Tuesday, September 23, 2008

a new season

as i write this there is stuffed acorn squash baking in my oven, the dishwasher is running, every article of clothing not currently being worn by someone in my house is clean and i'm using a cozy snuggling blanket. i am SO ready for fall.

i, like many others, find myself making resolutions and new goals when the seasons change. i feel the most motivated and resourceful at the start of fall. i love transitioning into warm sweaters and coats, putting boots with my skirts instead of peep toe wedges. i love using the fire place and offering guests hot cocoa with marshmallows. i LOVE fall.

i'm also feeling better in general. presently, kaia's on a pretty regular sleep/nap schedule, which is the greatest thing ever. i'm doing a better job of keeping the house clean and tidy, and cooking meals for our family which we enjoy. i'm feeling more plugged in at church (although nowhere near where i'd like to be) and have some potentially awesome opportunities just ahead. (and, let's be honest here, i finally spoke to my dr about anti depressants again, which are starting to make a difference in my mood and thinking.)

i sure don't have it all figured out. i still don't know when i want to go back to school, or even what i want to go back for. i used to have such a clear cut plan for everything. now i'm almost completely unsure of what my life will look like 5 years from now. i just don't know that i want to do what i've always planned on doing. i'm not going to be shocked if i go an entirely different direction. the hardest part is that i can't figure out how to figure it out.

here's what i've resolved/decided for the short term:
1. i'm going to get out and run again. it's been 2 months since i did the Run Like a Girl 10k, and i haven't run once since that day. so i'm working towards a much more reasonable 5k mid october
2. i'm going to blog more. and i say that realizing that almost no one reads my blog. i'm okay with that (i think). but i really enjoy writing and i'd like to work on my writing skills. i'd like to eventually write articles for websites and blogs relevent to me. my husband thinks i'll write books someday. that's harder to picture.
3. i finally took a step toward my ultimate dream. i auditioned for the worship team at church. i have no idea what will come of it or when, but i'm excited. our church is certainly anointed with a strong worship ministry, and i'd love to be a part of it in any way i can. i should find out the results within a few weeks.
4. this is a small one: there's a group of bloggers who do "wordless wednesday" posts that only have a title and a photo or two. i've really enjoyed seeing other people's wordless posts. so i'm going to join in and start wordless wednesdays.

are you feeling it too? have you been cooking up goals and renewed energy? what are you working on lately?


James Wood said...

I read you blog! I'm not nobody . . . am I?

breanna said...

oh no, ha-may...you are NOT nobody! you are certainly SOMEbody....somebody i still want to have over for dinner!

breanna said...

oh no, ha-may...you are NOT nobody! you are certainly SOMEbody....somebody i still want to have over for dinner!

James Wood said...

Well, we are off to Discovery Lab this weekend - after that I think we may have minutes of our life to devote to thinking.

Let's look at mid-October and see what we can make happen . . . then you can build up the fire and offer us some Hot Chocolate!

tabitha jane said...

i've totally made new resolutions this season too! i think it's partly the equinox . . . time to take stock of life.

my goals are to cook more at home, go to gym more (even once a week is more than i was going), be more organized and responsible, take time to be still and invest in myself and others, blog more, begin writing songs, and i'm even singing with our church for the next two sundays . . .

yay! go you! hope things are going well for your family - i miss you and i miss portland ! and sushi grandpa.

Corine said...

Hi Breanna!

I linked to your site after reading your blog submission on "From Dates to Diapers".... all I have to say is.. THANK YOU!!!! This week I saw an episode of Opera about moms who are overwhelmed and found it somewhat relatable... and then I read your article today, and it is so nice to know Im not the only one out there.

I felt like you entered my brain and stole my exact thoughts & feelings to write that article... and when I got to your site and read your "new season" entry, (btw Falls my favorite too!) I realized we're obviously twins seperated at birth lol...

No but seriously, I have a 3 yr old son and a 3 wk old daughter. Im always telling my husband... I feel like ever since I had our son Im overwhelmed with confusion, trying to find myself all over again, convinced that out there- there was this "perfect balance"; and for me its been an extremely BIZZARE experience with a rollercoaster of emotions. Especially because I felt like NO ONE knew what I was talking about and I was just a total mental case or something.

I tried the working mom thing, changing jobs 3 times in 3 years- never feeling fulfilled... always feeling a little guilty for wanting to work, not being with my son 24 hours a day like i was "suppose to"... and feeling like every other mother I knew just completely adjusted into motherhood with no problem, never questioning their identity, and achiving that daily balance effortlessly. And after years of searching, I felt like I needed to be banished to the "land of the misfit Moms" because I clearly lacked the ability to channel the perfect mom within.... So I decided to stay home but found that still wasnt the answer.

As I mentioned I also now have a new baby girl, and although I love my children dearly, and know Im extremely fortunate to even have the option of staying home with them... Im an independent person by nature .. and hell Im only 27 years old!!! - I enjoy dressing up now and then and feeling PRETTY instead of (GASP!) "MATRONLY". I'm still passionate about working on "my own things", setting and achieving my own goals.. whatever that may be at the moment... and it does seem to change moment to moment.... And so, I still continue to search to find myself.... and I guess that is ok! :)

I've book marked your blog and will be checking often!... If I find "the answers" Ill be sure to let you know ;)

breanna said...

thanks for reading the post, and linking to it, and leaving such a kind and sincere comment. you have made my month!

it is incredibly comforting to know that someone else is feeling as loony as i do! i really had myself convinced that by the time the baby was 4 or 5 months old, i'd have it TOTALLY figured out...making wonderful meals, having an impecably clean home, doing lots of interesting things with all the "extra" time since i was no longer working. well, here we are, nearly 13 months into my child's life, and no such luck!

and like you said, i keep thinking that my perfect "mother" skills are inside somewhere, just waiting to be tapped into. i keep telling myself if i can just find the right colored tabs and list making pads, surely that will be the thing to turn it all around.

on top of all that, trying to figure out how to get myself ironed out in time to be a good role model to my daughter of a godly mother/wife/woman, no pressure or anything. there's just so much left to figure out, and i feel like there's a clock ticking away time that's sure to run out.

some days i feel like i'm still a kid...and i think, do all mothers feel like this?