and GORGEOUS) downtown office. he works right next to my all time favorite place in portland, so i just love going to meet him during the day when i can.
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after a lovely lunch and walk/waddle around the city blocks, i started heading back towards home to meet a friend for coffee.

it was rainy and gloomy. i'm not making that part up. so it's raining, there's some huge accident on another freeway which is now shut down, so at 1:30pm there's horrible traffic. but i feel fine about it because i'm listening to the adam carolla show on my iPod (sidenote: adam carolla is a freaking genius. i can't get enough).

so, i'm in the left lane. it's stop and go traffic. adam's talking about how stupid it is to have stickers on fruit. then, JUST like those "life comes at you fast" commercials that i HATE, someone slams into me from behind. here are important facts to keep in mind at this point:

1. i've been in loads of car accidents, but NEVER when i was driving. this is new and terrifying to me
2. anyone remember how i'm 38 weeks pregnant?
3.the freeway is PACKED
4. it's raining like crazy
5. remember that part about me being 38 weeks pregnant?!?!?!?!

i had to tell myself several times that what was happening was real, that i had to make decisions. i couldn't find the emergency lights. i couldn't remember how to put the car in park. i was just in shock i guess, which only lasted for about 30 seconds. thankfully i work in constant crisis and stress, and was able to pull it together ENOUGH. since the freeway was packed, we just scooted a little to the left. but then i was trapped in my car, because the door couldn't open wide enough for my belly to get out. so i literally have to lift my stomache and maneuver it around the door. it takes me forever to find my phone to call the mister and ask him what to do. i'm crying like....well like i've just been in a car wreck. the guy was very kind, thankfully, although he wasn't nearly horrified enough that he had slammed his car into a HUGE pregnant chick.

let's skip the boring details about how all i could think was that i needed to call my doctor to find out it my baby was okay, so i didn't make a point of getting all the right info from this guy. (side note 2: for awhile it looked like he had given me bogus info, which made things even worse. but that all seems to have worked out now, so i can let go of the "why on earth didn't I....?" guilt) after the info exchange, i get back into my car, and immediately call my OB who i had just seen a few hours before. she tells me to go immediately to the hospital. that's i drive myself there, shaking and crying and totally scared, thinking "i don't have my hospital bag...i don't have my birth plan. i'm not ready." meanwhile i'm also calling rebeccamarie to see if she can meet me at the hospital, which she did, and i can't thank her enough for that.

i get to the hospital and they immediately put me into a labor & delivery room, into the classic hospital gown and attached to fetal monitors and such. this was so scary, especially because i was still alone at this point, and there were so many nurses buzzing around and asking questions and taking my blood pressure, feeling my was too much. thankfully rebeccamarie showed up and had me laughing after not too long which made the time go by much more quickly and calmly.

anyway, they kept me for about 4 hours to make sure the baby was okay, then they let me go home with a comforting"this could still send you into labor tonight or tomorrow, you'll need to be on bedrest."

and that's just what i'm doing. and i don't mind so much, at least not today. i needed a rest, if we're being honest. and it doesn't break my heart to not go to work.

i'm super ache-y and sore today, and my brain feels fuzzy. but the baby is doing great which is the most important part, and i don't seem to be thrust into labor which is also nice (for the moment).

thanks to everyone who prayed for me and the fetus yesterday. i'm just so grateful to have such faithful and generous friends. and to prove it, here's a few fun pics:

the obligatory "picture of self in bathroom mirror"
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that's right. i'm due in 2 weeks and i'm still rocking heels. pay no attention to the leg stubble. i can slide my feet into shoes, but i can't reach my legs to shave.
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the winning date: a dinner cruise on the Portland Spirit
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the mister and i on the deck of the Spirit. we tried this shot twice, i looked horrible in the other one, so this is the one i'm posting, even though he looks a little ticked.
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Thursday, August 16, 2007

Your Help is Needed!

alright, the mister and i have decided (last minute) to have one "last" great date this weekend, knowing that a)this baby will probably show up early and b)we won't get a date for quite some time once she's here

here's the brain has completely stopped working! i can't come up with much more than the cliche dinner and a movie...but i feel like this date should be so much more than that, given what it represents!

