i'm completely useless

after months of ignoring my blog, i'm feeling compelled towards a gushing "dear diary" experience. i didn't know where else to turn.

the last 24 hours have convinced me that i am completely useless. seriously.

let's start with my trip to the grocery store where i hit an 80 year old nun with my cart. you read that right...i hit an old nun with my shopping cart. ran right into the poor dear. thankfully i burst into tears and she noticed my ever ballooning pregnant belly, and had mercy on me. when you hit a nun, is that instant damnation? who hits a nun?

then, i decided to brave the unknown...the crock pot. see, we just spent a few days with the mister's family in washington. you may or may not remember how they're basically perfect in every way, including being as humble as you can imagine. not to mention the added bonus that the sister in law is also pregnant, due 3 weeks after i am. and while i'm handling pregnancy well enough and don't yet look like a complete oily elephant, she is FLAWLESSLY pregnant...she is the pregnant women dream of, she is what men actually mean when they secretly want a wife to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. next to her i not only LOOK horrid, but i seem like a total mess. she's up at the crack of dawn baking and cleaning and planning meals for the whole family. she could not be more fabulous. which of course makes me feel like a sloppy disaster.

oh, here's the point of all of that. while we were visiting, she made "the easiest meal ever" that everyone went gaga over. it was a crockpot meal...which i keep hearing are a working woman's best friend...people have been trying to tell me since i got married that the crockpot would be my favorite thing. but i've never bothered trying it out. well, after such a delicious meal that she swore took "maybe 6 minutes" i figured it was time to give it a go.

i thought today would be a great day to try...a good holiday meal with no work involved or added oven heat...seems perfect. and i'm telling you, i followed the directions to a tee...and it's not like, oops, i forgot to plug it in or turn it on or something. i did everything exactly as indicated. i can honestly find no mistakes on my part.

8 hours later, all excited and having made a big huge deal of it to the mister, we sit down for a hearty meal to celebrate our freedom...and it's dreadful. i mean, really and horribly dreadful. how potatoes can be CRUNCHY after 8 hours in a crockpot is beyond me. if there was an award for worst 4th of july meal, i'd have it on my shelf as we speak.

again, i immediately burst into tears. apparently it's my new favorite thing. so much so that i now carry mini kleenex in my purse. at first i tried to convince myself it was just raging pregnancy hormones. but after awhile, you just can't keep turning to that excuse every time you smash into a lady of the cloth. i mean, clutzy is one thing...this is something else altogether.

my biggest fear? lots of moms keep telling me how "it just gets worse" after you have the baby. apparently, you can never be smart or organized or clean or a good cook. (unless you're rebeccamarie. somehow she beat the system)

it just feels like life itself is set against my success and hapiness these days. the cruel thing is that my DESIRE to cook has basically tripled. so maybe that's it? my cooking abilities were only sufficient for the amount of desire i previously had to actually cook...now that same amount of ability is forced to be spread out among three times as much desire?

aren't i supposed to be glowing and giddy and feeling miraculous by now?

pregnancy is "sacred"

i think it's not any small coincidence that "sacred" and "scared" are basically the same word, like one little typo...

i'm 5 months pregnant now. it's so strange that it still feels really brand new...i'm not at all used to it yet. perhaps that's because it's NEVER the same. nothing has been predictable for me. here's what my week has been like:

those are the only pics i could get that didn't include any amount of girlie parts...you get the idea. my entire chest/stomach have been covered in those electrode probe thingies...each connected to it's own colorful wire. i felt like science.

apparently, my heart is not doing such a great job of adjusting to creating life. my heart's been racing and skipping beats like mad...very alarming. so i was in and out of the hospital this week. once my heart finally calmed down, i got slammed with a ridiculous cold/flu/misery type thing. here's something you never thought you'd hear me say...i'm sick of cable television. i'm dying for some human contact. like, real reality...not just my beloved reality tv.

on the upside: we find out monday if the baby has a penis or a vagina. that's right. and i'm definately excited.

there's the update. seems like blogland has been quiet for awhile, and that's fine. if nothing else, i know my mom still reads my blog!

my new career aspirations

i'm pretty sure celebrity gossip blogging is about the single greatest gig ever. if i could choose a new job right now (and i think about this constantly) i think the celeblog is the way to go. i mean, i can be snarky and feisty and witty and use fun fonts and daily contests (anyone remember the hit "what's in the brown bag?!?!"). i can come up with new paris hilton jabs and jokes about tom and katie. i could TOTALLY rock it as a celeblogger (a term i'm pretty sure i made up all by myself. like blogmunity. other people claim that...but i'm sure it was me that typed it first.)

the thing is, i can't figure out how it works. how on earth did this guy get famous enough to be let in to EVERY celebrity party and award show? where does this fabulous site get all the dirt?

and more importantly, how are they making a living from it? where does the money come from?

i've been thinking about this a lot...and i've figured out how to get my foot in this very valuable door. here's my plan:

if everyone i know becomes super famous, and gives me the express rights to all their deep dark secrets. then i'll just post them on the internet for all to see. about two months after that, i'll start getting calls from the adam carolla radio show, good morning america and total request live. not too long after that i'll branch out and start my own interactive celebrity gossip magazine/blog/1-900 number. it shouldn't take too long before i get my own talk show, couture shoe line for target and people tattoo my face/name on their various parts when drunk.

as you can see, it's a failproof plan.

so, i've done my part. now you....go get famous.


and until then...here are some of my favorite celeblogs: (and don't say i didn't give you a heads up about grownup content/language)
www.dlisted.com
www.thesuperficial.com
www.celebspin.com
www.egotastic.com
www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com

have fun little bunnies.

let the hormones rage on!

i saw this today and cried like someone broke my ipod.

i am already a horrible mother

this according to my boss.

we were sitting in this ridiculous training today, filled with less than intelligent people and your run of the mill awful trainers.

after about two hours of this (and given my awful heartburn keeping me awake till the wee hours) i started to feel hostile. i mean, seriously, people were asking really STUPID questions. so i make a very sarcastic (and funny) comment to the lady sitting next to me about the row of women two tables up who seem to be stuck in 1983 with their winged mullets.

my boss (who, as you may already know, i LOATHE) leans over to me and says, "breanna, you're passing on hatred and judgementalism to your baby. you need to focus on love and acceptance of those who bother you."

to which i replied

"no. i'm passing on high standards. i'm making it clear that stupidity is not an option."

he laughed a little. but seriously?!?! this is actually bothering me. for several reasons really. because, is he right? i mean, am i doing damage to my unborn child by being intolerant of people being voluntary idiots?

and also? is it okay that he even said that? given the fact that we are, in NO WAY, friends or even friendly on most days.

then, later at lunch i was talking to the girls about american idol. and he says
"breanna, you went to college, right?"
"yes."
"what was your major?"
"psychology"
"so, you've been exposed to politics and ethics and social matters and such?"
"yes."
"so why is it that you're always talking about shallow, useless things like reality tv?"

well i gave him an answer. and i won't bore you with it. but please keep in mind that i've been doing this bastard's job for over a year now. and that he is the scum of the scum of the earth. i could go on and on. but i respect you, so i won't.

but can i strike back somehow?