Glimpses of Grace

my pantry challenge

2009-11-15T18:32:00.001-08:00

have you heard? apparently the times they are tough. the holidays are fast approaching and i've already declared that this will be a handmade christmas. which i'm actually pretty excited about, having finally found MY CRAFT. the one i don't screw up. the one which turns out nicely.

so for the next two weeks (excluding thanksgiving dinner, which will still be a very limited budget) i'm doing a self-imposed pantry challenge. creating meals solely from the food which already exists in my freezer/fridge/pantry. i will be buying milk as needed.

tonight i made a thorough inventory list, and started doing some searches on allrecipes.com using their "ingredient" feature. thankfully, my husband is way more excited about the not spending money decision, and feels completely happy to eat potentially mediocre meals for a few weeks.

over the next few weeks i'll post what meals i've come up with, how it went over with the family, and any useful tips/tricks i find online.

our pastor was talking today about the biblical principle of sowing against/during lack. God's word to his people during seasons of draught and famine has always been to SOW. Christians ought operate under a different economy, one that is not filled with fear or greed, but is always focused on Kingdom economics and faith in the bigger picture, not focused on "facts" of the present in our natural world.

i think that this pantry challenge will be a good reminder for me of how much we have, how little we need, and give me the opportunity to take a look at what i'm sowing into...why sow into a full pantry when i could sow into God's work in the community around me?

tonight's pantry meal, a personal favorite, spaghetti with a jar of sauce, some olives and canned corn, and an english muffin turned into garlic cheese bread.

(p.s the pantry above is identical to my pantry, except for the part where mine is nowhere near so lovely and organized. )

hiding from myself- a digital diary entry.

2009-07-20T23:55:00.000-07:00

sometimes i stop writing because i have nothing to say. or because i think no one wants to hear what i have to say. other times, like the last three months, i stop because i don't want to know what i have to say. i don't want to open myself up to my own thoughts. i'd rather ignore myself, as much as is possible.

i'm still in that mode...there has been a lot of life lately. the kind that is miserable and heartbreaking at the time, and absolutely necessary once you're down the road a bit and can look back. i hate where things are right now. but i hate it with hope, if that makes sense. (the WONDERFUL news in the midst of all this is that none of the misery has anything to do with kaia's health. we haven't been to the ER since May, which is BY FAR the longest stretch of health she's ever had in her nearly two years of living. PRAISE GOD.)

anyway, i'm being vague on purpose. don't intend to go any further in. except for this one thing:

several people have said the same thing to me recently, something that is without meaning or mal intention to the sayer, but that is deeply painful to me, though i can't quite explain WHY.

we're the first of our close friends to have kids. we have friends who want kids, friends who haven't decided whether or not kids are "for them" and friends who have tried and struggled and are now begining to look into adoption.

in the last few weeks, friends from each of these categories have commented (at separate times/occassions etc) that having seen ben and i have kaia has either confirmed their desire to NOT have kids, or has caused them to realize that maybe they don't want kids as soon as they thought, or maybe they wouldn't be so upset if they never had kids at all.

i know they are not saying that i'm a bad mother, or that kaia is a horrible child. i know that it most likely because the reality of our situation has been quite different then the rose colored glasses people tend to view parenting through prior to having their own children. i know that our parenting experience so far has not been anywhere near "the norm." most people aren't in the ER all the time. most people don't have to hear words like "epilepsy" "immune disorder" and "cancer" pertaining to their tiny child. most people don't have to hold their sweet baby down while needles and tubes violate their innocent little body. most people have family that will come, do dishes, take night shifts, let you leave the hospital for awhile.

and most people, i've found, aren't too open about how hard even the "regular" parenting stuff can be...how some days it just plain sucks. what you'll mostly hear is that parenting is "the greatest thing i've ever done" and that people "can't imagine life before the baby."

so it's no surprise to me that the level of transparency i chose to live in has provided the people around me with a different perspective. that it has caused them to wonder, to worry WHAT IF their kid wasn't "normal" either? to have a greater appreciation for adequate sleep, alone time with their spouse, the absence of astronomical medical bills, the good feelings that accompany professional success, the pleasure that can come with a two-income household. our friends are more grateful for their spontaneous weekend ventures.

i guess i have at least some sense as to why these things are being said to me. what i can't figure out is why it HURTS me so much to hear?? partially because i worry that my friends may decide that the risk of having MY parenting experience is too great...much greater than the joy and satisfaction that most people experience in their children. like, what if i'm scaring people away from something they've always wanted? what if people miss out on a wonderful part of life because they don't want to live like i do? i know this is a large part of why it hurts to hear.

but there's something else, something that feels DEEPER and more painful about it. something that i can only identify in my gut and not find the words for. i've been sitting here, hands on the keyboard, waiting for the understanding to come for 45 minutes now...and i've still got nothing. does it cause me to feel even more lonely and isolated? do i want to pretend that i'm not missing out on as much of "the good life" as may be the case? have i done something wrong in all of this? should i have kept it all to myself and maintained this ridiculous myth that parenting is all rainbows and butterfly kisses? maybe it causes me to face my supressed emotions of anger and confusion and resentment of our circumstances? that God would go out of his way to create a miracle in my belly that was never supposed to exist...only to have the miracle be so scary and difficult and lonely and always seemingly at risk of vanishing.

all things considered, i've thought i have done a decent job of weathering it all. of having at least some balance of joy. to not be consumed by it all, to be able to continue to function as at least a close version of myself. so maybe it hurts because i've been kidding myself? that the thought of living a life like mine is THAT horrible sounding to someone else?

now i'm going in circles.

to be clear, THIS IS NOT INTENDED AS A PITY PARTY, OR A SOLLICITATION FOR SYMPATHY. honestly, it's just easier to type it all than to try to write it in some sort of diary.

also, what am i supposed to say in response to such commentary from friends? do i apologize? do i try to convince them otherwise, to promise that their experience as parents would surely be much more simple and delightful? i just don't know how to feel about it, what to say. maybe i just wish there weren't constant reminders that this is not what we signed up for, that we never pictured our lives in this way...that we've struggled to understand or to reconcile all of it. sometimes i'd just like to be BREANNA...a grown up, a girl. a short vacation from all the other titles, all the "how's she doing?" questions. the looks that obviously scream "i'm so glad it's you and not me." the critical and judgemental looks about our decisions. the insincere "if there's anything i can do..." to just BE. to have a day of not being afraid, of wondering what's next, of pleading with God for a break, a quick respite.

writing this has reaffirmed my decision to NOT write. as much as i obviously needed to get it out of myself...as much as it's a partial relief to have said it...mostly i wish i wouldn't have acknowledged it at all.

(these are the days it hurts most that there's no family to call...no one to come and parent ME for a few minutes. the times when i go back to the same old stuff with God. stuff that should've been worked out by now. stuff that seems as if it may never get worked out after all. these days i wish for a daddy of my own.)

enjoy your eggs!

2009-04-12T23:12:00.000-07:00

i have something to say

2009-03-26T21:05:00.000-07:00

Jacob is 7 years old. he has autism, and a myriad of other difficulties. he experiences the world in ways no one else seems to understand. every day, jacob takes these two trash bins, HIS trash bins, and walks them around his neighborhood as many times as he can fit in. he takes them both, never just one. as he walks around the rocky roads, one or the other will regularly tip off to the side. jacob stops, lifts it upright, and continues on his way. never angry or frustrated. he keeps walking. all around the neighborhood, quietly wheeling the bins behind him.

i was spending the afternoon with jacob today as his foster mom needed a break. i can't fully explain why, but this parade of his two bins was incredibly touching to me. to watch him treat them so tenderly, so carefully. as if they were his two children, left solely in his care. he was very committed to getting them out to see the neighborhood, pausing to watch the horses or squirrels or to look at a creek. around and around the neighborhood. after about two hours of walking with him, it began to rain. i'm not sure jacob noticed at all. i let him know we needed to head back to the house until the rain stopped, and offered to take charge of one bin for him. as i wheeled it toward the house, jacob's free hand never left the side of it, as if to be a backup spotter should it topple over. as we approached the driveway, jacob wheeled the bins to their resting place, gently putting each precisely where it belonged. as we walked into the front door, he glanced back, to be sure they were as they should be.

this child is the target of teasing, rejection, namecalling. he is labeled with horrific words like "retarded" and "unreachable." and yet i see in him a level of intimate humanity i've rarely found. there is so much left to learn about autism. so many unanswered questions. countless families who struggle to make it through each day, to find the right help for their children, to try and parent them with love in the midst of being completely burned out.
one thing i'm sure of, though, is that the greatest disservice we could do to these children and ourselves is to ignore them or write them off. for the last six years i've worked directly with foster kids with developmental disabilities like autism. it's sickening the way these children are tossed from one home to another, label after label written into their records. medications shoved into their systems. rarely does anyone spend time with them to see who they are, past the diagnoses, past the outbursts and embarrassing tantrums.

each of these children is, in fact, created by God. and not just by God, but in his very image. they're not the exception to that rule, you know.

later, hours after i'd left jacob, i noticed myself rushing around, trying to get things done just to check them off the list. i remembered the care with which jacob wheeled his bins. that he felt such responsibility for them, and took that seriously. and cliche as it may sound, this "unreachable" child most certainly reached me.

this is what happens after 18 months of consistent sleep deprivation

2009-03-21T00:49:00.001-07:00

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/gotosleepkaia/

file this one under "i wish they were my grandparents"

2009-03-20T03:20:00.001-07:00

i mean, let's even pretend there was no recession...everyone was swimming in money. even then...WHO THE HECK IS BUYING THIS FOR THEIR CHILDREN?!?!?!
http://portland.craigslist.org/nco/bab/1082975729.html (go ahead, read the post)

we're famous! for all the wrong reasons....

