nickels and dimes

forgive me ahead of time for breaking social etiquette. i know it's not polite to talk about money. the thing is, i tend to live a fairly transparent life, and when stuff is going on, i'm not one to hide it. plus i just kinda need to get some stuff out of my feelings and into words.

i'll start by saying i'm super proud of myself. we got back from our thanksgiving trip to spokane today, and i've accomplished so much in the last 12 hours. i'm tempted to include the actual list because it just seems like it's been so long since i really felt like i ACCOMPLISHED something at home, but i'll spare you. the thing i'm most proud of is that i have decorated our home for christmas. it's not much...i'd never be featured in martha stewart magazine, and no one is going to come into my home and proclaim "oh my! it's just stunning! how DID you do it?!?" but it's cozy and it didn't cost a penny, which is the important part. i just tried to get as creative as i could with stuff we had from last christmas. and i really think i did alright. you're cordially invited to come visit and see for yourself. i'd be happy to make hot cocoa for you.

a year ago, just before we found out we were knocked up, i was thinking about how THIS christmas ("next" christmas at that point") would be the one where i'd really be intentional about decorating IMPRESSIVELY. i figured we'd be at a place financially where i could get some nicer things (as it is most of our "decorations" are from the dollar store) and really feel like a grown up for the holidays.

reality is that God's perfect gift is also the most expensive thing i've ever experienced next to college...and considering my scholarships and the fact that the NICU bills KEEP coming in, college may look cheap by the time this is all over. we thought we had done a great job of saving while we were pregnant, we thought we'd be more than set. but we are wiped out and there is no end in sight. and of course i wouldn't change it for a world of beautiful christmas garb and doodads. my little lady has brought us more joy and love-depth than i could have dreamed, and i certainly wouldn't put any price on that.

it's just a really difficult adjustment for me. i grew up with a LOT of disfunction, but we always had more than enough STUFF and money. in fact, money was the currency of apologies..."sorry i yelled at you...let's go to the mall and get some nice things" "sorry i hit you, here's a hundred bucks." "oh, you had a rough day at school? let's stop by macy's on the way home." all of this basically trained me that when things are tough or don't feel so good, you can buy your way out of it. and really? it works a lot of the time. i didn't have a close family, but i always had the things i wanted, which basically tried to fill the "love" void. the other thing about that experience was that i have never been the one with less money than other people. i've never been RICH mind you, but i've always been able to bless my friends and the occasional stranger with money or lunch or a full gas tank or whatever they needed but couldn't get. and i've loved doing that.

have you read "the five love languages?" my secondary love language is giving gifts...so trying to accept that this christmas there will be no gifts for my husband much less my incredibly deserving friends is a very harsh reality. hanging out with the girls at the mall and seeing them be able to buy gorgeous shoes and holiday attire and having to tell myself that i can't justify a cup of coffee right now is more humbling than i was ready for. it's my little girl's first christmas, and i know she won't remember or ever ask or care one bit...but i feel like i'm failing her because i can't get her a christmas dress or stuff a stocking or get her "baby's first christmas" things. it is such a different holiday season than i was anticipating.

but, at the end of the day, at the end of THIS day, my precious baby is sleeping in my lap, my "sexiest man alive" look-alike husband is giggling at an episode of the simpsons, and my house has glowing twinkle lights reflecting in silver ornaments above felt stockings on the fireplace...and when i focus on those things my heart feels full and tinglywarm, and that's all anyone wants this time of year in the first place.

schizophrenia

some things are getting easier, and i'm glad for that, i really am. but i didn't get ANY sleep last night (i used to say that when i got less than 4 hours, now it literally means NO sleep. strange) and my loony grandmother has been in town a few days being ANTIhelpful, and so i'm feeling stressed and when i get stressed i get overly analytical.

the point? is it normal or acceptable to be terrified of my little girl growing up? i mean, i LOVE kids, particularly between the ages of 2 and 10, so you'd think i'd be really excited to get there with my own. you'd think i'd be in a bit of a rush to get to the phase where there's more sleeping and less psychosis. except that i'm completely dreading the inevitable growing up of my baby. i love cuddling her tiny body. i love watching her mouth keep suckling when the soothie falls out. i love planting kisses all over her face and watching her squirm and wriggle. i love that she's still wearing newborn sized clothes even though she's a whole pound over the stated size limit. i love the (few and far between) moments when we're sleeping so peacefully together.

and honestly, i love the way people look at ME because of her. they treat me more tenderly and with a different respect because of my tiny wonder. so, despite the exhaustion, i kinda want to stay here awhile. i'm starting to understand how women get addicted to babies. i'm almost starting to understand why they voluntarily go through pregnancy and childbirth just to have the tiny baby phase. almost.

i want to be present and grateful in each moment, each season. and i'm grateful for this season, but it's twinged with fear, which is no way to live. is this completely irrational? maybe it's that the older she gets, the closer we come to the days where she can choose to love and need me or not. the days where she can slam doors and shout "i hate you!" or tell her friends, "i hope i'm nothing like her when i get older." because right now, i get to meet her most basic needs, and she looks at me like i'm beautiful. i just don't want her finding out otherwise.

anyway, enough blogtherapy for today. here is my favorite picture to date:

this is hard

seems obvious, right? it's just that there's no way i could've been prepared for all this mom stuff, even though i've got some great friends who tried to help prepare me.

