done and done

i'm quite impressed with blogger's new template customizing options. i'm guessing they're not really very new anymore...i guess i've just been too busy producing life over the last year to take notice.

a few things about the remodel:

• i realize it makes it seem like you're getting glimpses of a baby named grace. it is her middle name, but this is not an "all about baby" blog. as you'll kindly recall, the blog and its title were here long before she was.
• i also realize that i've use the same basic template as our dear rebeccamarie. i also recall that one time when i was accused of idolizing her and trying to become her, which resulted in my shutting the blog down for a period of time. so, if "anonymous" is still lurking around, i have this to say: yes, i do adore her. and yes, i made a conscious decision to use this blog template, but that was because a black background best complimented the baby picture i wanted to use, and this was the only template with a black background. also, i'm embarrassed to admit i still remember that stupid anonymous comment and that it still whispers in my head when i blog. booo! i should've recovered from that by now.
• i finally figured out (i feel so stupid to have taken this long) how to resize a picture right in the post, instead of trying to resize the original in photobucket until it's the right size. sheesh...it sure would've been great if i'da known that a long time ago!
• i'm actually pleased with the blog at the moment. not that i even post much, although i feel like i'd like to get back to it, if only for my own enjoyment. i know the picture of kaia is kinda distorted, but i just love that picture, and was trying to make it a good size to be a header. i mean, it took me this long to figure out how to size post pics...you expect me to make phenomenal headers anytime before 2010??
• the thing at the very bottom of the blog is quite nice. it's be quite nicer if my husband actually ever looked at my blog even once to see it there. oh well. maybe one of you will casually mention how romantic and sweet i am to him sometime?

i guess that's about it. i've got some other updates, but this is already a long/boringish post, so i'll hold off for a bit.

oh, one last thing...i finally got hooked up with feedblitz (thanks rlew!) and am thrilled to be reading all of your blogs (all of the "you" that i know about anyhow) again regularly...only thing is it takes loads of extra steps (as far as i can tell) to comment, so that's my new year's resolution. to take some time to comment and let you know i'm reading and i care. awwww! look at me being sweet and thoughtful again!

cheers! and a pic for good measure (and practice in easy sizing!)

please pardon the dust

i'm working on making some changes to the blog, but it's happening bit by bit. so please be understanding of broken picture tags, missing links and such...i thought i knew what i was doing...well i was wrong. happens you know?

also, merry christmas. mine has been dreadful, but that's of no importance at this point...may your days be merry and bright! here's a little christmas family photo to tide you over for awhile. thanks for stopping by!

nickels and dimes

forgive me ahead of time for breaking social etiquette. i know it's not polite to talk about money. the thing is, i tend to live a fairly transparent life, and when stuff is going on, i'm not one to hide it. plus i just kinda need to get some stuff out of my feelings and into words.

i'll start by saying i'm super proud of myself. we got back from our thanksgiving trip to spokane today, and i've accomplished so much in the last 12 hours. i'm tempted to include the actual list because it just seems like it's been so long since i really felt like i ACCOMPLISHED something at home, but i'll spare you. the thing i'm most proud of is that i have decorated our home for christmas. it's not much...i'd never be featured in martha stewart magazine, and no one is going to come into my home and proclaim "oh my! it's just stunning! how DID you do it?!?" but it's cozy and it didn't cost a penny, which is the important part. i just tried to get as creative as i could with stuff we had from last christmas. and i really think i did alright. you're cordially invited to come visit and see for yourself. i'd be happy to make hot cocoa for you.

a year ago, just before we found out we were knocked up, i was thinking about how THIS christmas ("next" christmas at that point") would be the one where i'd really be intentional about decorating IMPRESSIVELY. i figured we'd be at a place financially where i could get some nicer things (as it is most of our "decorations" are from the dollar store) and really feel like a grown up for the holidays.

reality is that God's perfect gift is also the most expensive thing i've ever experienced next to college...and considering my scholarships and the fact that the NICU bills KEEP coming in, college may look cheap by the time this is all over. we thought we had done a great job of saving while we were pregnant, we thought we'd be more than set. but we are wiped out and there is no end in sight. and of course i wouldn't change it for a world of beautiful christmas garb and doodads. my little lady has brought us more joy and love-depth than i could have dreamed, and i certainly wouldn't put any price on that.

it's just a really difficult adjustment for me. i grew up with a LOT of disfunction, but we always had more than enough STUFF and money. in fact, money was the currency of apologies..."sorry i yelled at you...let's go to the mall and get some nice things" "sorry i hit you, here's a hundred bucks." "oh, you had a rough day at school? let's stop by macy's on the way home." all of this basically trained me that when things are tough or don't feel so good, you can buy your way out of it. and really? it works a lot of the time. i didn't have a close family, but i always had the things i wanted, which basically tried to fill the "love" void. the other thing about that experience was that i have never been the one with less money than other people. i've never been RICH mind you, but i've always been able to bless my friends and the occasional stranger with money or lunch or a full gas tank or whatever they needed but couldn't get. and i've loved doing that.