2009-03-05T21:47:00.000-08:00

hi friends. this blog post is going to be serious, and it's going to be long. but i'm asking that you read it, read the article included, and leave some feedback, because i'm needing some outside perspective. thanks.

okay, so, i've talked a bit here about the difficulty we've experienced with my father-in-law since we left the Church of Christ. i've left out a tremendous amount of detail in an attempt to show respect to the family and the situation. however, there are things i need to share, even if no one reads it, after a recent string of events. i do want to aim to be respectful and loving throughout this situation, but it is emotionally charged and i recognize that i may not succeed in that goal.

the reason i'm writing this post is because an article has been printed in a nation-wide newspaper that is sent to all churches of christ. this article is about our family, by name, and largely about why my husband and i no longer attend a CoC. please read the article in the link below:
http://www.christianchronicle.org/pdf_archive/2009-03.pdf

okay. it's not that i disagree with the article, or am angry about it. i just feel like there are so many IMPORTANT details that weren't included. i totally understand that they couldn't include so many parts of the story for the simple fact that it's an article in a newspaper, not a biography of our family. but i do feel that i want to share some of the more important details, and this is the only forum i know of to do that.

it's true that ben and i left the CoC. this occurred after a long, painful experience in the church plant we had been working with for over four years. the primary issue was that the new preacher of the church claimed that i was "barren" (as you'll recall, until the moment we discovered we were pregnant, we had been told it would be impossible) because of unforgiven sin in my life. we tried for quite awhile to bring the elders of the supporting congregation and the other leaders of the church into the situation, and received no support, no response. it was after several months of trying to work things out biblically that we decided it was time for us to leave. it was never that we were leaving the CoC...we left that specific church. following that experience, we were deeply hurt and burned out on church, and didn't go for several months. when we started visiting churches again, we went to many CoC's before ever visiting the church we now attend. we prayed about the decision and talked about it at length. it was not a decision we made lightly, especially considering ben's lifelong background in CoC. but when we began visiting City Bible (where we are now members) we felt HOME. we felt filled and fed and ministered to. we could see it was the kind of place we wanted to raise our children. God made it very clear to us that THIS WAS OUR CHURCH. and it wasn't a CoC. i'll list just a few of the many reasons we were/are drawn to our church:
1. dynamic worship, heartfelt and passionate worship that leaves space for God to truly inhabit the praises of His people
2. a major focus on community, on "doing life" together. although it's a very large congregation, they emphasize and thrive on small group communities.
3. a strong children's program
4. sermons that are absolutely bible-focused, and delivered in a tangible, real life way that makes a difference in our day to day lives
5. tremendous emphasis on giving, supporting missionaries, planting churches, serving the community around us and meeting the needs of the members of the church
6. strong accountability for each member to take responsibility for the church and their own spiritual lives, rather than depending on a preacher/leadership to do 90% of the work
7. i couldn't begin to describe the quality of the character of the people in our church. i am constantly surrounded by incredible christians who are very tuned in to God's Spirit and leading, who are living the Word rather than simply KNOWING the Word. i am surrounded by people i aspire to be, and given full access into their lives, able to see how they live, how they struggle, how they seek God and my faith is built by seeing God work powerfully in and through them.

the only drawback of this decision was knowing that ben's parents would be upset about it. we expected that. ben's dad has been a faithful preacher for the CoC for a long time now, and their family is deeply rooted in it. we did not, however, anticipate the reaction we received. it's understandable that ben's dad would be passionate about his beliefs. it is not understandable, to me, that he would say things that seemed cruel and sometimes mean. i cannot understand how he could so separate himself from from the fact that BEN IS HIS SON, and is a good man of great character and integrity. where was the benefit of the doubt? where was the "agree to disagree." where was the atmosphere of unconditional love?

this has been going on nearly two years now. i have learned, at least a little, to turn off my emotional response to the comments we receive about our decision. i have learned to stay out of it, that it is something that should be dealt with between ben and his dad. it does not hurt me any less to see my husband disrespected by his father in this way. it does not hurt me any less to know that he believes we have left THE CHURCH, rather than "a church," and to read that he is "grieved" and doesn't feel "as close" to ben any longer is a new hurt since seeing the article.

the one thing about that article that i was displeased with was that it failed to fulfill it's premise. the article, we were told, was to be about WHY some in our generation are leaving the CoC. but i saw NOTHING in the article that sufficiently addressed our reasoning. it seemed to me to be more about ben's dad, his feelings about us leaving, and all the things he had done "right" that should've kept us there.

so this is my response. we did not leave the CoC as a whole for any real reason. but there are VERY real reasons that we would never return. Namely the judgement, condemnation and rejection we have experienced from those who ought to be CLOSEST to us, who should know our hearts and see that our lives are absolutely godly and christlike. that we have been labeled and written off, to a degree, not because we've become non-christians or are living in sin, but because the sign in front of our church simply says "CITY BIBLE CHURCH" rather than "CHURCH OF CHRIST." i cannot understand why the church sign carries more weight than the lives we are living, the good things we are doing for the Kingdom. i cannot understand the one-sidedness of the conversations that have occurred, with no regard to hearing what we have to say, only wanting to be heard.
now, the majority of those things SHOULD NOT have been included in the article. i get that. but now that a whole community of people will read ABOUT US, i wanted our perspective to be heard. i sincerely didn't think anyone we knew would ever even see it, and i don't mind if they do. but it was just released yesterday, and already people are contacting us to say they've seen it. i just feel like there should be a more complete story available. the article may portray that our family experiences a lot of drama and difficulty as a result of our decision. this is not at all the case. the things that have gone on have been very quiet, sometimes unacknowledged. the end of the article says that we all came together for tim's wedding despite our differences, as if we there were any other option. let me be clear. there is a TREMENDOUS amount of love in this family. we ADORE our time together, and wish we had a lot more of it. there is no drama, no feuding. sure, my feelings are hurt, and it's been made clear that ben's dad is unhappy and unapproving of our decision. but these are not things that permiate every interaction, every family holiday or chat on the phone. had it not been for the article, i'd have left it all unsaid and felt fine about that.

we do not hate the CoC. we do not reject it. we don't think it's wrong. we're not angry at it. we feel love and community with any who follow Christ and the Word. the problem in this story is that we're not receiving the same amount of grace for making the decision God clearly led us to, for living as Christ-followers and doers of the Word.

one last thing, the author of the article has also written a blog post about it.
http://bobbyrossjr.com/2009/03/05/the-shrinking-church-why-some-leave-and-some-stay/
feel free to read it, and to leave comments if you have them. if, for some reason, you have strong feelings about any part of this situation, please be intentional about leaving comments in a loving and respectful manner. i know that some of my close friends are upset about the situation as a whole, and i am grateful that they would defend and protect me. but this is not the forum for such a response. i'd honestly like to see a productive conversation happen there about the REAL issue the article brought up....why are so many in our generation leaving the CoC? and what can be done about it?

things are getting funner-er

2009-03-02T11:59:00.000-08:00

i can just about promise that this will be the best 40 seconds of your day.

hijinx at 30,000 feet

2009-02-15T22:09:00.000-08:00

hello there friends. remember me? i'll admit i've gotten distracted with my 365 blog and ALL THE OTHER THINGS GOING ON IN MY LIFE and have neglected to enrich your lives with my profound and hilarious musings.

so, i'm back in full force with an action packed, suspense filled story.

have i ever told you about the time my flight was hijacked? no, i'm being serious. it was my freshman year of college and i was on my way back to portland after being home for christmas break. i took a late flight out of LAX. the flight was fairly empty. i had a row to myself and was cozied up with a crappy airplane pillow and blanket. about thirty minutes into the flight, we felt the airplane start to turn. i looked out the window and could see us going back the other direction. the pilot came on the speaker and said something about needing to make an emergency landing back in LAX. there was no mention of the reason. we heard muffled commotion from the front of the plane. i was near the wing, so i really couldn't make out anything being said, but people started to really panic all over the plane. we all felt like something was REALLY wrong. i did the only thing i could think to do to try to calm down...i started humming and then singing to myself.

as we approached the airport, we could see dozens of vehicles with flashing lights...cop cars, fire trucks, ambulances, other "official" things i couldn't possibly name. the landing was horribly trecherous. as soon as we started to come to a stop, all the flashing lights and sirens rushed in. some sort of airport FBI dudes (or whoever it would be) came quickly on to the plane and rushed all of us out and immediately into this secret room in the airport. we had no idea what was going on. we sat in that room for several hours, not knowing what was happening. we were all hypothesizing about it, and coming up with increasingly scary potential causes.

at some point, officers came in and spoke with each of us about what we had seen or heard. they took statements from us, which was silly considering we hadn't a hint of what really went on. hours later they sent a representative to explain that some guy had tried to hijack the plane (this was just a few years before 9/11) and one of the pilots was able to somehow restrain him, but that we had to return to LAX because it was closer than continuing on to portland.

anyway, they put us on another flight in the early morning of the next day. and that was that.

i tell you this story to say something that is belated but necessary.

that guy that's trying to sue the airline for the "miracle on the hudsen" thing...i want to kick his jewels. HOW DARE HE?!? he should be licking the feet of that pilot, and writing a bucket list and righting all his wrongs. it's sickening to me that he has such selfish disrespect and lack of gratitude to try and make the situation ABOUT HIM. i didn't receive any kind of compensation. no free flight or money for damages suffered. and it never would have occurred to me to want it. i was SO GRATEFUL for the pilots who handled the situation so well and kept us all safe. i felt indebted to them, not OWED.

and there you have it. one of my best stories.

what's the scariest thing that's ever happened to you?

the croup

2009-01-18T15:07:00.001-08:00

although we're not pet people, we've got a little baby seal living with us presently. see, as it turns out, the croup isn't just for anne of green gables. apparently, it's alive and (not-so) well today. the poor dear is miserable, all sneezy and gooey and barky. we're becoming bff's with our local ER.

let's check the list so far:
pneumonia x 2
bronchiolitis
rsv
immunde disorder
roseola
thrush
every food allergy known to man
possible catatonic seizures (this is new)
possible cancer (but test results have been good on this so far)

not to mention your run-of-the-mill ear infections, teething misery, colds and whatever else i'm too sleep deprived to remember.

and she's only 16 months. i'm officially fed up. and if i've said that before, then i'm official MORE fed up. and tired. profoundly tired.

HOWEVER i'm also keenly aware of how blessed we are to have a sweet and particularly gorgeous little girl to cuddle.

so, i'm making a gratitude list today. because otherwise i'll just keep crying.

1. we have the single greatest pediatrician of all time
2. we have been blessed with incredibly gentle and friendly ER staff each and every time we've been there
3. we have insurance coverage. it isn't spectacular, but it's there
4. last night, while in the ER, we got to overhear some REALLY amusing conversation between the staff and a guy that was brought in because he was super duper drunk.
5. so far, a lot of the most terrifying things have turned out to be less terrifying things.
6. although it's a struggle, we're able to survive mostly on ben's income. so i don't have to get a paper route at 4am to get us by each month.
7. blues clues. i am eternally grateful for blues clues. i'm also eternally grateful that i thought to put some episodes on my ipod. this makes ER visits and painful testing more bearable for her.
8. kaia is filled with grace. even after the most painful of tests, she'll wave at the person poking at her when they leave the room. also, she keeps loving us, even though we're the ones holding her down for all this mess
9. although i don't presently feel it, there is a lot of hope. answers SURELY exist, and i'm determined to find them.
10. my husband lets me sleep in on almost every saturday. he's not really (in any way) romantic, but today i said to him "sleep is the only romance i'm interested in at this point in my life" and i really meant it. i'd take an hour of napping over jewelry or chocolate or cute new shoes any day. (although i reserve the right to retract that statement in the future, once sleep exhists more regularly again).

best youtube of 2009

2009-01-15T22:54:00.000-08:00

friends, i know i post videos here that i think are awesome for whatever reason, and sure, you might not find them so thrilling. perhaps you've given up on my ability to post a good video, who knows.

GIVE ME THIS ONE LAST CHANCE.

because, i promise, it's going to be SO worth two and a half minutes of your life. or your money back.

shameless self promotion

2009-01-04T14:25:00.000-08:00

you know how i have that one other blog which has been about twelve different things? well, for the next 365 days, it will be the home of my 365 photo project.

you've likely seen or heard of this project before. participants commit to take one picture per day for one full year, and post them on a blog or flikr or some such site. i've seen other 365s and been pretty interested. a lot of participants say it's a really interesting and revealing thing for the photographer to experience.

anyway, i like the idea, and so i've started it. and i'm just letting you know in case you want to see it from time to time, or better yet, join me and do your own 365. if you do, let me know so i can link to you!

www.simplediscoveries.blogspot.com

last post of 2008

2008-12-31T23:23:00.001-08:00

it's 11:23pm presently. i'm having the most UNremarkable new year's eve of all time. which makes me feel altogether pathetic. i'm having flashbacks to past new year's eves...there hasn't been a great one in several years, but there HAVE been great ones. and the girl who has great new year's eves is still inside me. she's just sleep deprived with dish pan hands at the moment.

anyway.

i'm almost completely opposed to new year's resolutions. i think i've made that clear in the past. but for fun, i thought i'd create some for myself this year, just with my own twist that won't make me a hypocrite.

1. i resolve to create a design that goes to print on http://www.threadless.com/ (have you been to this site? for some reason i'm entirely obsessed with it lately)

2. i resolve to wear earrings at least once per week

3. i resolve to find a politcal podcast to subscribe AND listen to

4. i resolve to get more use out of all my beautiful high heels

5. i resolve to continue my love and pursuit of travel mugs

6. i resolve to stop having feelings over who reads my blog, or how often i blog. as if anyone's thinking to themselves "man, it's been like, FOUR DAYS since breanna posted. i'm really upset about that. why isn't she considering my feelings?"

7. because my husband just suggested that you would laugh at this one, i resolve to do one push up every day for the next year. (i don't personally find that funny, but who knows, you just might)

8. i resolve to refuse to buy any lotion or bodywash until i've exhausted my extensive pre-baby collection beneath my sink.

9. i resolve to not care even a little if i never do a single one of these. because, as you'll recall, i despise new year's resolutions.

10. although, i'm actually quite pleased with this list.

stay tuned. at some point, i'll be sharing some ridiculous stories from the last few weeks with you.

and i'll FINALLY respond to Corine's tagging!

cheers to your years friends. hope you had a great midnight kiss. it's 11:35 now, and i'm going to bed. (told you so. pathetic)

merry christmas!

2008-12-22T21:11:00.001-08:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

(one of those posts where something was profound to me that sounds cliche to everyone else)

2008-12-19T20:35:00.000-08:00

i connected with mary tonight. THE mary. like, mother of jesus mary. no kidding.

i'll set the scene for you: portland is having crazy snow days (see last post), so it's super white and glowy outside. my fella's out playing poker with the dudes tonight (shocking, i know) so i'm here with the little one. i was rocking her to sleep tonight (yes, i still do that. so what. i love it.) the curtains were drawn and i could see snow falling. i always sing to her while we rock, and tonight i decided it made perfect sense to sing a christmas song. the only lullaby-ish one i could think of was silent night.

so i'm singing it, you know the words. "silent night" check. "holy night" sure. "all is calm, all is bright" indeed it is. "round yon virgin." tricky. round, yes. yon....maybe? virgin? hahaha. "mother and child" go on... "holy infant" okay, she may not be HOLY, but she is my miracle. have you heard that story? i'll tell you sometime. so, holy will work. "tender and mild" 3am this morning NOTHING felt tender or mild. but generally speaking, yes. "sleep in heavenly peeeeeeeeeeeeace. sleep in heavenly peace." well, that's what we beg for each and every night.

anyway, at that point, my brain started swirling with thoughts of (the) mary, and how i'd never really considered any of the days between the manger and just before the cross. i imagined mary holding jesus at 2am. i imagined jesus hooked up to a breathing machine (okay, not realistic, but i was making connections) and mary feeling entirely helpless. i imagined all of jesus' diaper blowouts, the times he bit her so hard she bled. the days she felt like hopping on a donkey and getting the heck out of town. jesus was perfect, but mary was A MOTHER.

then i started thinking about the pressure. OH THE PRESSURE of being mom to the SAVIOR of the world. this is bigger than deciding to vaccinate or not, when to start solid foods or what type of diapers to use. this is a tremendous responsibility. imagine how scary it was every time little j got a cold. just imagine. what about the discipline? are you allowed to spank jesus?! at what point do you wonder if he'll say "don't you know who i am?!?!"

wow, mary. tough gig.

but also? AWESOME GIG MARY. i mean, you're the woman behind the man! what if jesus had been married and (the) mary was your mother-in-law!! it's hard living up to my MIL's cooking and supreme kindness...but (the) mary??? yikes. you'd really have to be on your game at christmas! being jesus' mom is big time bragging rights! "oh, little johnny just graduated from bethleham university with honors!" "how lovely. JESUS SAVED ALL OF MANKIND." mary would have crazy book deals these days. she'd be bigger than oprah. way-to-go mary!

and i said to myself, kaia is not jesus. she is no one's savior. but, who knows what God will do with her? who knows what tremendous things she may do. considering the phenomenal role models she has in our friends, i wouldn't be shocked by any amount of greatness from her. i'm not sure of the conclusion i came to...maybe that, if (the) mary could do it, so could i? maybe that this particular phase of parenting is really quite small and quick? maybe....maybe that there is a bit, or a lot, of (the) mary in every mother? our job is no less important than hers was...is it?
maybe i was just enjoying seeing jesus in a new way? as a child who pulled mommy's hair, chewed on the cabinets and refused to sleep. something about that makes me feel better about...everything.

maybe there is no conclusion.

snow days abound

2008-12-18T21:29:00.000-08:00

say what you will about miserable driving conditions and unprepared towns shutting down. i for one am LOVING these portland snow days. my fella is home, which means (in addition to great quality family time, of course) i get to take some naps and share some house duties. i wish he could be home EVERYDAY!!

he, however, does not feel quite so stoked about the situation. as it turns out, he's going stir crazy...cabin fever they say? he's on the fence between nuts and cuckoo, and cuckoo is winning. it seems that, despite his self proclaimed "homebody-idness" (my word, not his.) he desperately needs to leave the house on a very regular basis. like, at least once per day.

and, if you ask me, he's also realizing with a little more clarity that being a stay at home parent is not quite the luxury it seems to be to some office-going folk. hmph. that's all i have to say about that.

the only downside to the "arctic blast," as they're calling it, is that i'm way behind on getting my christmas cards out and my humble gifts made and delivered. this=frustrating, but oh well.
best part? fun snow pictures!! enjoy!

wordless wednesday-what fun it is to ride and sing a slaying song tonight!

2008-12-10T14:58:00.000-08:00

how do you ask a one year old for forgiveness?

2008-12-01T16:10:00.001-08:00

it was bound to happen, you'll likely say. even still.

it's been a long day for both of us. needles and exams for the sweet one, and the accompanying agony for mommy. i was low on patience. i tried to right myself with prayer while she napped. then, this afternoon, i was trying to get things done around the house and she got into some glue. gorrilla glue, to be exact. i grabbed her immediately, but she already had it on her hands and had shmeared some on her face. i sped to the bathroom to wash it off with warm soap and water. gorrilla glue, as you can imagine, is really rather....gluey. so it was taking some serious scrub power. this did not make the girl very happy with her mommy.

when kaia gets angry she goes for the glasses first. not that they're any kind of fancy or expensive. but they're the only ones i've got. she also grabs them about a hundred times a day just because she can. this drives me batty because i'm constantly having to clean the smudgy fingerprints off the lenses.

so, there we are, sticky girl and smudgy glasses mommy. as she grabbed my glasses i belted out "NOOOO." this resulted in the most tragic looking face i've ever seen in my life, followed by an awful "i thought you loved meeeee!" cry. i felt awful. and by awful, i mean absolutely evil.

i grew up with intense yelling (among other transgressions) each and every day. one of the things that drew me to my husband was how very peaceful and mellow he is. i have an iron clad commitment to having a peaceful home, and a parenting style that excludes yelling. i know, it's an ideal goal in an un-ideal world. but still.

so, once the glue was dissolved from her skin, and my glasses were relatively clean again, the reality of my response hit me. by this time, she had long moved on from the momentary lapse in my character. I sat down with her and said "kaia, mommy should NOT have yelled at you. that was not a loving or kind thing to do. i'm very sorry." it was heartfelt and sincere as i'll get out. she had absolutely no response. then i said "do you want to watch blue's clues?" at which point she gleefully clapped and smiled. i thought "great job mom. you promised no t.v until she's three, and no yelling, now look at you!"

so, when a one year old can't offer forgiveness except by forgetting the incident altogether, how do you reconcile your wrongdoings?

wordless wednesday- happy thanksgiving!

2008-11-26T15:55:00.000-08:00

image credit: norman rockwell

belated wordless wednesday-after running my first 5k!!!

2008-11-20T14:34:00.000-08:00

to my "distant friend"

2008-11-17T17:35:00.000-08:00

something funny happened today. after a long and lonely day of cleaning and re-cleaning, failing miserably to soothe my teething daughter (4 molars at once? seriously?) and trying to process the test results that have come back (more on that another day) and what my life will look like for the next several years, i was stopped in my tracks by a mysterious purple envelope.

you know the one.

what followed was about thirty minutes of re-reading your words, and that kind of cry where it sounds like you're hyperventilating. i am completely astounded, and without words really. can 'thank you' REALLY be enough?

the world feels so small tonight. and God feels so big. and you have caused me to feel heard, and cared for, and not so alone. there is a very firm hug swelling in my arms that belongs to you. those sentances, the sentiments, the selfless-ness of it all...i am...? blessed? honored? HUMBLED.

i will do exactly as you said, and since i think i can guess the "friend" you mentioned, i'll be sure to send one just for you. but also? i'm promising you that i'm going to pay this forward, in whatever way i can figure out.

so, distant friend, thank you. my hope is that you are ready for the level of blessing God is about to pour over you (at least, in part, a result of my fervent pleading) for the kindness you've shown.

and now, a message from kaia:

in case it's a little unclear, she blows a kiss, then signs thank you. it may look the same to you, but i can totally tell the difference!

xoxo
breanna

not so wordless wednesday

2008-11-12T12:00:00.000-08:00

a friend of mine took me on a mystery girl date last night to see ingrid michaelson, who i LOVE. this guy named david ford opened for her. i'd never heard of him, but was blown away.

i desperately want you to go watch this video. he did this song last night, live, flawless. it's the same as the video, except each instrument was spread around the stage, and he was literally running to each one. i was breathless.

this is the best sound quality of all the videos of the song and, as luck would have it, the only one i can't embed on the blog, so you'll have to clicky.

WARNING: it does definitely contain STRONG language. so if that's an issue for you, don't clicky after all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv4QBRS-U50
(BSC, i'm thinking you're the most likely to appreciate this)

wordless wednesday- fall perfection

2008-11-05T22:44:00.000-08:00

gratitude in tough times

2008-11-01T22:59:00.000-07:00

it's been a very difficult 13 months for us since kaia was born. i've told you bits and pieces along the way about kaia's health problems, but there's been a lot more that's gone unreported. the longest kaia has been healthy throughout her entire life is six weeks. JUST SIX WEEKS. and it's not any one thing, it's LOADS of things. pneumonia, roseola, ear infection, bronchiolitis, thrush, about eight zillion colds and so on. last week we found ourselves in the ER because kaia wasn't breathing well. they gave her steroids, put her on a breathing machine and shoved tubes in her nose. in and out of the hospital since then, with a breathing machine delivered to our home. thursday they drew oodles of her blood (a horrifyig experience) to begin testing for immune disorders and a slew of other scary things.

i'll be honest. i'm not doing super awesome with all this. i'm tired, i'm drained and i'm terrified. it's difficult to keep my imagination in check. what if all of this is coming from some awful underlying problem? what if we're one of "those families" with a terminally ill child who practically live in hospitals? WHAT IF WE LOSE HER??? not having answers is just about the worst part. not knowing how to help her, not knowing where it's all coming from, not knowing when/if it will stop. because we don't know a lot about her current illness, her doctor has advised that we not be around other people, especially children. this, combined with the fact that we have no family nearby, has led me to feel intensly lonely and isolated. not going to our weekly playdates and various playgroups means that i'm not getting time to talk with other moms, processing all of this with women who can be sympathetic and compassionate. it means that EVERY SINGLE DAY is comprised of being with a precious child who has been fully entrusted into my care...who i can't heal. i am face-to-face with all my weaknesses, failures and shortcomings at a time when those things impact the life and well being of my sweet baby girl. the days are long and intense. i'm just not sure i'm cut out for it.

throughout my life i've looked to my friends to serve as the family i lacked. this last year i have been even more grateful for those people in my life who have become my chosen family. the people that will pray for kaia and for our little family. the people who call or text to see how the day is going, if her breathing has improved since yesterday. the people who make a point of remembering the exact time of her next medical appointment or procedure. there aren't a lot of these people in our lives, but i know that i can call them any time of day. i know that when they say they're going to pray, THEY'LL PRAY without ceasing. they'll come and just sit with me, watching television and drinking wine and talking or not talking, when there are plenty of other places they could be having fun.

i am thoroughly grateful for these friends of mine. as hard as these 13 months have been, i'm convinced they would've been infinitely more difficult without the support and love of our close friends. so, thanks friends...for bringing ice cream or coffee or dvd's or lunch to the ER. thanks for the text messages and words of hope. thanks for loving us through these times.

last thing (i promise)- since kaia can't be around people right now, we couldn't do anything with her for halloween. this was particularly sad because she had picked out (ie started chewing on in the store) a super cute halloween outfit. so, we used a coupon for a free professional portrait to have a record of this holiday, and i'm sharing it with you so that SOMEONE will have seen them and uttered "how cute" or "awww." we couldn't afford to buy any, so the pictures have that watermark thing because i just lifted them from the website.

wordless wednesday- just monkeying around

2008-10-29T10:06:00.000-07:00

wordless wednesday-(the return of the camera) it's corny, but sharing IS caring!

2008-10-22T20:39:00.000-07:00

Fall Drive By- Front Porches

2008-10-20T15:08:00.000-07:00

i've found a lot of fun new blogs to follow lately. melissa over at http://www.theinspiredroom.net/ has great decorating tips and inspiration.

she asked readers to join her in a fall "drive by" and capture festive porches around town. i took the wee one and headed out this morning to see what i could find. she didn't last long strapped into the car seat, but here's what i captured: (i rotated the pics in photobucket, so if they're still on their sides...well i don't know how to fix it!)

grab a camera and head out into your neighborhood! when you post your fall drive by pics, you can put a link to your blog at melissa's site. leave me a comment if you participate!

Are you a Resourceful Mommy?

2008-10-16T18:24:00.000-07:00

i'm working on it...there are a lot of things i'm doing to move closer towards the title, the most fun of which is following http://www.resourcefulmommy.blogspot.com/. It's a super cool blog with all kinds of goodies each day. i also follow her on twitter (do you twitter? you should!) and she certainly keeps me entertained throughou the day!

best thing is, she's having a radical "site warming' party RIGHT NOW (ends soon) with all kinds of giveaways and such. SO GO OVER THERE, get yourself signed up and cross your fingers! you can thank me later!

Blog Action Day 2008: Poverty

2008-10-14T22:21:00.000-07:00

I'm joining nearly 10,000 other bloggers, video and podcasters to spark conversation and awareness of poverty today. there are no rules or guidelines.

my brain is going a lot of directions. the poverty i saw in africa...the poverty i saw in russia...the poverty i've seen in america through my work with foster kids...

i don't know about anyone else, but i'm feeling overwhelmed lately. overwhelmed with information, overwhelmed with "facts" and opinions, overwhelmed with the images and stories of children and families who live a world away from me. i tend to shut down when i get this overwhelmed. i tend to ignore everything coming at me. i feel like, if i can't fix everything, i don't want to think about it. i just don't know where to start, where to invest my time and resources.

but we can't shut down. we can't ignore. those of you who have read my blog for very long know that i'm pretty straightforward about my limited knowledge/understanding about political things, and i don't know how to separate poverty from politics. i don't have solutions, i don't have brilliant insights into the current state of things. but i know that, at the very least, we have to start SEEING what's going on, and taking some responsibility for the small things we CAN do in our communities, our social circles. there are needs very close to home, and i think each of us can commit to being more aware of where we can bless others. (i know, it sounds so cliche.)

there's a resource i use when i train parents called "the state of the village." it's a very effective tool to give people perspective on what's going on in the world around us. it's a little longer than what i would normally post, but i'm sharing it here because it's a very humbling look at how RICH we really are.

State of the Village Report
If the world were a village of 1000 people:
584 would be Asians
123 would be Africans
95 would be East and West Europeans
84 Latin Americans
55 Soviets (still including for the moment Lithuanians, Latvians, Estonians, etc.)
52 North Americans
6 Australians and New Zealanders

The people of the village would have considerable difficulty communicating:
165 people would speak Mandarin
86 would speak English
83 Hindi/Urdu
64 Spanish
58 Russian
37 Arabic
That list accounts for the mother-tongues of only half the villagers. The other half speak (in descending order of frequency) Bengali, Portuguese, Indonesian, Japanese, German, French, and 200 other languages.

In the village there would be:
300 Christians (183 Catholics, 84 Protestants, 33 Orthodox)
175 Moslems
128 Hindus
55 Buddhists
47 Animists
210 all other religons (including atheists)

One-third (330) of the people in the village would be children. Half the children would be immunized against the preventable infectious diseases such as measles and polio.
Sixty of the thousand villagers would be over the age of 65.
Just under half of the married women would have access to and be using modern contraceptives.
Each year 28 babies would be born.
Each year 10 people would die, three of them for lack of food, one from cancer. Two of the deaths would be to babies born within the year.
One person in the village would be infected with the HIV virus; that person would most likely not yet have developed a full-blown case of AIDS.

In this thousand-person community, 200 people would receive three-fourths of the income; another 200 would receive only 2% of the income.

Only 70 people would own an automobile (some of them more than one automobile).
About one-third would not have access to clean, safe drinking water.
Of the 670 adults in the village half would be illiterate.

If the world were a village of 1000 persons, there would be five soldiers, seven teachers, one doctor. Of the village's total annual expenditures of just over $3 million per year, $181,000 would go for weapons and warfare, $159,000 for education, $132,000 for health care.

The village would have buried beneath it enough explosive power in nuclear weapons to blow itself to smithereens many times over. These weapons would be under the control of just 100 of the people. The other 900 people would be watching them with deep anxiety, wondering whether the 100 can learn to get along together, and if they do, whether they might set off the weapons anyway through inattention or technical bungling, and if they ever decide to dismantle the weapons, where in the village they will dispose of the dangerous radioactive materials of which the weapons are made.
Copyright Sustainability InstituteThis article from The Donella Meadows Archive is available for use in research, teaching, and private study. For other uses, please contact Diana Wright, Sustainability Institute, 3 Linden Road, Hartland, VT 05048, (802) 436-1277.

change you can count on!

2008-10-09T20:26:00.000-07:00

wordless wednesday- my camera's broken, so we're doing old pics until it's fixed...this is when kaia lived in my belly

2008-10-07T13:30:00.001-07:00

fun announcement

2008-10-02T11:57:00.000-07:00

i told you last week that i want to work more on writing, and i quickly found an opportunity! today i am the guest poster at a super fun and informative website called "from dates to diapers." the article is called "identity theft." please do me a solid and head over to read it! i'm most excited to read the comments her visitors leave...

wordless wednesday- uber retro

2008-10-01T13:00:00.000-07:00

i'm registered...how about you?

2008-09-30T19:37:00.000-07:00

also, stayed tune for an exciting (for me) announcement thursday!

wordless wednesday- waiting for papa to come home

2008-09-24T13:56:00.000-07:00

a new season

2008-09-23T18:51:00.000-07:00

as i write this there is stuffed acorn squash baking in my oven, the dishwasher is running, every article of clothing not currently being worn by someone in my house is clean and i'm using a cozy snuggling blanket. i am SO ready for fall.

i, like many others, find myself making resolutions and new goals when the seasons change. i feel the most motivated and resourceful at the start of fall. i love transitioning into warm sweaters and coats, putting boots with my skirts instead of peep toe wedges. i love using the fire place and offering guests hot cocoa with marshmallows. i LOVE fall.

i'm also feeling better in general. presently, kaia's on a pretty regular sleep/nap schedule, which is the greatest thing ever. i'm doing a better job of keeping the house clean and tidy, and cooking meals for our family which we enjoy. i'm feeling more plugged in at church (although nowhere near where i'd like to be) and have some potentially awesome opportunities just ahead. (and, let's be honest here, i finally spoke to my dr about anti depressants again, which are starting to make a difference in my mood and thinking.)

i sure don't have it all figured out. i still don't know when i want to go back to school, or even what i want to go back for. i used to have such a clear cut plan for everything. now i'm almost completely unsure of what my life will look like 5 years from now. i just don't know that i want to do what i've always planned on doing. i'm not going to be shocked if i go an entirely different direction. the hardest part is that i can't figure out how to figure it out.

here's what i've resolved/decided for the short term:
1. i'm going to get out and run again. it's been 2 months since i did the Run Like a Girl 10k, and i haven't run once since that day. so i'm working towards a much more reasonable 5k mid october
2. i'm going to blog more. and i say that realizing that almost no one reads my blog. i'm okay with that (i think). but i really enjoy writing and i'd like to work on my writing skills. i'd like to eventually write articles for websites and blogs relevent to me. my husband thinks i'll write books someday. that's harder to picture.
3. i finally took a step toward my ultimate dream. i auditioned for the worship team at church. i have no idea what will come of it or when, but i'm excited. our church is certainly anointed with a strong worship ministry, and i'd love to be a part of it in any way i can. i should find out the results within a few weeks.
4. this is a small one: there's a group of bloggers who do "wordless wednesday" posts that only have a title and a photo or two. i've really enjoyed seeing other people's wordless posts. so i'm going to join in and start wordless wednesdays.

are you feeling it too? have you been cooking up goals and renewed energy? what are you working on lately?

