in the eye- part one

i've always been the smart girl. the talented girl with every solo and the leading roles. the girl with drive and determination. the girl you can count on, trust, and look to for fabulous advice. the girl with great shoes. the girl with great taste in music. the girl who's good with kids. the girl who will go far, who will change the world, or at least big parts of it.

but never, NEVER have i been the cute girl. the hot girl. the beautiful girl. the sexy, gorgeous, stunning girl.

and i'm divided about that. one half of me is an empowered woman, who wants nothing to do with the people who would say that i am less because i haven't owned the "pretty" title. this is the half that knows that looks fade away and then you're left with ugly AND boring. this is the half that is so glad i've got intelligence and compassion and that i'm gifted in a lot of ways.

the OTHER half, the one that is louder, would gladly hand over every talent, and nearly every brain cell IF ONLY i could be the girl that turns heads. this is the half that is secretly jealous of Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson because, stupid as they seem, they have so much power in their blond hair and long legs. and to be honest, this is the part that desperately longs to be one of the girls that boys love and chicks despise.

why is there such a divide? why does so much power exist in appearance...and why does power seem to slowly leak from my being when i'm near these beauties?

i've certainly done my best to rid myself of this. plenty of conversations with other women who, in all their glory, feel they don't quite measure up simply because of their measurements. and, although the conversations are temporarily therapeutic, i am never healed of anything. we all end up agreeing that it is far better to be who we are than to be beautiful and hollow. but i leave the conversation whispering to myself "but even still..."

i've read books and poetry and blogs and scriptures that assure me that REAL beauty is on the inside, and outshines the physical. but no one ever wrote a love song about a girl like me...
take, for example, James Blunt's absurdly famous song "you're beautiful." (for the record, this song makes me cringe.) Basically, he see's a girl on a subway or whatever, and she's stunning, but with some other guy. and from this one glance, his entire life changes. even though he's never said a word to her, never sees her again. he writes an entire song about how that moment will "last till the end." simply because of her beauty. RIDICULOUS.

i like to imagine that after he wrote the song, he ran into her again, and she had the voice of janice from Friends...and was completely ditzy and rude and shallow and HORRID. because it makes me feel better.

i'm not trying to come off as the bitter ugly chick. far from it. i just can't find a way to reconcile within myself...how do i overcome the part of me that feels worthless for lack of playboy standard "beauty?" i have friends who are stunning and picture perfect, who feel the same way i do...so it can't really be about the actual looks...then i have other friends who are far from supermodels, but ADORE themselves, inside and out...how'd they get that way?

and for those of you who are gorgeous and KNOW IT...is it all it's cracked up to be? is life really easier? are you more complete and content and happy?

and boys....do you ever deal with this stuff?

and for those of you who didn't bother reading any of the above because it was too wordy...here are some of the results when i googled "beautiful"






more thoughts to follow...

because i can

i.heart.taylor




thank you for your time

a new addition to the family AND the crisis of a lifetime

we weren't planning on getting a new car for another six weeks or so, but the mister's car broke down on the freeway on our way to the Laker game Wednesday, so we basically had no choice. originally we were looking only at 2003's, and if you know my mister, that makes perfect sense. but something happened today...the stars aligned or he was inhabited by aliens or something...because by the end of the day we purchased a brand new, zero miles 2006 Honda Civic (Motor Trend's car of the year, which is apparently a good thing.) i had been pretty intent on getting a jetta, but we heard an abundance of negative stuff about them, so that was that. here are some pics of the new car. we got it in "galaxy grey." if you're in the area, i'd love to give you a ride! there are some cool features i haven't seen in other cars (which doesn't mean much i guess). anyways, i love it.






Pay close attention to how awesome it is that the MPH is shown on a higher display. they said something like it's only a ten degree vision adjustment to look at the spedometer, rather than having to look all the way down to the steering wheel. something about being modeled after some kind of jet. i don't know. i just think it's cool.




Now for the crisis. and i better get a zillion comments of "oh my god, i can't imagine! how horrible" and the like, because this is about as bad as it gets.

so we're at the car lot, after having been to three HORRIBLE places earlier in the day. Finally, this lot has the exact car we want. the guy grabs the keys and hands them to me. this is my fourth test drive of the day. keep in mind i have a nearly SPOTLESS record. i climb in the car, and you know how car lots are SUPER crammed, well i'm trying to make a turn to get off the lot, and i realize i don't have enough room, so i back up a little to try again. i say "i don't think i've got space" and the car lot guy says "you're fine. go ahead" so i start to turn and HIT A METAL POST, which causes the back right tire to POP, actually POP immediately, and scrapes along the side of the car. we're talking a car with zero miles, still plastic on everything, fresh off the truck. so i start crying HYSTERICALLY, having NEVER HIT ANYTHING BEFORE IN MY LIFE (save that small bump into the handrail at work, which hardly counts). It takes me over two hours to stop crying, and i'm still shaking at this moment. the car lot guy that was helping us was super great about it, but later when we were working on buying the car we ended up with, some other dude came out of the office and was like "hey, you're the one that wrecked the car!" which brought on another bout of tears. this is like my biggest fear...i even asked the mister about this very type of situation this morning. so i don't know what's going to happen. they car lot folks assure me it's no big deal to repair and so on.... but i'm horrified.


you may now leave me words of comfort and acceptance. please don't tell me if you laughed out loud. i don't want to know.