Sunday, September 11, 2005

5 Reasons Hugh Grant Probably Digs Me

Reason Hugh Grant Probably Digs Me #1:
I've heard nothing to the contrary

This much is true—I have yet to hear a single thing about Hugh Grant not being completely into me. Since I've been given no reason to presume that Hugh Grant doesn't want me, I am left with no other conclusion but that, in fact, he most likely wants me pretty bad.

I remain flattered but uninterested. No doubt he's practicing writing "Breanna Grant" over and over again in his diary, with big swirly loops and hearts. And someday we'll have a drink, and I'll show him my diary with "Breanna hearts Hugh" written over and over again with big swirly loops and hearts, and oh, the laughs we'll have. Oh, the drinks we'll also have. Oh, how drunk he'll get. But mostly the laughter.

Until then, consider me forbidden fruit, Mr. Grant. All the swirly loops in the world won't change that, even ten million swirly loops. Do well to remember that.

Reason Hugh Grant Probably Digs Me #2:
Guys dig sweet, mysterious chicks

And let me tell you, I've got sweetness and mystery coming out my ears. Mysterious? How many chicks keep a spare wig in their glovebox? If you said "no chicks" you'd be wrong by precisely one chick:me.

Originally I did it because I wanted to turn my boring regular life into something that resembled that chick in Alias. Wigs always did the trick for her. So i decided to start some secret ops, you know, to make the wig worth it. but it turns out that bank tellers won't so much give you money when you look nothing like your ID. and they don't like it when you tell them that only the hair has been changed to protect the innocent. They start to ask questions, and not nicely. Accusingly. And eventually they get really accusing and mean, and you cry a bit, and you tell them you were only wearing a wig for the purposes of administering justice. And they won't listen.

Even though I had to scrap 90% of my original wig plans, I still managed to get a barrette with some blond hair attached to it.. Well, little blond braids. Even so, these barrettes still rocket me up to 10% Alias; by my calculations that works out to 100% blond-braided mysteriousness. Ask the weather man and he'll tell you: 100% mystery equals warm fronts with a 100% chance of Hugh Grant wanting me.

I will be completely frank with you: I can't actually conceive that Hugh Grant wouldn't be pretty turned on by all that. Plus, if he ever breaks a shoe lace I can always unsnap one of my braids and come to his rescue.

Reason Hugh Grant Probably Digs Me #3:
I'm pretty sure I heard him say he digs me

At least I think I heard him say he dug something—I connected the dots myself on that one. It was at a party a Hollywood producer was throwing in celebration of some movie or another. I think it starred Richard Gere, but then, so do a lot of movies, and you don't see any parties for them. Anyway, it starred some guy.

I don't know what Hugh Grant was doing there, exactly, except for "looking dashing" and "digging me, most likely," two things I’m completely positive of. I'd been breaking into the producer's house at the time on one of my Alias excursions, but all the noise from the living room kept distracting me from emptying out the contents of the den into a sack, so I decided to mingle a little.

The second Hugh laid eyes on me, he turned to some chick and whispered something. I'm a bit of a lip reader, and I'm almost certain he either said "I dig that chick" or "Eye-gag, thought shreek," which kind of looks the same lip-wise, even if it doesn't make a bit of sense. So either Hugh Grant totally digs me, or he's a blathering idiot. This syncs up with most of my theories on men to date, actually.

Sadly I was unable to chat the dashing, accented Mr. Grant up and get to the bottom of things, as through no fault of my own I was a little drunk and got into a hair pulling fight with some lady that was spending a little too much time oggling Hugh's tush. I most likely would have been arrested, except I managed to break away by gagging her with one of the blond braids.

Reason Hugh Probably Digs Me #4:
Science agrees with me.

I crunched a couple of numbers on this, and it turns out science backs my Hugh-digging hypothesis 100%. Check it out:

Image hosted by

Image hosted by

Note the above scientific facts point only to the possibility of Hugh Grant proposing marriage to me, not any indication of my hypothetical response.
The naysayers among you might be able to refute the rest of my arguments, but you can't beat stone-cold science. That's why it's called science. Refuting scientific logic is like slapping Isaac Newton's face — it's simply not logical to do it. Who'd slap Isaac Newton's face? That's ridiculous. Anyway, that's you.

Reason Hugh Grant Probably Digs Me #5: Check out this handstand


[flawless handstand]

Your Honor... I rest my case.


Breanna said...

alright. for the record. I sorta hijaked this from a brilliant fellow, only i cleaned it up and made it my own.

i never said i was original. few of us really are.

here's the link:

tabitha jane said...

that last reason reminded me of "the emporer's new groove"

devil: he's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness, i'm gonna lead you down the path that rocks!

[insert more stuff here]

reason number one: look at that silly dress he's wearing

angel: we've been through this. it's a robe.

devil: that's a dress. and that's a harp.
reason number two: look what i can do [does handstand]

kronk: what's that got to do with anything?

angle: no, no, he's got a point.

Ghost Dog said...

Wow. That's like, a mountain of evidence. I'm convinced.

I think Eva Mendes digs me, but I don't have anything to back that up.
I used to think Sheryl Crow dug me, 'cause we're Steelers fans, but then she hooked up with that Lance guy who did all that bicycle racing stuff.

PapaPeters said...

i think hugh doesn't deserve you plus isn't he into dirty chicks. Plus I wish you would have called me to hang out when I was in Portland I really miss you two.

Bill said...

The Emperors New Groove is a completely under-rated, under-acknowledged, awesome movie. I sometimes think I enjoy it more than my 7-year old daughter Lexi when we watch it together.

rebecca marie said...

seriously bill, why don't people know how great it is?

Charlotte said...

Breanna - How can I refute such evidence. He totally digs you. The ball is in your court to say, "Thanks, but no thanks"

And, I too totally love the Emperor's New Groove and agree it's underappreciated.

tabitha jane said...

now i feel really bad. bad llama.

i laughed so hard the first time i saw it. niki and i were in germany together. i almost peed my pants.

but anyway, seriously, this hugh post is terribly funny . . . how old is hugh now anyway?

Breanna said...

i heart the emperor's new groove!!! i went through a phase a couple years ago with two GREAT friends of mine (sponi shout out!)where we watched the movie almost WEEKLY and quoted the lines is one of the funniest movies i'm in the mood to see it!

Ryan-once're too sweet!

Tabitha-Hugh Grant is old enough to be GORGEOUS. that's all that matters.

Guys get to have 'eye candy' that they don't justify...that's all he is to me...well...eye and ear candy...i LOVE his accent.

tabitha jane said...

breanna, did i tell you that this woman from imago called me the other day who had the most amazing scottish accent?
she even asked if i had a "wee pen" so i could write something down!

Cali Girl said...

I recognized your post right away but I couldn't remember where I had read it. Thanks for citing the original version.