365 days of change

2008-09-15T11:56:00.000-07:00

my little sweet turned one yesterday! all of last week was an emotional rollercoaster and i was a bit worried i'd be a heap of tears yesterday. thankfully, and possibly because i was so busy with party details, the day went superbly with almost no tears or sadness whatsoever on my part. we had so much fun, and kaia was a lovely party girl, showing off her tricks to all the guests.

here's what i get to see every morning, afternoon and night:

not too terrible huh?

in no way posed

2008-09-09T12:37:00.000-07:00

in many ways applicable

a little hope

2008-08-28T22:19:00.000-07:00

first, let's remind ourselves about how breanna is NOT deep into politics, not politically saavy, not highly educated in politics. i'm still a young'un about all this. and this is my blog, where i say what i'm thinking presently. and i may change my mind. and i may be wrong. and all of that is fine. and i'm perfectly comfortable for you to disagree with me, and to do so in a comment even. but please, be kind about it. people sure are getting heated lately, and i can see why. but not here, okay?

i'm watching parts of the democratic convention. i've never seen a convention before, and you can be sure i'll watch parts of the republican convention next week too. i've also been listening to radio shows discussing all this, and more from a republican point of view. so i've heard a lot of the concerns about obama. i don't understand what they all mean. the one i'm hearing the most is "lack of experience."

as i'm watching this convention, i'm just thinking through that. here's what i know: for the last eight years, something hasn't been working right. things are never perfect, of course, but this? yikes. i think change is a great idea. and this big concern about experience...it's just that, experience has been in the white house for a long time...but for the first time in what seems (to me) like a long time, HOPE has a chance of moving in.

and maybe, maybe it's okay for experience to not be at the forefront for a little bit...maybe our country DESPERATELY NEEDS HOPE at this point. maybe we do need to just FEEL like things are getting better, like it's going to be okay. maybe a sense of hope in each of us would make a much bigger difference in our country than many would admit. we've got loads of experience in the system of check and balances...experience in the vp candidate....but when have we had a candidate who can speak hope and optimism into our lives, into the heartbeat of the country itself?

i know, feelings and sentiments do not run a country....we can't make such big decisions based on emotions. but i think it counts for a whole lot of something. i'm still learning, practically ignorant i'm sure. but when i think about someone leading any group of people, when i think about my teachers and coaches and bosses, one of the most profound and effective traits of the successful ones was their ability to empower me, to believe in myself, to communicate their vision for me and their confidence in my ability to do it. sure, they also had to resolve conflicts, manage budgets, attend meetings. but those who were most effective were the ones who could get me on board through inspiration.

i guess i'm just a bit bored with those who oppose obama acting as if his oustanding oratory (oration? orating?) skills are unimportant, or should count against him. i sincerely don't think it's smoke and mirrors. i think there's more than hype when a crowd of gazillions...from all backgrounds, shouts in unison "YES WE CAN!" there's something deep and powerful there.

again, please feel free to share your thoughts, and even to say i don't have a clue what i'm talking about...just do it respectfully, and preferably with wit.

let's be clear

2008-08-26T21:51:00.000-07:00

i did not find this on my own accord. i found it whilst blurking www.ashleyquitefrankly.com (which is lot of fun, if you don't mind a potty mouth).

today she gave us lots of links, and i'm bored, so i was parusing. i was definitely captivated by this: http://www.flickr.com/photos/michael_hughes/sets/346406/show/ and so, because you're all so lovely and grande, i just knew i should share it.

whaddya think? is it as awesome to you as it is to me? i'm seriously impressed.

hey there, general public...

2008-07-28T21:36:00.000-07:00

i had this super awesome idea about how you should take your two small children and cross in the middle of a busy street. cause that's a smart thing to do.

and, while you're at it, how about if you smoke while you're driving with your sweet, innocent children in the car with the windows mostly up.

then, what the heck, go ahead and fill your baby's bottle with orange cola.

have i mentioned the part where i just loooove people?

one the plus side, here's a photo i took of my sweet girl today (who, by the way, has never been yanked across the freeway or smoked out in my car or suckled on fanta)

it's been awhile

2008-07-07T11:03:00.001-07:00

since i've shared any new obsessions with you, or attempted to expose you to new and fantastic music. today's the day my friends. i can't get enough of this guy. so much so that i sent him a ridiculously detailed email about my appreciation of his music (and his beard, let's be honest). he wrote back though, so i feel less embarassed about it now.

anyhow, here he is. perfectly wonderful. most raw talent i've seen in a really long time. (this video had the best sound quality, so you'll have to excuse the random intro.)

ch ch ch changes

2008-06-13T23:17:00.000-07:00

someone, tell me when i'll find my new normal. someone tell me there IS a normal to be found? why is this identity crisis lingering for so long? why does having a baby and (mostly) leaving the workforce completely change my understanding of myself? why do i perceive that other people feel sorry for me, like they think my life has come to a sudden halt from awesomeness and into a slurry of poo and onesies? because, i mean, the poo and onesies part is true...but is the "old" me gone for good? and why do i feel like i need to apologize for "new" me...for needing to plan around bedtimes and be overly aware of sickness sneaking its way into my house?

i'm acutely terrified of being that new mom who only ever talks about the baby...who seems to exist solely for the baby. except that i think i'm nearly HER. but i've realized, at least in my case...it's not because i'm super obsessed with her (don't get me wrong, i am, just not like THAT...you know, the obsessed that takes great joy in diaper counts and teething symptoms), it's because that's just all there is to my life lately.

let me clarify. it's because, my entire day, and night, and thinking, and all our money is about HER. and it should be. we're intentional about that...i'm choosing to stay home with her. but that's where my time goes. so when people are talking about bosses and coworkers and the new place they tried for lunch, or where they're going for the long weekend...all i HAVE is "she's standing up now!" because it's all i do.

i try REALLY hard to have other things to say. i try to read websites that will give me things to say, important and interesting things. but it's HARD and i find myself horrified that i'm completely boring now. this is not something i'm used to.

so, parents, when does the new normal find its way into my life? when do i get a new sense of self that i feel okay about? and what do i do to speed things up? how do i get acquainted with me?

compound pronouns

2008-06-06T23:12:00.000-07:00

we spent sunday with the mister's mother's side of the family celebrating grandpa's 85th birthday. it was an incredible day. i'm not sure that anyone else there would describe it that way.

for them, it was a run of the mill family get together, not unlike the many other gatherings they have several times a year. i've been to a lot of these through the 8 years mister and i have been together.

something about this time struck me differently. i haven't said very much at all about my growing up experiences on this blog, and really most of you who read know already anyhow. but, having just visited my hometown two weeks ago (a generally awful trip, as per usual) the polar opposite-ness of it all was much more shocking than usual.

because, get this: this family LOVES to be together. this was hour upon hour of belly laughing, hugging, getting each other snacks and drinks. genuine interest in the goings on of each person's life. even me,. THEY CARE. this is quite foreign to me.

so very foreign, that it maybe took until now for me to BELIEVE them. these are incredible people. THIS is what family is supposed to be. it was beautiful.

and, as grandpa sat opening thoughtful and generous gifts from his family all seated around the table, many having flown in from hawaii just for this day, i looked around the room and saw people with their arms around each other, people thoroughly enjoying being together, and i imagined that grandpa must feel so fulfilled. what an incredible legacy he has built. what a fantastic family he has created and fostered. it is what it should be. what we should all aim for. and i felt deeply honored to be part of it.

a few pictures, which don't at all capture the warm tinglies i was feeling:

get it?

2008-05-29T21:32:00.000-07:00

came across this at your typical moderately-scarylooking-a-little-too-hidden-away-chinese-buffet. it took me more than a few seconds to figure it out. once i did, i HAD to get a pic to share with you.

it's a sign on the buffet. take your time. let me know when you've got it.

awesome, right? completely awesome.

did you see that??

2008-05-16T22:02:00.000-07:00

i'm pretty sure i just got a comment about my "getinherhead" post from the inventor or president guy. i am SO cool.

kaia and i are going to california next week...just us girls. i'm definately excited, but super nervous to fly with her alone. she gets bored SO fast, and always wants to be moving on to another activity. and i just can't imagine her sleeping during the flight. i know i should just tell myself "you can only do your best, and you'll never see these people again." but i'm still totally anxious about it.

any tips for flying with a baby? also, for those of you who live in places that actually get sunshine...how do you protect your baby's skin? kaia's so super fair! i got her one of those cute floppy baby hats (we'll see how long it stays on her head) and some baby sunblock. is that sufficient?

last thing. a few days ago, kaia started laying her head down on my shoulder. i hadn't noticed that this wasn't happening until it did. and let me just say....it is the absolute sweetest most wonderful fantastic heartmelting blissful feeling of all time. she just gently lays her head down now and then, almost like a hug. she does it twice as much when she's sleepy. i can't get enough of it!
here we are on mother's day, she's laying her little head down!!

life is like

2008-04-30T17:46:00.001-07:00

a floppy worm.

i was outside briefly this afternoon while kaia, suffering from pneumonia, napped inside. i saw this little worm guy on the concrete. i couldn't figure out which was his head or butt, and where his underneath was. he was just flopping all over the place, trying to get somewhere shady to keep from dying in the (rare) portland sun. i mean, this worm, he was literally about one inch from a little shady weed. but it was two rolls one direction, flop to another direction, two rolls....it took him nearly 4 minutes to get to that shady weed.

and i said to myself, "i feel like that lately." knowing WHERE i need to be, but having no clue how to get there, and not being able to get there in any sort of timely manner. not knowing which is my head or butt, where my underneath is. so frustrated to see my shady weed within reach, but just keep flopping and rolling.

it was at this point in my thinking that it occurred to me that if i had sufficient time to think this deeply about a worm, i ought to be in bed making up for last night's sleeplessness. but i keep thinking about the worm today. i'm tempted to take comfort in knowing that he finally got to his shady weed, but that feels way to cheesy, and i haven't had enough sleep for that kind of optimism.

isn't the goal "from glory to glory?" why do i feel like i'm going "from hardship to harship?"

living in the land of "what if"

2008-04-23T19:11:00.001-07:00

my husband was very nearly killed tonight, no exaggerating necessary. on his way home from work someone in a huge truck ran a red light and came within a few feet of hitting his driver's side door. we're both very shaken up.