so, let me see your creative brains at work! help me out! i'll owe you one!

in fact, if you come up with the winning idea, you'll get a picture of the new little bundle before anyone else (family excluded) and can option it out to celebrity gossip mags and websites and make MILLIONS. that should be sufficient incentive!
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Thursday, August 09, 2007

the most beautiful part of pregnancy

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"Guess how much I love you," he said.
"Oh, I don't think I could guess that," said Big Nutbrown Hare.
"This much," said Little Nutbrown Hare, stretching out his arms as wide as they could go.
Big Nutbrown Hare had even longer arms. "But I love YOU this much," he said.
Hmm, that is a lot, thought Little Nutbrown Hare.
"I love you as high as I can reach." said Little Nutbrown Hare.
"I love you as high as I can reach," said Big Nutbrown Hare.
That is quite high, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. I wish I had arms like that.
Then Little Nutbrown Hare had a good idea. He tumbled upside down and reached up the tree trunk with his feet.
"I love you all the way up to my toes!" he said.
"And I love you all the way up to your toes," said Big Nutbrown Hare, swinging him up over his head.
"I love you as high as I can HOP!" laughed Little Nutbrown Hare, bouncing up and down.
"But I love you as high as I can hop," smiled Big Nutbrown Hare - and he hopped so high that his ears touched the branches above.
That's good hopping, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. I wish I could hop like that.
"I love you all the way down the lane as far as the river," cried Little Nutbrown Hare.
"I love you across the river and over the hills," said Big Nutbrown Hare.
That's very far, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. He was almost too sleepy to think any more. Then he looked beyond the thorn bushes, out into the big dark night. Nothing could be further than the sky.
"I love you right up to the MOON," he said, and closed his eyes.
"Oh, that's far," said Big Nutbrown Hare. "That is very, very far."
Big Nutbrown Hare settled Little Nutbrown Hare into his bed of leaves. He leaned over and kissed him good night.
Then he lay down close by and whispered with a smile, "I love you right up to the moon - AND BACK."

Sunday, August 05, 2007

i'll admit it

i've started missing my blogmunity and all the interactions. so i'm posting a renewed commitment to get back to regularly reading all my friends' blogs, and regularly posting on mine. if there were a blog alter call (blalter call?) i'd come forward and cry a little. take it for what it's worth.

also, i'm stoked to announce that the mister and i recently celebrated our 3rd anniversary. i'm even stokeder to announce that, after three years, i'm seriously head over heels for this guy, and i've got a hunch he'd say the same thing (in his own, less dramatic kind of way). life is goooooood. nah. God is gooooooood. here's a few pics of us, just to prove that he exists (sometimes i think people assume i'm making him up.)

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Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

speaking of celebrations, we went to a wedding yesterday. it was GORGEOUS and wonderful, so please don't think that the following is directly related. during the wedding, one of my favorite friends (that's you rlew!) and i started sharing stories about the WORST music we've heard used at weddings. and i said to rebecca, "that would make a great blog! let's ask everyone to tell us the worst music they've heard at a wedding!"

so here i am, asking YOU, dear friend. what horrifying/cheesy/cliche music have you heard at a wedding? some of our favorites from our conversation yesterday:

Wind beneath my wings
you raise me up
anything by twila paris

ready? set? surprise us!

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

i'm completely useless

after months of ignoring my blog, i'm feeling compelled towards a gushing "dear diary" experience. i didn't know where else to turn.

the last 24 hours have convinced me that i am completely useless. seriously.

let's start with my trip to the grocery store where i hit an 80 year old nun with my cart. you read that right...i hit an old nun with my shopping cart. ran right into the poor dear. thankfully i burst into tears and she noticed my ever ballooning pregnant belly, and had mercy on me. when you hit a nun, is that instant damnation? who hits a nun?

then, i decided to brave the unknown...the crock pot. see, we just spent a few days with the mister's family in washington. you may or may not remember how they're basically perfect in every way, including being as humble as you can imagine. not to mention the added bonus that the sister in law is also pregnant, due 3 weeks after i am. and while i'm handling pregnancy well enough and don't yet look like a complete oily elephant, she is FLAWLESSLY pregnant...she is the pregnant women dream of, she is what men actually mean when they secretly want a wife to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. next to her i not only LOOK horrid, but i seem like a total mess. she's up at the crack of dawn baking and cleaning and planning meals for the whole family. she could not be more fabulous. which of course makes me feel like a sloppy disaster.