sleep deprivation SOUNDS very different than it feels in real life. in real life it sucks so much more than i could've anticipated. and my body seems to be taking FOREVER to heal. i'm all achy and slow going like a grandma. not my grandma mind you, that lady gives the energizer bunny a run for his/her/its money. but someone's grandma who is, well, achy and slow going.

and new things are happening all the time to make things more difficult, such as mastitis, 105 degree fever for TWO DAYS (i kid you not) and my darling little lady seems to be totally confused between day and night. have i mentioned that this is hard?!

it feels even harder-er when it occurs to me that it's barely been 3 weeks, and that these things aren't likely to resolve anytime soon. she's not going to be sleeping through the night for quite some time, she's going to need to nurse a lot for who knows how long...this is my new life. which can be a tough pill to swallow. especially when i see, bless his heart, how the mister's life hasn't had to change to the degree that mine has. he can be away from the house for hours at a time...he still gets to go out to lunch instead of eating leftovers. and speaking of eating...why didn't anyone tell me it would take me four hours to eat one burrito?! i keep hearing how i'm supposed to be eating all the time and so hungry because i'm breastfeeding, but i'm lucky to get one full meal in everyday.

this is hard.

and i'm tired and i think i'm spending too much time at home because i'm afraid to leave, and what would i do anyway? i wish i had family nearby to help out. that part sucks.

having now complained, let me make it clear that i adore this little lady, and wouldn't trade her in for a year of sleeping in...just in case you were getting concerned. i think it's just particularly difficult because i really prefer to have my life predictable, controlled and planned out. none of which is the case presently. it's really wearing on me that i don't have things organized and under control...a pile of laundry here, dirty dishes there, and i couldn't even tell you the last time i put on make up. i'm sure this is all "normal" but what you may not get is that I HATE NORMAL. i'm giving myself another week, and then i'm kicking my own tush into gear. i can't let my perfectionistic/overachieving self drown for too long in these dirty diapers and seemingly constant nursing sessions.

enough of that. here are some pictures.




which makes me realize i've not taken pictures at all in about 10 days...so that'll be the project tomorrow. now go, and sleep intercessorily for me!

i couldn't resist

how long do i get to brag and gush about this girl before people get annoyed? i just want to make sure to not drive people too far away! all those cliche things i've always heard are just so true, which drives me nuts considering how much i hate cliches.

also, i just wanted to thank all of you for your prayers and words of encouragement and congratulations. you've all blessed ben and i so much these last 10 days, and it's been incredibly humbling and faith growing for us. (and lori, thank you for the voicemail, it was such a blessing for me, and i'm going to call you back just as soon as a)i remember while it's not too late to call and b)kaia is asleep. i'm so looking forward to catching up with you!)

so, to be honest, the main point of this post was to show you this:



i can hardly handle how much i love her.

worth the wait

she's here.

and to be honest, i earned every last beautiful centimeter of her! it was 18 hours of hard, med free labor. which was the goal (well, the med free part). but after about 12 hours, i started to lose it. like psychologically lose it. i added myself to the list of women who say they're going to have a natural child birth, and then beg for an epidural. i was ashamed, but more desperate than i could ever explain.

so the anesthesiologist came in to give me the drugs. but remember that part about 18 hours of med free labor? that's because, even after SEVEN attempts, he could not get the epidural in. he eventually said he could not safely continue to try, and i heard him whisper to the nurse "this has never happened in my entire career!" i'm definately paying for those attempts now, let me tell you!

Kaia Grace was born at 3:50 pm on Friday. and, please forgive me for being blunt, but i've got as many stitches as a girl can have. nothing came easily for us.

the first 20 hours were as blissful as they could be given my physical condition. kaia is so sweet and delicate and peaceful.

saturday afternoon, less than 24 hours after she was born, things started going wrong. kaia turned purple and was put on oxygen. as they started doing tests to find out why she wasn't getting enough oxygen, they found a slew of other things going on: jaundice, possible heart size issues, rapid/shallow breathing and pneumonia. in the blink of an eye kaia was taken by ambulance to the NICU of another hospital, and i was left to figure out what on earth was going on.

the last few days have been horrendous. i can't and won't begin to explain what's gone on, but this darling girl has not had a very kind welcome into the world. it is the most helpless i have ever felt.

i was released from the hospital yesterday afternoon, and went immediately to my little girl. the doctors were saying all kinds of things, none of which sounded terribly optimistic. yesterday was, quite possibly, the worst day of my life (and after the labor, i thought that record would be impossible to beat!)

but, praise God, today was an entirely different story. when we came to the hospital today, she was totally off the oxygen, the jaundice light treatments. another xray this morning showed completely clear lungs and a perfect heart. and our little girl gets to come home tomorrow night once she's completed one more round of "just to be safe" antibiotics.

today was euphoria. we sat and held her (such a gift after not getting to hardly touch her for 2 days of her 3 days here!) and stared at her and i was baby drunk. i cannot express the humility and gratitude i feel for God's grace on our little girl, and for all the people who have sacrificed for us these last days. my faith has been tripled by seeing God's goodness in our friends and family who have prayed and prayed and prayed and offered us endless comfort and time. we are so very blessed.

so here it is. this is the picture of perfection, if you ask me. and although i am still in pretty awful physical condition, my heart is boiling with joy, and i don't hardly care about this pain. how could i? just look at her!