ch ch ch changes

someone, tell me when i'll find my new normal. someone tell me there IS a normal to be found? why is this identity crisis lingering for so long? why does having a baby and (mostly) leaving the workforce completely change my understanding of myself? why do i perceive that other people feel sorry for me, like they think my life has come to a sudden halt from awesomeness and into a slurry of poo and onesies? because, i mean, the poo and onesies part is true...but is the "old" me gone for good? and why do i feel like i need to apologize for "new" me...for needing to plan around bedtimes and be overly aware of sickness sneaking its way into my house?

i'm acutely terrified of being that new mom who only ever talks about the baby...who seems to exist solely for the baby. except that i think i'm nearly HER. but i've realized, at least in my case...it's not because i'm super obsessed with her (don't get me wrong, i am, just not like THAT...you know, the obsessed that takes great joy in diaper counts and teething symptoms), it's because that's just all there is to my life lately.

let me clarify. it's because, my entire day, and night, and thinking, and all our money is about HER. and it should be. we're intentional about that...i'm choosing to stay home with her. but that's where my time goes. so when people are talking about bosses and coworkers and the new place they tried for lunch, or where they're going for the long weekend...all i HAVE is "she's standing up now!" because it's all i do.

i try REALLY hard to have other things to say. i try to read websites that will give me things to say, important and interesting things. but it's HARD and i find myself horrified that i'm completely boring now. this is not something i'm used to.

so, parents, when does the new normal find its way into my life? when do i get a new sense of self that i feel okay about? and what do i do to speed things up? how do i get acquainted with me?

compound pronouns

we spent sunday with the mister's mother's side of the family celebrating grandpa's 85th birthday. it was an incredible day. i'm not sure that anyone else there would describe it that way.

for them, it was a run of the mill family get together, not unlike the many other gatherings they have several times a year. i've been to a lot of these through the 8 years mister and i have been together.

something about this time struck me differently. i haven't said very much at all about my growing up experiences on this blog, and really most of you who read know already anyhow. but, having just visited my hometown two weeks ago (a generally awful trip, as per usual) the polar opposite-ness of it all was much more shocking than usual.

because, get this: this family LOVES to be together. this was hour upon hour of belly laughing, hugging, getting each other snacks and drinks. genuine interest in the goings on of each person's life. even me,. THEY CARE. this is quite foreign to me.

so very foreign, that it maybe took until now for me to BELIEVE them. these are incredible people. THIS is what family is supposed to be. it was beautiful.

and, as grandpa sat opening thoughtful and generous gifts from his family all seated around the table, many having flown in from hawaii just for this day, i looked around the room and saw people with their arms around each other, people thoroughly enjoying being together, and i imagined that grandpa must feel so fulfilled. what an incredible legacy he has built. what a fantastic family he has created and fostered. it is what it should be. what we should all aim for. and i felt deeply honored to be part of it.

a few pictures, which don't at all capture the warm tinglies i was feeling: