schizophrenia

some things are getting easier, and i'm glad for that, i really am. but i didn't get ANY sleep last night (i used to say that when i got less than 4 hours, now it literally means NO sleep. strange) and my loony grandmother has been in town a few days being ANTIhelpful, and so i'm feeling stressed and when i get stressed i get overly analytical.

the point? is it normal or acceptable to be terrified of my little girl growing up? i mean, i LOVE kids, particularly between the ages of 2 and 10, so you'd think i'd be really excited to get there with my own. you'd think i'd be in a bit of a rush to get to the phase where there's more sleeping and less psychosis. except that i'm completely dreading the inevitable growing up of my baby. i love cuddling her tiny body. i love watching her mouth keep suckling when the soothie falls out. i love planting kisses all over her face and watching her squirm and wriggle. i love that she's still wearing newborn sized clothes even though she's a whole pound over the stated size limit. i love the (few and far between) moments when we're sleeping so peacefully together.

and honestly, i love the way people look at ME because of her. they treat me more tenderly and with a different respect because of my tiny wonder. so, despite the exhaustion, i kinda want to stay here awhile. i'm starting to understand how women get addicted to babies. i'm almost starting to understand why they voluntarily go through pregnancy and childbirth just to have the tiny baby phase. almost.

i want to be present and grateful in each moment, each season. and i'm grateful for this season, but it's twinged with fear, which is no way to live. is this completely irrational? maybe it's that the older she gets, the closer we come to the days where she can choose to love and need me or not. the days where she can slam doors and shout "i hate you!" or tell her friends, "i hope i'm nothing like her when i get older." because right now, i get to meet her most basic needs, and she looks at me like i'm beautiful. i just don't want her finding out otherwise.

anyway, enough blogtherapy for today. here is my favorite picture to date:

this is hard

seems obvious, right? it's just that there's no way i could've been prepared for all this mom stuff, even though i've got some great friends who tried to help prepare me.

sleep deprivation SOUNDS very different than it feels in real life. in real life it sucks so much more than i could've anticipated. and my body seems to be taking FOREVER to heal. i'm all achy and slow going like a grandma. not my grandma mind you, that lady gives the energizer bunny a run for his/her/its money. but someone's grandma who is, well, achy and slow going.

and new things are happening all the time to make things more difficult, such as mastitis, 105 degree fever for TWO DAYS (i kid you not) and my darling little lady seems to be totally confused between day and night. have i mentioned that this is hard?!

it feels even harder-er when it occurs to me that it's barely been 3 weeks, and that these things aren't likely to resolve anytime soon. she's not going to be sleeping through the night for quite some time, she's going to need to nurse a lot for who knows how long...this is my new life. which can be a tough pill to swallow. especially when i see, bless his heart, how the mister's life hasn't had to change to the degree that mine has. he can be away from the house for hours at a time...he still gets to go out to lunch instead of eating leftovers. and speaking of eating...why didn't anyone tell me it would take me four hours to eat one burrito?! i keep hearing how i'm supposed to be eating all the time and so hungry because i'm breastfeeding, but i'm lucky to get one full meal in everyday.

this is hard.

and i'm tired and i think i'm spending too much time at home because i'm afraid to leave, and what would i do anyway? i wish i had family nearby to help out. that part sucks.

having now complained, let me make it clear that i adore this little lady, and wouldn't trade her in for a year of sleeping in...just in case you were getting concerned. i think it's just particularly difficult because i really prefer to have my life predictable, controlled and planned out. none of which is the case presently. it's really wearing on me that i don't have things organized and under control...a pile of laundry here, dirty dishes there, and i couldn't even tell you the last time i put on make up. i'm sure this is all "normal" but what you may not get is that I HATE NORMAL. i'm giving myself another week, and then i'm kicking my own tush into gear. i can't let my perfectionistic/overachieving self drown for too long in these dirty diapers and seemingly constant nursing sessions.

enough of that. here are some pictures.




which makes me realize i've not taken pictures at all in about 10 days...so that'll be the project tomorrow. now go, and sleep intercessorily for me!