Sunday, October 14, 2007

schizophrenia

some things are getting easier, and i'm glad for that, i really am. but i didn't get ANY sleep last night (i used to say that when i got less than 4 hours, now it literally means NO sleep. strange) and my loony grandmother has been in town a few days being ANTIhelpful, and so i'm feeling stressed and when i get stressed i get overly analytical.

the point? is it normal or acceptable to be terrified of my little girl growing up? i mean, i LOVE kids, particularly between the ages of 2 and 10, so you'd think i'd be really excited to get there with my own. you'd think i'd be in a bit of a rush to get to the phase where there's more sleeping and less psychosis. except that i'm completely dreading the inevitable growing up of my baby. i love cuddling her tiny body. i love watching her mouth keep suckling when the soothie falls out. i love planting kisses all over her face and watching her squirm and wriggle. i love that she's still wearing newborn sized clothes even though she's a whole pound over the stated size limit. i love the (few and far between) moments when we're sleeping so peacefully together.

and honestly, i love the way people look at ME because of her. they treat me more tenderly and with a different respect because of my tiny wonder. so, despite the exhaustion, i kinda want to stay here awhile. i'm starting to understand how women get addicted to babies. i'm almost starting to understand why they voluntarily go through pregnancy and childbirth just to have the tiny baby phase. almost.

i want to be present and grateful in each moment, each season. and i'm grateful for this season, but it's twinged with fear, which is no way to live. is this completely irrational? maybe it's that the older she gets, the closer we come to the days where she can choose to love and need me or not. the days where she can slam doors and shout "i hate you!" or tell her friends, "i hope i'm nothing like her when i get older." because right now, i get to meet her most basic needs, and she looks at me like i'm beautiful. i just don't want her finding out otherwise.

anyway, enough blogtherapy for today. here is my favorite picture to date:

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4 comments:

LoriLoo310 said...

I was also sad to see my little boy getting bigger and growing up. But you'll find out that with each new stage there will be things you just love, and also things you could live without. This parenting thing, it's kinda weird and wonderful isn't it?

Oh, and you can call me anytime. Don't be offended if I don't answer my phone. Sometimes I don't hear it when I'm at home, but I will call you back!

Rebecca said...

You certainly don't look like you're not getting any sleep. You look great. You and Ben both look so happy and filled with joy. I love it!

Ashlie said...

Aww! That is such a great picture- you are glowing!

tabitha jane said...

look at your happy little family!

i think your fears sound totally rational. it's crazy to be experiencing something and to KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that it is totally unique and that when tomorrow this moment will be gone forever. it sounds like you are doing a good job experiencing and memorizing your baby's life as it happens.

living intentionally. good job you.