oh, here's the point of all of that. while we were visiting, she made "the easiest meal ever" that everyone went gaga over. it was a crockpot meal...which i keep hearing are a working woman's best friend...people have been trying to tell me since i got married that the crockpot would be my favorite thing. but i've never bothered trying it out. well, after such a delicious meal that she swore took "maybe 6 minutes" i figured it was time to give it a go.

i thought today would be a great day to try...a good holiday meal with no work involved or added oven heat...seems perfect. and i'm telling you, i followed the directions to a tee...and it's not like, oops, i forgot to plug it in or turn it on or something. i did everything exactly as indicated. i can honestly find no mistakes on my part.

8 hours later, all excited and having made a big huge deal of it to the mister, we sit down for a hearty meal to celebrate our freedom...and it's dreadful. i mean, really and horribly dreadful. how potatoes can be CRUNCHY after 8 hours in a crockpot is beyond me. if there was an award for worst 4th of july meal, i'd have it on my shelf as we speak.

again, i immediately burst into tears. apparently it's my new favorite thing. so much so that i now carry mini kleenex in my purse. at first i tried to convince myself it was just raging pregnancy hormones. but after awhile, you just can't keep turning to that excuse every time you smash into a lady of the cloth. i mean, clutzy is one thing...this is something else altogether.

my biggest fear? lots of moms keep telling me how "it just gets worse" after you have the baby. apparently, you can never be smart or organized or clean or a good cook. (unless you're rebeccamarie. somehow she beat the system)

it just feels like life itself is set against my success and hapiness these days. the cruel thing is that my DESIRE to cook has basically tripled. so maybe that's it? my cooking abilities were only sufficient for the amount of desire i previously had to actually that same amount of ability is forced to be spread out among three times as much desire?

aren't i supposed to be glowing and giddy and feeling miraculous by now?

Saturday, April 14, 2007

pregnancy is "sacred"

i think it's not any small coincidence that "sacred" and "scared" are basically the same word, like one little typo...

i'm 5 months pregnant now. it's so strange that it still feels really brand new...i'm not at all used to it yet. perhaps that's because it's NEVER the same. nothing has been predictable for me. here's what my week has been like:
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those are the only pics i could get that didn't include any amount of girlie get the idea. my entire chest/stomach have been covered in those electrode probe thingies...each connected to it's own colorful wire. i felt like science.

apparently, my heart is not doing such a great job of adjusting to creating life. my heart's been racing and skipping beats like mad...very alarming. so i was in and out of the hospital this week. once my heart finally calmed down, i got slammed with a ridiculous cold/flu/misery type thing. here's something you never thought you'd hear me say...i'm sick of cable television. i'm dying for some human contact. like, real reality...not just my beloved reality tv.

on the upside: we find out monday if the baby has a penis or a vagina. that's right. and i'm definately excited.

there's the update. seems like blogland has been quiet for awhile, and that's fine. if nothing else, i know my mom still reads my blog!

Monday, March 19, 2007

my new career aspirations

i'm pretty sure celebrity gossip blogging is about the single greatest gig ever. if i could choose a new job right now (and i think about this constantly) i think the celeblog is the way to go. i mean, i can be snarky and feisty and witty and use fun fonts and daily contests (anyone remember the hit "what's in the brown bag?!?!"). i can come up with new paris hilton jabs and jokes about tom and katie. i could TOTALLY rock it as a celeblogger (a term i'm pretty sure i made up all by myself. like blogmunity. other people claim that...but i'm sure it was me that typed it first.)

the thing is, i can't figure out how it works. how on earth did this guy get famous enough to be let in to EVERY celebrity party and award show? where does this fabulous site get all the dirt?

and more importantly, how are they making a living from it? where does the money come from?

