Tuesday, January 22, 2008

100 things

primarily inspired by bigmike's "100 things" post, and also because i've got plenty on my mind but nothing that's worth it's own post...i present to you my list of 100 things.


  1. i've tried to fight it, but i have to admit, i like the jonas brothers.
  2. remember wes mckenzie from AVB? he was my first real crush...like, in love with him as a little girl crush. well, one of my new favorite friends from church is married to a guy that looks so much like wes that i feel guilty when i look at him and can't get up the nerve to talk to him. he must think i'm so weird to clam up whenever he walks in the room.
  3. i can't seem to shake the overwhelming fear that kaia will grow up to despise me.
  4. even i'm begining to worry about my love of reality tv
  5. i miss a lot of friends, but put off reconnecting with them because i hate the "sorry i've been so terrible about keeping in touch, it's just that i've been so busy blah blah blah" part of the conversation.
  6. i'm terribly lonely. i'm trying to fill the void by copious amounts of time spent on babycenter.com talking to other mothers of sept. 07 babies.
  7. i thought that producing a beautiful little baby would help me feel more proud and grateful about my body. it's not at all true. not yet anyhow
  8. i'm getting a lot better at cooking.
  9. this is day 8 in a row of getting less than 2 hours sleep total. while i'm not "there," i can totally understand those women that lose their minds and throw babies out of windows. don't worry about me,seriously. but i get it now.
  10. if i could have any superpower, i'd ask to exchange the superpower option and instead be an incredible songwriter.
  11. leaving the church of christ was exhilerating and heartbreaking all at once. only the exhileration lasted. please don't be offended.
  12. the mister's dad thinks we're going to hell because of #11. it's been a painful experience. worse is that he blames me for leading our family "astray." you wouldn't believe the emails.
  13. being a mother has taught me that i'm way more of a control freak and perfectionist than i ever knew. and i've always openly admited how control-freaky i am!
  14. if i could eat sushi everyday, i totally would.
  15. i am actually repulsed by my own face when i accidentally catch a glimpse of it in a mirror or window.
  16. i've started drinking chlorophyll and using essential oils and other "naturopathic" things. for some reason it feels like braging to share this.
  17. i feel embarrassed to sing to the baby
  18. the other day i saw this older woman at work i hadn't seen since i was pregnant. she said "wow, you look so skinny!" and i said "thanks, i really needed to hear that today!" she said, "well, not like actually skinny, it's just that the last time i saw you, you were pregnant. that's what i meant." i wanted to punch her in the face.
  19. i've gone through FOUR large boxes of kleenex in the last 10 days. even with the lotiony kind, my nose is completely red and sore
  20. i spy on my ex-boyfriend from high school's myspace. not because i miss him or anything like that, but because i'm so curious about his life...kind of the "this is what my life would've been if i stayed with him." he has two kids. his wife is gorgeous.
  21. ever since my accident in august, i tense up and stare in the rearview mirror when someone is coming to a stop behind me.
  22. i wish i was blonde
  23. i'm slightly jealous that my daughter will be blonde with blue eyes. i feel guilty for being jealous. guilty and shallow.
  24. i love costco. buying food in bulk makes the fat girl part of my brain feel safe.
  25. i hate how the things that are coming to mind make it seem as though i'm trying to be profound or dramatic
  26. i'm clearly having some sort of identity crisis.
  27. i come from a family of hoarders. not the super bad kind like on oprah, but pretty bad. my uncle owns more than 2,500 vhs movies. my grandma has over 500 giraffes of various sizes. she never dusts them. she also refuses to throw away jars or plastic containers. she lives alone in a house twice the size of mine and has no room for visitors.
  28. my grandfather and i would watch the rosie o'donnell shoe everyday when i was in high school. he loved her. i'm glad he passed away before she became what she is now.
  29. i'm worried that becoming a mother will eventually be the thing that keeps me from pursuing my long held dreams. i'm afraid that "this is it."
  30. i firmly believe that chocolate covered raisins were the result of divine inspiration.
  31. i'm way too concerned with what others think of me
  32. i qtip at least once daily
  33. i like the idea of being a news anchor or radio talk show host.
  34. my dream job is to be a worship leader. like how christy nockels from watermark leads worship for the Passion events, and also at church. i thought this was impossible, but our new church has several female worship leaders. it's awesome
  35. i don't have a political stance that i'm aware of. i think i should, but don't know where to start. i vote based on gut feelings that i get from minimal exposure to candidates.
  36. i love basketball,but rarely actually understand what's goingon.
  37. i'm obsessed with the adam carolla show. i fall asleep each night listening to the podcast. i talk about adam like he's my best friend. i'm always saying things like "well adam says that..." or "just the other day adam was talking about..." no one else i know listens to the show. i can't fathom this. someone told me a few weeks ago that my love of adam and most everything he says represents a strong political view i just don't know what it is.
  38. three men that i had a crush on in high school who hardly noticed me then have hit on me despite knowing that i'm happily married. i don't know what to make of this.
  39. i thought i'd feel like a grown up by now
  40. i've typed this whole thing with one hand. i'm too prideful to leave typos even though it takes forever to correct. now i'm paranoid that you've found a typo i missed
  41. i would totally get plastic surgery if we could afford it. all kinds of it
  42. i can't seem to get into facebook like i have myspace. it just doesn't make much sense to me
  43. i miss feeling like a wife. even more i miss feeling like a woman. i miss my beautiful shoes and having time to do my hair and make up. i hate how cliche it is that i've "let myself go" as a new mom
  44. i would pay 300 bucks for a solid 9 hours of sleep
  45. i wish i could come up with something i could make and sell on ebay. i'm so not make-y.
  46. i love how kaia always falls asleep with her little hand tucked just inside my shirt. like my skin is her "home base"
  47. i love loggins and messina. i don't think enough people appreciate their music.
  48. kaia loves it when i sing "buddy holly" by weezer. i think it's hillarious
  49. i faked bad eye sight in 5th grade because i thought glasses were cool looking. i'm pretty sure the optometrist knew it, but he gave me the weakest glasses possible. looking back, i can see how ugly they were. i still have perfect eyesight.
  50. not a day goes by that i don't miss and desperately desire In and Out burger.
  51. i still think hugh grant is completely gorgeous
  52. i wouldn't mind getting a tattoo, but i can't for the life of me figure out what it would be, or where it would go. i don't think my body is conducive to a cute tattoo.
  53. is it weird that i aspire to be more like my sister in law? like, i want to be like my husband's sister...is that strange? but i do. she's incredible.
  54. i love frosted pop tarts.
  55. i'm over oprah. i never thought that would happen
  56. i'm still trying to become a runner. i'm trying to get ready for a 5k in march. i'm really doubting myself about this.
  57. i don't know much about him, but watching barak obama puts me at ease.
  58. something about britney spears' ongoing meltdown makes me feel better about me. like all these men idolized her and now she's a hot mess. doesn't make me more attractive, i realize.
  59. i would live in skirts and cardigans if i could. can't get enough
  60. i feel like i've blogged one of these lists before. i wonder how many of these things are repeats?
  61. going to walmart makes me feel dirty, but not as dirty as winco
  62. i dream at least once a week that my teeth fall out and i try to push them back in.
  63. i drive different ways to work everyday because i heard it's better for your brain and i'm scared of dementia
  64. i'm bitter that my husband still gets two showers a day and i'm lucky to get three a week
  65. sometimes i'm angry that my grandpa died first
  66. i still don't know how to put links into blogs so that you just click on the word. i give up.
  67. in high school i snuck a boy into my room through the sliding glass door. later, when he tried to sneak back out, my neighbor tackled him because she thought he was breaking into our house. somehow i came up with a story that satisfied everyone and had the neighbor laughing and the boy invited over for dinner. don't ask me how. (yet another reason i'm scared of having a daughter!!) (and just to be clear...nothing "happened")
  68. have you had the chocolate hazelnut milkshake from burgerville? it's perfection. and it's in season right now! go! go quickly!
  69. when i really think about it, eating meat totally grosses me out. so i try not to think about it.
  70. i still check to see that the baby is breathing all the time
  71. when i was in 7th grade i would save my lunch money and stop by the pet store on the way home from school and buy all the feeder mice i could afford and set them free outside. i hated the idea that mice were bred for the sole purpose of being eaten. it didn't occur to me that by setting them free in the parking lot they'd likely die just as soon.
  72. when someone asks me my favorite book, i choose something that sounds intelligent like catcher in the rye or river why. my actual favorite book is probably jemima j. or maybe enders game.
  73. i do the same thing with movies.
  74. i'm seriously considering that one hairstyle where the top layer of hair is completely blonde and the rest is dark brown. i think it looks incredible on other people. i'm not sure it would look good on me. kinda like this: Photobucket
  75. i have no self control when it comes to warm chocolate chip cookies and milk
  76. i hate to say i "collect" anything (see #27) but i get a starbucks city mug everywhere i visit. and i love to get new travel mugs to cheer myself up. that and lip gloss. and shoes.
  77. i hate roses.
  78. i hate the song "amazing grace." not for any specific reason, and i certainly don't hate what the song means or anything. i just hate the song itself.
  79. i don't believe it when fat people say they feel good about their bodies. i want to, i just don't.
  80. i can't get over the shock of heath ledger's death. it seems fake to me.
  81. although i LOVE musicals, i can't stand grease, or dirty dancing, or moulin rouge.
  82. when i was young i hated not knowing who my father was. now i realize it's better that way. i don't think i'd choose to know if i could.
  83. this feels a lot like "post secret"
  84. i once bought myself an "employee of the month" mug because i thought i deserved it. when people at work asked about it, i laughed and told them it was from my husband.
  85. in college i got to make the student id's and would always paste a picture of minnie driver into my card because i hate pics of myself. but i wouldn't let other students do stuff like that. i think that was rude of me.
  86. i love ironing. and scrubbing. especially when i'm angry. i could clean house all day if my ipod was fully charged.
  87. i love wine. but i'm not sophisticated about it. i usually buy wine based on two criteria: cute bottle and under 15 bucks.
  88. i have a horrible memory when it comes to movie details. this works out great for me because i can watch them over and over and there are always new things. even with my favorites.
  89. i love buying my favorite shows on dvd.
  90. i'm glad kaia looks mostly like her dad. i think it means she'll have an easier life.
  91. you can tell i'm having a horrible day if i'm wearing a baseball cap so low that you can hardly see my eyes. it's my tell.
  92. i go to sport websites to try and learn quick facts hoping that i'll be able to tell the mister something he hasn't heard yet. i get excited when it actually works. like today when i told him about tom brady wearing a cast.
  93. i have this fear in the back of my head that all my experience with kids that have developmental disabilities has been God's way of preparing me for my own dd child.
  94. the primary reason i don't audition for american idol is that i'm afraid i'll end up being one of those people who think they are good singers because everyone around them would never tell them the truth. i can't stand the idea of being the last to know i'm horrible. that and i don't want to hear simon's opinion on my weight/looks.
  95. i was only going to do 25 things originally.
  96. i desperately want to travel around europe
  97. kaia still sleeps in bed with us. we haven't even used her co-sleeper yet. i think this has more to do with me liking her right next to me than her needing to be so close.
  98. i have always hated feet. but i could kiss kaia's little feet all day long.
  99. i watch nickelodeon's "drake and josh" almost everyday.
  100. have i ever told you about how i used to think the bermuda triangle was a black hole in the sky? or that albinos were a race of people like eskimos? i can really humiliate myself sometimes.

