someone, tell me when i'll find my new normal. someone tell me there IS a normal to be found? why is this identity crisis lingering for so long? why does having a baby and (mostly) leaving the workforce completely change my understanding of myself? why do i perceive that other people feel sorry for me, like they think my life has come to a sudden halt from awesomeness and into a slurry of poo and onesies? because, i mean, the poo and onesies part is true...but is the "old" me gone for good? and why do i feel like i need to apologize for "new" me...for needing to plan around bedtimes and be overly aware of sickness sneaking its way into my house?
i'm acutely terrified of being that new mom who only ever talks about the baby...who seems to exist solely for the baby. except that i think i'm nearly HER. but i've realized, at least in my case...it's not because i'm super obsessed with her (don't get me wrong, i am, just not like THAT...you know, the obsessed that takes great joy in diaper counts and teething symptoms), it's because that's just all there is to my life lately.
let me clarify. it's because, my entire day, and night, and thinking, and all our money is about HER. and it should be. we're intentional about that...i'm choosing to stay home with her. but that's where my time goes. so when people are talking about bosses and coworkers and the new place they tried for lunch, or where they're going for the long weekend...all i HAVE is "she's standing up now!" because it's all i do.
i try REALLY hard to have other things to say. i try to read websites that will give me things to say, important and interesting things. but it's HARD and i find myself horrified that i'm completely boring now. this is not something i'm used to.
so, parents, when does the new normal find its way into my life? when do i get a new sense of self that i feel okay about? and what do i do to speed things up? how do i get acquainted with me?