it's that weird thing where everything's completely fine...he's home just like always, no scratches on the car, nary a headache. but i can't pull my brain out of all the implications of WHAT IF??? what would my life look like tonight had someone's brakes failed or had my husband not seen it coming from the corner of his eye....if if if.

it's moments like this...like this and the time my brand new baby was rushed in an ambulance to another hospital for a laundry list of reasons....those kind of moments where you feel so humbled, so vulnerable...in search of how to say "thank you" in a way that doesn't sound offensive to a very big and gracious God.

our pastor was just talking about this at church sunday. that there's so much God does for us that we never even know about it. obviously, we know about this one, but it's such a reminder about everytime we get in the car and make it home safely.

so here it is, for all the world to hear...i am so grateful that God protected my husband. i'm so humbled by his goodness towards me. God is good...he is faithful and kind and full of compassion. and the thing is, had brakes failed tonight, those things would still be true....i'd just not see them quite as easily.

there is so much to be thankful for

dude, you're totally welcome

2008-04-22T13:55:00.001-07:00

you guys know i'm an organizational freak right? like, full of list making skills and color coding and all that. it's less obvious now that i have a kid. but whatever. it's still in there somewhere, drowning in breastmilk. that's right, i just came right out and said breastmilk.

anway. my favorite thing du jour is this: www.getinherhead.com
go there. seriously. here's all the great things about it:

1. it's for dudes and chicks, cause there's also www.getinhishead.com
2. it will reminid you of important dates ahead of time so you're not up a creek without a gift
3. your significant other goes in and puts all this info about their sizes and preferences for EVERYTHING, food, restaurants, flower type, dream dates....on and on. then when you want to get them something or plan a date, it's all right there
4. you can schedule in periodic "out of the blue" reminders so that you can "spontaneously" show up with a card or flowers or whatever for no REAL reason
5. they've also come up with lists of top gifts for both genders, and great date ideas.

it really is incredible. and if any of you (or your spouses) are anything like my mister, this thing was designed with you in mind, and the overall success of your relationship.

so, check it out, and let me know if you decide to sign up (free) and if you like it. it's not like i invented it, or get paid to tell you. i just really like knowing when people do what i tell them.

an update on the girl

2008-04-02T22:37:00.001-07:00

(hey, if you hate baby blog posts, blame lori, she asked for it!)

kaia's a little over 6 months now. shocking and soooooo strange! i hate how true it is (and this comment gets so annoying to me...and i hear it about ten times a day) that it "goes so fast!" i took her to the pediatrician two weeks ago for a tune up, and the pediatrician exclaimed "oh! she's so advanced! developmentally she's more like a NINE MONTH OLD than 6!"

now i know i'm supposed to feel great about that. and exactly half of me does. but the other half feels like "noooooooooooooo!! it's already going so fast, now there are THREE WHOLE MONTHS i'll never even see?!?! stop this train!"

but there is no stopping it.

kaia's delightful though. really and truly. in most ways. she's still not sleeping through the night. not even at all. and she's still preferring me over any other human. but she sits up, and rolls in every direction. she's got two teeth on the bottom (as sharp as can be) and has started eating my delicious homemade baby food. and, this is the big one apparently, she's crawling. she's done the army crawl for awhile now. and then she started crawling backwards. she doesn't get her knees up underneath her all the way yet, but boy does she scoot around!

and, as much as people keep telling me she's huge, she's right in the middle of the weight scale thingy for 6 month old baby girls. so there, general public. she's only 16 precious pounds...how can that be huge?!

here's what lori really asked for though. pics. enjoy!

this is our family easter pic. the mister had just come home from his 5 day dudes trip to vegas...he hadn't slept in a long time...can you tell?!

kaia likes bubbles. not in the traditional, giggling baby kind of way, but in the amazed and astounded sort of way.

for easter, kaia had a little felt basket with a few eastery things from the dollar section of target. don't tell her! oh wait, she was there and wide awake when we bought it all!

her first real sitting up by herself. (yes. i photograph EVERYTHING.)

i decided to be the coolest mom ever and let kaia play with some blobs of avacado puree once she was done eating it. i'm pretty stoked about the result:

just a little creativity...

an open letter

2008-03-23T20:02:00.000-07:00

to the people in the restaurant for easter brunch (but really, to all the people in every restaurant that this applies to),

i am sincerely sorry that my teething baby was crying during brunch. i did everything i could do...bounced, sang, patted, offered toys and tried to feed her. i even got up and walked as far from the dining area as i could get as soon as it was clear that she was more than fussy. and i bounced and swayed and sang and tried with all my might to soothe her. but she was just so uncomfortable.

i don't know what more you wanted from me....to stand out in the rain with her? why did you all glare and grunt at me with mental daggers as if i had gotten up this morning intending to ruin your day?

don't you realize that all of it was so much more awful for ME than for any of you? that i was humiliated to be disturbing any of you? that i was hungry and did not get to eat? that my back hurt and arms ached from trying to comfort her for so long? that i was lonely and feeling left out (as usual) as everyone else ate their fresh and hot food at our table, laughing and talking and enjoying themselves? did you see that i was crying too, feeling that these particular parts of parenting are more than i bargained for? did you see how exhausted i was from not getting much sleep for weeks on end now?

see, i've been where you were. i've been annoyed at crying babies and though "oh just DO something woman!" and now i see...she IS doing everything she can...she's doing it by herself, while her food gets cold and stale, while the world spins madly on, she bounces and rocks and sways and sings and cries from the exhaustion and embarrassment. it is a very lonely place standing in your sunday best by the cold doorway that leads out of the restaurant, hoping (for so many reasons) that your child will calm down and rest.

so, i'm sorry that you had a brief disruption to your meal, but please, PLEASE, the next time this happens, could you please look at the mother with gentle eyes and compassion? she desperately needs to know someone sees her side of the story.

sincerely,
kaia's mommy

i NEED answers

2008-03-13T18:16:00.000-07:00

have you started listening to adam yet? well if you have, then you heard this mind boggling story this morning. i HAD to come share it with my blogmunity...i can't wait to see some of your comments/reactions (hopefully plenty of you will read this one...) and hopefully you haven't already heard it, because i just learned that it's been EVERYWHERE. but i love telling people things for the first time.

here it is, in my own words (but i double checked the facts on cnn.com)

it all starts in wichita kansas. this 35 year old woman named pam somethingorother is at her boyfriend's house and goes into the bathroom. she stayed in there for awhile. when the boyfriend went to check on her, she refused to come out. she said "maybe tomorrow." and that's exactly what she said the next day, and the next day, and EVERYDAY FOR TWO STRAIGHT YEARS. seriously. and the boyfriend just went along his merry way, giving her food and water (under the door?) and asking her if she wanted to come out today. after TWO YEARS of sitting on the toilet, he finally decided to call someone and let them know, and i quote "something is wrong." ready for it to get grosserer?

because she did not get up for two years (i just can't begin to imagine how that's physically possible) her body fat actually molded itself around the toilet seat, which had to be removed with a prybar, and the muscles in her legs had wasted away. she still hasn't said why she stayed on the toilet for 2 years.

she's in the hospital now, and both pam and the boyfriend are being checked out for mental issues. if ever there was a time to revive "duh," it's now.

good points adam made (which i'm including to add more humor, since my best related joke is "that's a lot of issues of reader's digest"):
"probably not a lucritive career, imagine calling in sick for two years."
"i don't think he was that into her... eventually a guy in love kicks in the door"
"if her fat is growing around the toilet...she's eating? what, is he sliding matza under the door?"
"i'm guessing they didn't enteretain a lot of houseguests...'can i use your bathroom?' 'DON'T USE THE ONE IN THE HAAAAALL!!' " ' whatever happened to that nice girl you were dating last year?'
"what do you think she initially went in there for? i'm assuming #2. you don't go in for #1 and stay for two years."
"honey? what do you want on your pizza tonight? it's got to be a thin crust...and do you want me to just pour sprite under the door so you can soak it up with a towel and then just squeeze it into your mouth?"

see...he's hillarious.

oh, and this is the front of their house...i'm just saying...

i got served

2008-03-11T20:46:00.000-07:00

the greatest thing happened last week. for the first time EVER, i got a summons for jury duty!!!! i was so very excited! it said the case would likely last about 4 weeks. i have ALWAYS wanted to get jury duty. then my mister reminded me about the part where we have a baby now....a baby that requires my body for nourishment. my heart sank. i tried to bargain, "but i'm the PERFECT jurror! they would choose me in a split second!! uncle sam needs me!!" the mister picked up the summons, looked it over and replied "see, they've even got a box to check to say you're exempt because you're breastfeeding. uncle sam doesn't want you right now."

so my friends, i hope you won't mind that i had to, at least for now, choose my parenting responsibilities over the civil ones.

but hey, why don't YOU tell me YOUR jury duty story, and i'll live vicariously. hooray!

the good news is, i can keep working on my personal political stances even with a baby on my boob.

wanna?

