i've always been the smart girl. the talented girl with every solo and the leading roles. the girl with drive and determination. the girl you can count on, trust, and look to for fabulous advice. the girl with great shoes. the girl with great taste in music. the girl who's good with kids. the girl who will go far, who will change the world, or at least big parts of it.
but never, NEVER have i been the cute girl. the hot girl. the beautiful girl. the sexy, gorgeous, stunning girl.
and i'm divided about that. one half of me is an empowered woman, who wants nothing to do with the people who would say that i am less because i haven't owned the "pretty" title. this is the half that knows that looks fade away and then you're left with ugly AND boring. this is the half that is so glad i've got intelligence and compassion and that i'm gifted in a lot of ways.
the OTHER half, the one that is louder, would gladly hand over every talent, and nearly every brain cell IF ONLY i could be the girl that turns heads. this is the half that is secretly jealous of Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson because, stupid as they seem, they have so much power in their blond hair and long legs. and to be honest, this is the part that desperately longs to be one of the girls that boys love and chicks despise.
why is there such a divide? why does so much power exist in appearance...and why does power seem to slowly leak from my being when i'm near these beauties?
i've certainly done my best to rid myself of this. plenty of conversations with other women who, in all their glory, feel they don't quite measure up simply because of their measurements. and, although the conversations are temporarily therapeutic, i am never healed of anything. we all end up agreeing that it is far better to be who we are than to be beautiful and hollow. but i leave the conversation whispering to myself "but even still..."
i've read books and poetry and blogs and scriptures that assure me that REAL beauty is on the inside, and outshines the physical. but no one ever wrote a love song about a girl like me...
take, for example, James Blunt's absurdly famous song "you're beautiful." (for the record, this song makes me cringe.) Basically, he see's a girl on a subway or whatever, and she's stunning, but with some other guy. and from this one glance, his entire life changes. even though he's never said a word to her, never sees her again. he writes an entire song about how that moment will "last till the end." simply because of her beauty. RIDICULOUS.
i like to imagine that after he wrote the song, he ran into her again, and she had the voice of janice from Friends...and was completely ditzy and rude and shallow and HORRID. because it makes me feel better.
i'm not trying to come off as the bitter ugly chick. far from it. i just can't find a way to reconcile within myself...how do i overcome the part of me that feels worthless for lack of playboy standard "beauty?" i have friends who are stunning and picture perfect, who feel the same way i do...so it can't really be about the actual looks...then i have other friends who are far from supermodels, but ADORE themselves, inside and out...how'd they get that way?
and for those of you who are gorgeous and KNOW IT...is it all it's cracked up to be? is life really easier? are you more complete and content and happy?
and boys....do you ever deal with this stuff?
and for those of you who didn't bother reading any of the above because it was too wordy...here are some of the results when i googled "beautiful"
more thoughts to follow...