i've been thinking about this a lot...and i've figured out how to get my foot in this very valuable door. here's my plan:

if everyone i know becomes super famous, and gives me the express rights to all their deep dark secrets. then i'll just post them on the internet for all to see. about two months after that, i'll start getting calls from the adam carolla radio show, good morning america and total request live. not too long after that i'll branch out and start my own interactive celebrity gossip magazine/blog/1-900 number. it shouldn't take too long before i get my own talk show, couture shoe line for target and people tattoo my face/name on their various parts when drunk.

as you can see, it's a failproof plan.

so, i've done my part. now you....go get famous.
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and until are some of my favorite celeblogs: (and don't say i didn't give you a heads up about grownup content/language)

have fun little bunnies.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

let the hormones rage on!

i saw this today and cried like someone broke my ipod.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

i am already a horrible mother

this according to my boss.

we were sitting in this ridiculous training today, filled with less than intelligent people and your run of the mill awful trainers.

after about two hours of this (and given my awful heartburn keeping me awake till the wee hours) i started to feel hostile. i mean, seriously, people were asking really STUPID questions. so i make a very sarcastic (and funny) comment to the lady sitting next to me about the row of women two tables up who seem to be stuck in 1983 with their winged mullets.

my boss (who, as you may already know, i LOATHE) leans over to me and says, "breanna, you're passing on hatred and judgementalism to your baby. you need to focus on love and acceptance of those who bother you."

to which i replied

"no. i'm passing on high standards. i'm making it clear that stupidity is not an option."

he laughed a little. but seriously?!?! this is actually bothering me. for several reasons really. because, is he right? i mean, am i doing damage to my unborn child by being intolerant of people being voluntary idiots?

and also? is it okay that he even said that? given the fact that we are, in NO WAY, friends or even friendly on most days.

then, later at lunch i was talking to the girls about american idol. and he says
"breanna, you went to college, right?"
"what was your major?"
"so, you've been exposed to politics and ethics and social matters and such?"
"so why is it that you're always talking about shallow, useless things like reality tv?"

well i gave him an answer. and i won't bore you with it. but please keep in mind that i've been doing this bastard's job for over a year now. and that he is the scum of the scum of the earth. i could go on and on. but i respect you, so i won't.

but can i strike back somehow?
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Thursday, February 22, 2007

My sincerest apologies....

i can admit when i've been wrong. and i'm not too proud to say i'm sorry. here's proof:

dear cable guy,
i'm sorry that when you came to my house on August 26th 2006 i didn't take you more seriously. i shouldn't have made fun of you to all my friends, especially on the internet for all to see. that was mean and uncalled for.

furthermore, i'm sorry i did not heed your warning. i could've used those 4 months so much better than i did. how i was i to know that on december 27, exactly 4 months after your fateful housecall, i would find myself knocked up just like you said? you called it, cable guy. you and the many spirits you brought with you.

so here's my public apology. i owe you one buddy. instead of listening to you, i listened to all the doctor's that have told me i'd never be "with child." oh, if i had known then what i know now. no wonder you saw me as a "big green grape," as it seems to be shaping up that way. you sure know your stuff.

this is an open invitation to return to my house, cable guy, any time you want-cable or not. if you've got any inklings or dead people telling you about lottery tickets i should buy, or the best way for me to break into the music scene, please stop by. i'll be there, just me and the baby.


Tuesday, February 20, 2007

it's the most wonderful time of the year

lookie lookie what i found at the store today!!!!!!!!

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life is gooooooooooood.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

a minor rant

this happened awhile ago, but i've been behind on my podcasts and just heard about it today (also, i don't watch the news. so what.)

but have you heard this story about the woman who died in sacremento from a water drinking contest on a morning radio show to win a nintendo Wii??

if you haven't heard the story, watch this first:

so, the story develops, ten employees of radio show are fired, lawsuits are looming. blame is placed left and right.

but, i'm sorry? at which point does SOMEONE acknowledge that this woman drank herself to death VOLUNTARILY. she chose to participate in the stupid contest, she even signed a waiver. and yes, sure, the radio show staff should've looked into the risks of excessive water consumption. of course. but more than that SHE should have looked into it herself. i am actually angry about this.

