Thursday, October 04, 2007

this is hard

seems obvious, right? it's just that there's no way i could've been prepared for all this mom stuff, even though i've got some great friends who tried to help prepare me.

sleep deprivation SOUNDS very different than it feels in real life. in real life it sucks so much more than i could've anticipated. and my body seems to be taking FOREVER to heal. i'm all achy and slow going like a grandma. not my grandma mind you, that lady gives the energizer bunny a run for his/her/its money. but someone's grandma who is, well, achy and slow going.

and new things are happening all the time to make things more difficult, such as mastitis, 105 degree fever for TWO DAYS (i kid you not) and my darling little lady seems to be totally confused between day and night. have i mentioned that this is hard?!

it feels even harder-er when it occurs to me that it's barely been 3 weeks, and that these things aren't likely to resolve anytime soon. she's not going to be sleeping through the night for quite some time, she's going to need to nurse a lot for who knows how long...this is my new life. which can be a tough pill to swallow. especially when i see, bless his heart, how the mister's life hasn't had to change to the degree that mine has. he can be away from the house for hours at a time...he still gets to go out to lunch instead of eating leftovers. and speaking of eating...why didn't anyone tell me it would take me four hours to eat one burrito?! i keep hearing how i'm supposed to be eating all the time and so hungry because i'm breastfeeding, but i'm lucky to get one full meal in everyday.

this is hard.

and i'm tired and i think i'm spending too much time at home because i'm afraid to leave, and what would i do anyway? i wish i had family nearby to help out. that part sucks.

having now complained, let me make it clear that i adore this little lady, and wouldn't trade her in for a year of sleeping in...just in case you were getting concerned. i think it's just particularly difficult because i really prefer to have my life predictable, controlled and planned out. none of which is the case presently. it's really wearing on me that i don't have things organized and under control...a pile of laundry here, dirty dishes there, and i couldn't even tell you the last time i put on make up. i'm sure this is all "normal" but what you may not get is that I HATE NORMAL. i'm giving myself another week, and then i'm kicking my own tush into gear. i can't let my perfectionistic/overachieving self drown for too long in these dirty diapers and seemingly constant nursing sessions.

enough of that. here are some pictures.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
which makes me realize i've not taken pictures at all in about 10 that'll be the project tomorrow. now go, and sleep intercessorily for me!


rebecca marie said...

here's where if i hated you i'd say mean things like....

enjoy it! she'll only be this small for such a short time.


we all told you it would be hard.

but instead... because i LOVE you...

what a mean baby! why won't she sleep at night and let you eat burritos?

i'll be there soon to help. tomorrow if i can get away, otherwise monday morning.

i. love. you.

LoriLoo310 said...

I wish I were there to help! I know exactly what you're feeling. Looking back on those first few weeks is such a blur. Husbands can be supportive, but they don't really ever know what you go through and sacrifice for the sake of this tiny human who has flipped your world upside down, spit-up on it, and covered it with orange poo.

Call me if you need to vent, cry or hear another grown-up's voice. I will listen to you, cry with you, or talk of things other than baby-stuff if you need a break.

This parenting thing is all about survival ... do what you have to do. I love you, and I love her!

emilykaypeters said...

I know exactly what you're feeling. I had such a hard time leaving the house when Jez was first born... Just make sure you don't get mad at your husband. He probably tries all the time to help you out. If you ever want to have a "baby date" you can call me at any time and we can go out to coffee with our babies. Or even better yet, Ben and Ryan can watch the babies for an hour while we go get something. Call me at 503-867-6426 sometime and I would love to hang out.

Julie said...

I totally understand what you are going through. Things will get easier. I PROMISE. Once you get though those first few weeks-it gets better. She WILL start sleeping longer through the night. Try to get out-take a walk or go to Target(something to change things up a little) She is so beautiful though. I love the picture of her in her dress. We'll be praying for you. I'll try to call you this week. We're excited to see you guys soon!

tabitha jane said...

i was just thinking about our weddings today . . . it seems so surreal that you have a kid now!

if i were there, i would totally come over and do your dishes . . . maybe in december?

Jess said...

Being only a couple weeks ahead of you I can totally relate. I love my daughter SO much...and yet when she wont go to sleep until one in the morning and then continues to wake up constantly (and in the back of my mind I know I have to get up at 6:45 with my toddler)...I kind of want to just put her in the swing and lock her in the bathroom.

The thing is, I have done this before. I should have remembered this. But somehow I forgot just how intense it really is. I don;t know if that makes me a bad mother for apparently forgetting the first few months of my sons life, or if it speaks to how this is only a season and somehow we might make it through...Let's hope it's the later.

Anyway, I was already coming to your blog to mention that we should get our girls together (since they were almost twins and so must be friends), maybe we should do it sometime soon and then we can sit and be tired together?? What do you think?

Breanna said...

jess, i love the idea. send me a quick email at and we can swap digits and make a date!

tabitha, you're very sweet, and i'm really looking forward to seeing you in december, with or without dish duty!

julie, i just CAN'T imagine how you're doing this with two kids under 2?!?!? you must be wonderwoman!

lori- how late is too late to call? i mean, if it's 9pm here, is it okay for me to give you a buzz? cause that's usually about the time that there's enough peace in my house to talk to grown ups. you're like an hour ahead, right? my brain doesn't work anymore.

rebeccamarie. i know. and thanks for the help monday. i just COULDN'T do this without you.

Rebecca said...

I've only heard what it's like. Obviously I have no idea. It's hard being caught up in my own life that friends with babies need help! I would love to come sit with you or wash your dishes some evening, let you take a nap, whatever you need. Let me know when I can help! Really! I would love to help you in any way that I can.