11 comments:

Paula said...

Hey, friend,

I'm really sorry about #12. I know a lot of people-- including my husband and his whole family-- who have been treated that way. You know what's funny? I know now that the number 1 reason God had me end up @ Cascade was so that I could understand how hurtful the C of C could be so that I would have some common ground to share with Eric. I needed to be able to understand where he was coming from. Weird, huh? Anyway-- I wish I could come and hang out with you and meet Kaia! A visit to Portland hasn't been in the financial cards for awhile, but I'm hoping it won't be too much longer!

LoriLoo310 said...

This list makes me wish we lived closer so we could hang out on a regular basis.

Hugs for you!

BSC said...

I'm with you on 5, 31 and 88. But that's all.

Jason Hill said...

37: I'm with ya. I've totally stopped waiting for green, left arrows before I make a left-hand turn at an intersection. I just do it when its safe, even if the arrow is red.

Breanna said...

sponi-P: i support your need for a trip to portland.

lori: thanks for the bloghug. much needed and very appreciated. and also, you say the word and i'll start driving around portland looking for your new house.

BSC: i like that we have a few random things in common.

Jason: just another thing that causes me to have a deep appreciation for you!! i think i do the red turn arrow thing about half the time, but when i do it is so exhilerating! i'm thrilled to see someone else join the fight!

Ashlie said...

Breanna,

I know that we've only met a few times but I just wanted to share with you that you all are really brave for deciding to let God lead you to the right church instead of your parents (or inlaws). People may have the best of intentions (and I know they do) but sometimes they don't understand the whole picture.
I really enjoyed reading your 100 things. I think that I feel about 50 of them right now also. J and I don't have any kids but I'm soooo afraid that when we do they will grow up disrespectful and think I'm stupid. Like my younger siblings are treating my parents. Is it better to take a chance or to regret not having taken one? Hmmmm....
Thanks for being so honest,
Ashlie

p.s. If I remember correctly, from meeting you and your pictures you are totally beautiful. I specifically remember thinking that you had really nice skin and gorgeous hair. Don't dwell on those extra baby pounds, they will melt off sooner than later. Just don't compare yourself to Julie or you will get depressed. I do on a regular basis ;)....

Ashlie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stacy said...

Love your list. Agree with most, except, um, hello, how can you not like Dirty Dancing??? Or Grease??? Or Moulin Rouge??? 3 of the best movies ever!! And I'm pretty sure I know who's husband you're talking about (#2), hahaha!! I'm totally telling on you!

You're an awesome, gorgeous mama! Kaia's love for you will only grow and she does.

P.S. I, too, "collect" lip gloss and Starbuck's mugs!

~Katie

emilykaypeters said...

I love this list.. it makes me want to make one myself. I know we have only met once but I relate to you on so many of these issues that it is hard to name them all. I would still love to come over and hang out with you and kaia. And you wouldn't even have to say sorry that you hadn't had time to hang out...

Breanna said...

ashlie- you are just so sweet!! i'm glad i'm not the only one who feels like i could never measure up to julie...she's just incredible!

stacy: hopefully i'm not kicked out of the circle because of the musical thing...let's try to move past it...maybe over coffee even?!

emily- my goodness! how many times have we said we need to get together...what's wrong with us?! see...i'm starting to do THAT THING...anyway, let's remedy this soon!

tabitha jane said...

i realize this is long, but they are my reactions to your list. it's why we make these lists, right?

my sister, deborah has a poster of the jonas bros in her dorm room as a joke . . . i think she secretly likes them too.

word about the c of c.

and not getting sleep with newborns. i don't know how you new mamma's do it . . . i only survived a week of it with jamie and then i got to go home . . . she's going to be doing it for a good long while!

i've had sushi a grand total of 1 time since coming to the east coast. it was that disappointing.

i spy on my ex too. he engaged. and he has the control over her that he always wanted over me. i know he'll be happy, but i feel like warning her!

jamie's kid . . . despite her wanting nothing to do with christianity, immediately falls asleep when we sing him old c of c songs in operatic style while he is screaming. it's baffling.

dreaming about your teeth falling out symbolizes worrying about money or about loosing control of something in your life . . . or both combined. that's what i've been told.

what about the cows that lived on hills with different length legs so they wouldn't fall over?