the trance of the Tree

does this happen to anyone else? you walk into the Dollar Tree to quickly grab some bubble gum and ziploc bags..........

and forty minutes later walk out with $46.50 worth of STUFF? what is it about that place...it's almost like the "beer goggle" theory...when i walk in to the store, things look basically trashy and cheap...but 15 minutes later, i'm shocked to have discovered that i can get tissue-paper-thin socks for ONE DOLLAR! what a steal!

how do they do it? do they release something into the air? are there subliminal messages in the music? have they like TOTALLY mastered the shelf placement thing?



also, i decided to google "dollar tree" and found this super fun site...a guy documents stuff he found in the dollar tree. there's really amusing stuff on there. i wish i was one of those blogfessionals who could make a word be what you click on to get to the page they're talking about. but i'm not. so here's the link, the old fashioned way.

www.ericisgreat.com/ bio/dollartree.html


on a side note...nothing makes me happier right now than the nokia commercial with the guy singing "just a good ol' boy...never meanin' no harm..." with his eyes all rolled up to the ceiling. oh man, that guy's a HOOT!

LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!

it's official folks. i hit the big time.

last night, as i was approaching target to do some retail therapy, my best friend and i were approached by an overly-makeuped lady with a microphone, followed by a guy holding a massive camera with a blinding light. i knew immediately what was going on. i said, "please let them ask me about something i know a lot about, so i can sound really smart..."

i always thought i'd get my 15 minutes for some fantastic achievement, a book i'd written, some charity work and whathaveyou. instead...i got my big break because i love to shop. i knew that my 4 weekly visits to target would pay off sometime.
about 100 iPods were stolen. fox 12 news was doing a story on how to check if you're buying stolen goods online. so they asked me, what do YOU do to make sure you're not buying stolen things?

and my reply?

"i've NEVER thought of that...." like a complete and TOTAL idiot.

here I am, college degree, a professional, well-respected in my field (insomuch as is possible at this point), highly intelligent and very gifted young adult. and i basically said

"oh my gosh! like, people would totally like, sell STOLEN stuff? like who would EVER do that?! uh."

my best friend brandon, by the way, was poised, collected and sounded rather smart. this kid's failing every class in college, mind you (and not cause he's stupid, but for lack of trying).

so after all the interviewing is over, we proceed to target, all giggly that we might be stars of the silver screen tonight.

and of course, today i wore grumpy clothes and i-don't-care-hair. so i figure, hey, just cause they interviewed us, doesn't mean we'll make the final cut. we saw them interviewing several other people too.

10 o'clock news time. the stolen iPod story is one of the main stories being previewed. the time comes and who's face should blow up on the screen....yours truly, who else?

and they play FORTY FIVE seconds of me saying "well, on Ebay you can read seller feedback...i think that might help avoid buying stolen stuff." and so on...then they play maybe 4 words from brandon, something like, "i prefere going to the store." and that's that.

and you know how the "camera adds 10?" well it does...and ALLLL of it in my CHEEKS. what a horrid angle.

but we hooped and hoorayed nonetheless. and recorded it. cheesy, i know.

then brandon says, "we should go out tonight...you know people would TOTALLY buy us drinks and stuff..now that we're local celebrities."

here's the link to the story, with the video clip. i didn't know it was going to be online too...sure enough, there's my name...

http://www.kptv.com/Global/story.asp?S=4183666&nav=menu156_2

What you've all been waiting for....

This has got to stop

i don't know if it's the full moon, or if i'm working out some bad karma, or if someone out there has a voodoo dol with my name on it...but this is all getting RIDICULOUS.

Let's recap: In the last month, my little brother disappeared (i never told you guys about that one...not really a light hearted approach available for that kind of situation), i fall and basically made love to some cement, thus giving me perma-limp and some seriously impressive battle scars (a battle i lost, mind you), i've been subjected to some disturbing displays of affection on mass transportation, accidentally farted in front of my boss (didn't tell you about that either...for OBVIOUS reasons) and now THIS.

today, in summary:

kids go crazy, or rather some of the parents i work with go crazy, thus creating tremendous amounts of work for yours truly. but i can handle that. i'm used to it.

a day i thought would end around 7pm (making it the 8th DAY IN A ROW that i've worked 11 hours or more, with no overtime, naturally) actually ended around 9:30pm. So i'm pretty exhausted, right? understandable, i'd say.

as i'm backing out of my parking slot at work (which is very VERY scary when it's dark, i might add) i neglect to notice a dark, short metal handrail just behind me and BAM i slam into it. the handrail is fine...in case you wanted to know. My back light is not doing so well. like, completely shattered.

okay, no big deal...i'll go home, find some boy who knows about these kinds of things, and let him fix it.

keep in mind please that my place of employment is LESS than FIVE MILES from my place of residence.

1 mile before i'm home sweet home (and in the middle of a phone call with an escalated parent) i see some pretty flashing lights.

oh, that actually means something? huh....

so i hang up on the parent, and pull over (bumping the curb as i do so, naturally)

and a very attractive policeman approaches my truck. fair enough. he says, "you've got a busted out light back there you know." "i know. i JUST did that a few minutes ago as i was leaving work." "mmhmm he says." obviously thinking i'm giving him a classic get-out-of-the-ticket line. "can i see your license, registration and insurance?" "of course." i say. i hand him my license, the registration and....and...oh no.

i switched purses this morning...to a smaller purse where my wallet won't fit. and only grabbed my debit card and license...cause what else would i really need?

"um, i just switched purses this morning...my insurance card is in the other one. but i'm only half a mile from here...i can have someone bring it to me in less than five minutes. " "mmhmm." another lie i'm sure he thinks. "don't bother having anyone bring it." "okay." i say, feeling more and more like puking.

"are you still in Clackamas?" "no, i just bought a house out here." "how long ago" "um, about 3 months i think." "you're supposed to change your drivers license within 30 days, you know." strike three. "i honestly had no idea officer. i realize this sounds completely negligent." "i'll be back in a minute."

It was not pretty.

so i arrive home a bit later, ready for a nice big glass of red wine to deal with the events of the day. i approach my door, pull out the keys....hmm, this key isn't working...maybe i just chose the wrong one...well, this key isn't working either.

well that's because i left my house key at work.

beautiful.

so what i need to know is...WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON?

i need answers. have you got any ideas?

May I have your attention please...

Once and for all...

STOP DRY HUMPING ON THE MAX.


thank you for your time.