(one of those posts where something was profound to me that sounds cliche to everyone else)

i connected with mary tonight. THE mary. like, mother of jesus mary. no kidding.

i'll set the scene for you: portland is having crazy snow days (see last post), so it's super white and glowy outside. my fella's out playing poker with the dudes tonight (shocking, i know) so i'm here with the little one. i was rocking her to sleep tonight (yes, i still do that. so what. i love it.) the curtains were drawn and i could see snow falling. i always sing to her while we rock, and tonight i decided it made perfect sense to sing a christmas song. the only lullaby-ish one i could think of was silent night.

so i'm singing it, you know the words. "silent night" check. "holy night" sure. "all is calm, all is bright" indeed it is. "round yon virgin." tricky. round, yes. yon....maybe? virgin? hahaha. "mother and child" go on... "holy infant" okay, she may not be HOLY, but she is my miracle. have you heard that story? i'll tell you sometime. so, holy will work. "tender and mild" 3am this morning NOTHING felt tender or mild. but generally speaking, yes. "sleep in heavenly peeeeeeeeeeeeace. sleep in heavenly peace." well, that's what we beg for each and every night.

anyway, at that point, my brain started swirling with thoughts of (the) mary, and how i'd never really considered any of the days between the manger and just before the cross. i imagined mary holding jesus at 2am. i imagined jesus hooked up to a breathing machine (okay, not realistic, but i was making connections) and mary feeling entirely helpless. i imagined all of jesus' diaper blowouts, the times he bit her so hard she bled. the days she felt like hopping on a donkey and getting the heck out of town. jesus was perfect, but mary was A MOTHER.

then i started thinking about the pressure. OH THE PRESSURE of being mom to the SAVIOR of the world. this is bigger than deciding to vaccinate or not, when to start solid foods or what type of diapers to use. this is a tremendous responsibility. imagine how scary it was every time little j got a cold. just imagine. what about the discipline? are you allowed to spank jesus?! at what point do you wonder if he'll say "don't you know who i am?!?!"

wow, mary. tough gig.

but also? AWESOME GIG MARY. i mean, you're the woman behind the man! what if jesus had been married and (the) mary was your mother-in-law!! it's hard living up to my MIL's cooking and supreme kindness...but (the) mary??? yikes. you'd really have to be on your game at christmas! being jesus' mom is big time bragging rights! "oh, little johnny just graduated from bethleham university with honors!" "how lovely. JESUS SAVED ALL OF MANKIND." mary would have crazy book deals these days. she'd be bigger than oprah. way-to-go mary!

and i said to myself, kaia is not jesus. she is no one's savior. but, who knows what God will do with her? who knows what tremendous things she may do. considering the phenomenal role models she has in our friends, i wouldn't be shocked by any amount of greatness from her. i'm not sure of the conclusion i came to...maybe that, if (the) mary could do it, so could i? maybe that this particular phase of parenting is really quite small and quick? maybe....maybe that there is a bit, or a lot, of (the) mary in every mother? our job is no less important than hers was...is it?
maybe i was just enjoying seeing jesus in a new way? as a child who pulled mommy's hair, chewed on the cabinets and refused to sleep. something about that makes me feel better about...everything.

maybe there is no conclusion.