have you read "the five love languages?" my secondary love language is giving gifts...so trying to accept that this christmas there will be no gifts for my husband much less my incredibly deserving friends is a very harsh reality. hanging out with the girls at the mall and seeing them be able to buy gorgeous shoes and holiday attire and having to tell myself that i can't justify a cup of coffee right now is more humbling than i was ready for. it's my little girl's first christmas, and i know she won't remember or ever ask or care one bit...but i feel like i'm failing her because i can't get her a christmas dress or stuff a stocking or get her "baby's first christmas" things. it is such a different holiday season than i was anticipating.

but, at the end of the day, at the end of THIS day, my precious baby is sleeping in my lap, my "sexiest man alive" look-alike husband is giggling at an episode of the simpsons, and my house has glowing twinkle lights reflecting in silver ornaments above felt stockings on the fireplace...and when i focus on those things my heart feels full and tinglywarm, and that's all anyone wants this time of year in the first place.

schizophrenia

some things are getting easier, and i'm glad for that, i really am. but i didn't get ANY sleep last night (i used to say that when i got less than 4 hours, now it literally means NO sleep. strange) and my loony grandmother has been in town a few days being ANTIhelpful, and so i'm feeling stressed and when i get stressed i get overly analytical.

the point? is it normal or acceptable to be terrified of my little girl growing up? i mean, i LOVE kids, particularly between the ages of 2 and 10, so you'd think i'd be really excited to get there with my own. you'd think i'd be in a bit of a rush to get to the phase where there's more sleeping and less psychosis. except that i'm completely dreading the inevitable growing up of my baby. i love cuddling her tiny body. i love watching her mouth keep suckling when the soothie falls out. i love planting kisses all over her face and watching her squirm and wriggle. i love that she's still wearing newborn sized clothes even though she's a whole pound over the stated size limit. i love the (few and far between) moments when we're sleeping so peacefully together.

and honestly, i love the way people look at ME because of her. they treat me more tenderly and with a different respect because of my tiny wonder. so, despite the exhaustion, i kinda want to stay here awhile. i'm starting to understand how women get addicted to babies. i'm almost starting to understand why they voluntarily go through pregnancy and childbirth just to have the tiny baby phase. almost.

i want to be present and grateful in each moment, each season. and i'm grateful for this season, but it's twinged with fear, which is no way to live. is this completely irrational? maybe it's that the older she gets, the closer we come to the days where she can choose to love and need me or not. the days where she can slam doors and shout "i hate you!" or tell her friends, "i hope i'm nothing like her when i get older." because right now, i get to meet her most basic needs, and she looks at me like i'm beautiful. i just don't want her finding out otherwise.

anyway, enough blogtherapy for today. here is my favorite picture to date:

this is hard

seems obvious, right? it's just that there's no way i could've been prepared for all this mom stuff, even though i've got some great friends who tried to help prepare me.

sleep deprivation SOUNDS very different than it feels in real life. in real life it sucks so much more than i could've anticipated. and my body seems to be taking FOREVER to heal. i'm all achy and slow going like a grandma. not my grandma mind you, that lady gives the energizer bunny a run for his/her/its money. but someone's grandma who is, well, achy and slow going.

and new things are happening all the time to make things more difficult, such as mastitis, 105 degree fever for TWO DAYS (i kid you not) and my darling little lady seems to be totally confused between day and night. have i mentioned that this is hard?!

it feels even harder-er when it occurs to me that it's barely been 3 weeks, and that these things aren't likely to resolve anytime soon. she's not going to be sleeping through the night for quite some time, she's going to need to nurse a lot for who knows how long...this is my new life. which can be a tough pill to swallow. especially when i see, bless his heart, how the mister's life hasn't had to change to the degree that mine has. he can be away from the house for hours at a time...he still gets to go out to lunch instead of eating leftovers. and speaking of eating...why didn't anyone tell me it would take me four hours to eat one burrito?! i keep hearing how i'm supposed to be eating all the time and so hungry because i'm breastfeeding, but i'm lucky to get one full meal in everyday.

this is hard.

and i'm tired and i think i'm spending too much time at home because i'm afraid to leave, and what would i do anyway? i wish i had family nearby to help out. that part sucks.

having now complained, let me make it clear that i adore this little lady, and wouldn't trade her in for a year of sleeping in...just in case you were getting concerned. i think it's just particularly difficult because i really prefer to have my life predictable, controlled and planned out. none of which is the case presently. it's really wearing on me that i don't have things organized and under control...a pile of laundry here, dirty dishes there, and i couldn't even tell you the last time i put on make up. i'm sure this is all "normal" but what you may not get is that I HATE NORMAL. i'm giving myself another week, and then i'm kicking my own tush into gear. i can't let my perfectionistic/overachieving self drown for too long in these dirty diapers and seemingly constant nursing sessions.

enough of that. here are some pictures.




which makes me realize i've not taken pictures at all in about 10 days...so that'll be the project tomorrow. now go, and sleep intercessorily for me!