because three innocent children are left without a mother AND without the stupid video game system because, despite drinking herself to death, she quit before winning. i just cannot fathom why she wouldn't have looked into it. PLUS someone called into the radio show and DID warn them about water intoxication and the risks. and SHE KEPT DRINKING. she said she felt sick. AND SHE KEPT DRINKING. all for a video game.

of course i think this is tragic. but i just get so angry about people being stupid, and no one seems to question it. why would she not say to herself, "you know, it would be great to give this game system to my kids, but i've just heard that trying to win it could be fatal. so i'm going to choose to give them a lifetime with a mother instead." i just DON'T get it.

and i hate this trend where it's acceptable to blame everyone else for things people choose. lawsuits against mcdonalds for making people fat. why isn't mcdonalds suing fat people for giving their business a bad name? why is ALL the blame being placed on these radio show employees? why do so many people get away with being stupid?

Thursday, February 01, 2007

"i'm like, you know, you're biggest um, fan"

i have a pretty extensive history of saying stupid things to celebrities. which means i've met quite a few celebrities. and blown it mostly everytime.

let me qualify "celebrity." for the most part, it's "celebrity in the Christian music world," although not every time.

it actually surprises me (still) that i get so flustered and fumbly around famous people. i'm a fairly cool person (in the sense that i am way too proud to let someone know i think they're cool in any way...well, normal people) with a great vocabulary who functions really well under pressure. so why on earth did i say the following thing to Dr. Laura this very night at Walmart???

DrL: hi! nice to see you!
me: (giggle. blush.) hi
she begins signing the book i stood in line for an hour to have her sign.
me: thank you (giggle. blush)
rebeccamarie: tell her what you wanted to say
me: oh. um. well i'm my husbands...i'm his wife. and it's because of your first book. well, not your first book. i mean the book before this one. i mean, not the one just before this one, but the one that comes before this one in the series. i mean, we were married before i read it, so it's not like, um, i'm a wife because of the book...but i liked the book. (deep sigh...humiliation begins to set in)
DrL:okay. good. thanks.
me: okay. thanks, um. thank you.

this isn't the first time. when i met jars of clay i said:
JOC: hey! thanks for coming out
me: yeah, cause i really like what you guys do. i'm glad you didn't like go mainstream just cause you could get more money. i mean, i'm glad you're, you know.
JOC:well thanks. hey, i really like your nailpolish!
me: well i got it at target. i could get more.
JOC: (looks to the person next to me, waiting for me to leave)

and when i met carmen:
C: hey little lady! (i was like 6)
me: i like the one where you box. because i like boxing. because my grandpa and i watch boxing. but i don't really like the song.
C: well i'm glad you like part of it

and when i saw will smith at magic mountain
me: hey will! do the line about the sugar! MORE SUGAR!
will: (from pretty far away) that wasn't my line!

it goes on and on. i'm not kidding. trust me that the words are may even more horrible by my bright red face and fidgeting and stuttering. it reminds me of that time i was on the news and made a total fool of far reaching could this be?!?! maybe i'll call dr. laura tomorrow and ask her for some help

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Friday, January 26, 2007


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i morphed into an m&m!
you can too!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

snow days

we're having snow days in portland! and i'm loving it. not just because i have sufficient excuse to not go to work, but i think the snow is just gorgeous. growing up in SoCal didn't exactly provide white christmases, so this is very surreal for me.

for those of you not in portland, the video below is a little taste of what's been going on. and, don't think i'm mean or anything, but the cars sliding is kinda pretty, like if you watch it without the sound and play a lovely classical song in the's nearly choreographed. this video is all the rage on the local news stations.

added bonus? the video was taken by this guy i went to college with...we were really good friends there for awhile, then he kinda disappeared. so it's really nice to know he's doing well and still in the area. (anyone remember derek porter???)

Saturday, January 06, 2007

i can't stop

i grew up across the street from a Sonic Burger. I'd have to walk by it twice a day on my way to/from school. i've never cared too much for the food, but the drinks are UNBELIEVABLE. i miss them like crazy.

they've been playing Sonic Burger commercials in oregon for YEARS now. closest Sonic? IDAHO. it's misery. i don't remember how i found this, but i'm a little obsessed (you guys should know by now that i'm predisposed to obsession with random, seemingly boring things.) anyway- try it.