Saturday, August 26, 2006

congratulations breanna!

turns out today was a great day for me.

not only did cable television find it's way back into my house, but i'm going to have a baby.

not that i'm pregnant. oh no. but lucky me got the one cable guy who's also a psychic, a medium, an aura reader, a tarrot card reader and a reiki master.

seriously. so as he's installing my cable...he also gave me a "reading"

the following are direct exerpts from my hour with the cable/psychic/meduim/you get the idea:

him: do you have any kids?
me: no
him: well you will. soon
me: really?
him: yes, it's a girl. she's waiting for you
me: interesting. that will come as a surprise to all of us
him: within four months you'll be pregnant. so start getting ready
me to myself: better double check that my birth control pills are in adequate supply

him: i just have one thing to say, you'll know exactly what it means
me: okay.
him: your aunt is always with you. she wants you to know that.
me: she does? wierd.
him: she's here, with us now.
me: that's creepy, cause the only aunt i have is married to my uncle and living in northern california. i mean, i guess i could have another aunt i'm not aware of, since i don't know my dad at all.
him: yes. that's it. it's on your dad's side of the family.
me: how would she know she was my aunt if i don't even know who my dad is?
him: look, i'm working my "other job" right now, so i can't give you all the information. but i'll leave my number with you and we can do a full reading. i'll let your aunt come through and she'll explain everything. i charge forty dollars per half hour.
me: oh, okay.
him: you wouldn't believe how many people are here in the room with us. i'm, like, trying to work here, and they just keep talking to me, telling me things to tell you and i'm like, hey! shut up for awhile!
me: that must be very frustrating.
him: yeah. i'm used to it though. there's eight of them who go around with me everywhere.

him: i read auras too you know
me: oh yeah?
him: you're all green.
me: i am? good green or like, stomache acid green?
him: good green. it means you're all heart.
me: oh good. that's the better option.
him: yeah. when i look at you, all i see is a big green grape.
me to myself: could you just please leave now? i don't feel comfortable anymore.

he then told me about all his ex-girlfriends and wife. all of them virgos. he said he falls for virgos all the time, but always crashes hard.

he also told me that he breezed through the requirements to be a reiki master. he heals people's bruises, and injuries from past lives. he said he hopes to come back next time as an eagle. or a flamingo.

these kinds of things went on for about an hour.

before he left, cable properly installed, he made sure to turn my television to the sci-fi channel. big effing surprise.

so, you can all get started on baby gifts. if i get pregnant in four months that makes it December, i'll find out around February and and be due sometime around next September. someone needs to start planning a HUGE party...and remember, it can be all pink, cause it's a girl.

(someone else needs to remind me to refill the BC prescription. pretty please)

now...onto the cable. anyone up for a little "baby story" on TLC?

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Josh said...


Amanda said...

i think that your "unknown aunt" on your father's side must have been a psychic while she was alive and that's what gave her the knowledge of your existence and so when she met her untimely end, due to a freak electric crystal ball shock mishap, she had the foresight to throw her spirit towards your aura in order to find you.

i would turn off all the lights... electricity scares her now.

LoriLoo310 said...

You had me all excited that you were pregnant ... I guess I can be excited in four months.

What a weird cable guy. You're very patient to let him talk to you about all that stuff for so long.

Bill said...


Just wow.

tabitha jane said...

well, you know what this means. when she is born, you have to name her after the aunt you don't know.


rebecca marie said...

i need to know what color the nursery will be so that i can start your blanket...

James Wood said...

I love "I'm at my other job now, so I can't give you all the details." That's probably the best psychic cop-out ever. "Yeah, I'm a little pressed for time, so I don't know all of your future, just enough to get you to drop $40."

Wasn't there a movie about 8 ghosts who follow a kid around?

Ghost Dog said...

I don't know how kindly I would take to being called a big green grape. Even if that's good it doesn't sound flattering.

But you don't want to piss off the cable guy. Look what happened to Matthew Broderick...oh wait, that ended well for him, didn't it?

Breanna said...

you guys are funny. i like you.

Jess said...

I think I would pay extra for a cable guy like that. Instant entertainment for over an hour.