2008-03-03T13:36:00.000-08:00

i'm not ready to run it yet, but i'm going to do the "fitness walk" which i think is about 3-ish miles. i love doing the shamrock, so fun! if you want to join me, it's an easy fitness walk, and such a great experience with loads of people, lots of energy, and clam chowder and beer when you're done!! i don't personally enjoy beer at 9am after working up a sweat, but loads of people do.

anyhow, i'm inviting you to walk with me if you want to. i'm sure several of you are running it (jason?) and that's great too, i'll be so happy to meet up with you at the finish line (bet you'll get there first!) and then grab our celebratory chowder! what's really exciting is that it's the 30th anniversary...so the shirts are actually a bit different this year! hooray! and i like them! super hooray! gotta love the tshirt...especially because it doesn't specify if you ran or walked...and i like to feel like i COULD'VE run it, juuuuuuuuuust maybe!

who's in? or who's already going?

homeland security is child's play

2008-02-29T22:19:00.000-08:00

make sure to read the reviews at the bottom. that's the good stuff.
http://www.amazon.com/Playmobil-3172-Security-Check-Point/dp/B0002CYTL2

awesome

2008-02-20T16:15:00.000-08:00

this was on the bilboard of a local (icky) fast food joint. the mister and i recently went through dave ramsey's "financial peace university" so i figured i'd snap a phonepic and send it to dave for a good laugh.

political aspirations and such

2008-02-18T19:55:00.001-08:00

well, i took what i believe to be the first step in discovering my political self. adam carolla (shocker) was talking about a quiz on usatoday.com that would tell you which presidential candidate best matched your views. so i took it. you can too. go here: http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/election2008/candidate-match-game.htm

so, since i'm new to this whole political world, am i not supposed to share my results? don't people super-shy away from discussing these things very much?

i'll throw caution to the wind. every single one of my matches was a democrat. and my number one match was barak obama. i think that's nice. not like i'm going to vote solely based on the results of this quiz.

in other news:
i just got these DELICIOUS vera wang shoes. don't be too impressed. they're from her line for kohls, and they were 75% off. but still. they were SCREAMING my name! this picture does NOT do them justice.

also. i've concluded that i HATE these dead celebrity duets thing that seems to be more and more popular these days. seriously. it's creepy and lame and not at all awesome. i saw the one from the grammys, the one on american idol that one time with celine and elvis, elvis with lisa marie....gag. the only time i've ever even a little liked it was way back when natalie cole did one with nat king cole. because that was kinda beautiful. but it needs to stop.

and also....HOORAY FOR THE END OF THE WRITERS STRIKE!!!

and finally, a cute baby picture. couldn't resist.

ok, so i'm video happy

2008-02-08T13:50:00.000-08:00

but this is easily one of the greatest things i've seen. do yourself a favor and watch...it's a great pick-me-up

not a political statement

2008-02-04T21:12:00.000-08:00

as you'll remember from my 100 things post, i'm not so political...not even responsibly political yet (working on it.) so i'm not posting this as a political statement...i just sincerely think it's inherently beautiful. thought i'd share.

100 things

2008-01-22T02:18:00.000-08:00

primarily inspired by bigmike's "100 things" post, and also because i've got plenty on my mind but nothing that's worth it's own post...i present to you my list of 100 things.

i've tried to fight it, but i have to admit, i like the jonas brothers.
remember wes mckenzie from AVB? he was my first real crush...like, in love with him as a little girl crush. well, one of my new favorite friends from church is married to a guy that looks so much like wes that i feel guilty when i look at him and can't get up the nerve to talk to him. he must think i'm so weird to clam up whenever he walks in the room.
i can't seem to shake the overwhelming fear that kaia will grow up to despise me.
even i'm begining to worry about my love of reality tv
i miss a lot of friends, but put off reconnecting with them because i hate the "sorry i've been so terrible about keeping in touch, it's just that i've been so busy blah blah blah" part of the conversation.
i'm terribly lonely. i'm trying to fill the void by copious amounts of time spent on babycenter.com talking to other mothers of sept. 07 babies.
i thought that producing a beautiful little baby would help me feel more proud and grateful about my body. it's not at all true. not yet anyhow
i'm getting a lot better at cooking.
this is day 8 in a row of getting less than 2 hours sleep total. while i'm not "there," i can totally understand those women that lose their minds and throw babies out of windows. don't worry about me,seriously. but i get it now.
if i could have any superpower, i'd ask to exchange the superpower option and instead be an incredible songwriter.
leaving the church of christ was exhilerating and heartbreaking all at once. only the exhileration lasted. please don't be offended.
the mister's dad thinks we're going to hell because of #11. it's been a painful experience. worse is that he blames me for leading our family "astray." you wouldn't believe the emails.
being a mother has taught me that i'm way more of a control freak and perfectionist than i ever knew. and i've always openly admited how control-freaky i am!
if i could eat sushi everyday, i totally would.
i am actually repulsed by my own face when i accidentally catch a glimpse of it in a mirror or window.
i've started drinking chlorophyll and using essential oils and other "naturopathic" things. for some reason it feels like braging to share this.
i feel embarrassed to sing to the baby
the other day i saw this older woman at work i hadn't seen since i was pregnant. she said "wow, you look so skinny!" and i said "thanks, i really needed to hear that today!" she said, "well, not like actually skinny, it's just that the last time i saw you, you were pregnant. that's what i meant." i wanted to punch her in the face.
i've gone through FOUR large boxes of kleenex in the last 10 days. even with the lotiony kind, my nose is completely red and sore
i spy on my ex-boyfriend from high school's myspace. not because i miss him or anything like that, but because i'm so curious about his life...kind of the "this is what my life would've been if i stayed with him." he has two kids. his wife is gorgeous.
ever since my accident in august, i tense up and stare in the rearview mirror when someone is coming to a stop behind me.
i wish i was blonde
i'm slightly jealous that my daughter will be blonde with blue eyes. i feel guilty for being jealous. guilty and shallow.
i love costco. buying food in bulk makes the fat girl part of my brain feel safe.
i hate how the things that are coming to mind make it seem as though i'm trying to be profound or dramatic
i'm clearly having some sort of identity crisis.
i come from a family of hoarders. not the super bad kind like on oprah, but pretty bad. my uncle owns more than 2,500 vhs movies. my grandma has over 500 giraffes of various sizes. she never dusts them. she also refuses to throw away jars or plastic containers. she lives alone in a house twice the size of mine and has no room for visitors.
my grandfather and i would watch the rosie o'donnell shoe everyday when i was in high school. he loved her. i'm glad he passed away before she became what she is now.
i'm worried that becoming a mother will eventually be the thing that keeps me from pursuing my long held dreams. i'm afraid that "this is it."
i firmly believe that chocolate covered raisins were the result of divine inspiration.
i'm way too concerned with what others think of me
i qtip at least once daily
i like the idea of being a news anchor or radio talk show host.
my dream job is to be a worship leader. like how christy nockels from watermark leads worship for the Passion events, and also at church. i thought this was impossible, but our new church has several female worship leaders. it's awesome
i don't have a political stance that i'm aware of. i think i should, but don't know where to start. i vote based on gut feelings that i get from minimal exposure to candidates.
i love basketball,but rarely actually understand what's goingon.
i'm obsessed with the adam carolla show. i fall asleep each night listening to the podcast. i talk about adam like he's my best friend. i'm always saying things like "well adam says that..." or "just the other day adam was talking about..." no one else i know listens to the show. i can't fathom this. someone told me a few weeks ago that my love of adam and most everything he says represents a strong political view i just don't know what it is.
three men that i had a crush on in high school who hardly noticed me then have hit on me despite knowing that i'm happily married. i don't know what to make of this.
i thought i'd feel like a grown up by now
i've typed this whole thing with one hand. i'm too prideful to leave typos even though it takes forever to correct. now i'm paranoid that you've found a typo i missed
i would totally get plastic surgery if we could afford it. all kinds of it
i can't seem to get into facebook like i have myspace. it just doesn't make much sense to me
i miss feeling like a wife. even more i miss feeling like a woman. i miss my beautiful shoes and having time to do my hair and make up. i hate how cliche it is that i've "let myself go" as a new mom
i would pay 300 bucks for a solid 9 hours of sleep
i wish i could come up with something i could make and sell on ebay. i'm so not make-y.
i love how kaia always falls asleep with her little hand tucked just inside my shirt. like my skin is her "home base"
i love loggins and messina. i don't think enough people appreciate their music.
kaia loves it when i sing "buddy holly" by weezer. i think it's hillarious
i faked bad eye sight in 5th grade because i thought glasses were cool looking. i'm pretty sure the optometrist knew it, but he gave me the weakest glasses possible. looking back, i can see how ugly they were. i still have perfect eyesight.
not a day goes by that i don't miss and desperately desire In and Out burger.
i still think hugh grant is completely gorgeous
i wouldn't mind getting a tattoo, but i can't for the life of me figure out what it would be, or where it would go. i don't think my body is conducive to a cute tattoo.
is it weird that i aspire to be more like my sister in law? like, i want to be like my husband's sister...is that strange? but i do. she's incredible.
i love frosted pop tarts.
i'm over oprah. i never thought that would happen
i'm still trying to become a runner. i'm trying to get ready for a 5k in march. i'm really doubting myself about this.
i don't know much about him, but watching barak obama puts me at ease.
something about britney spears' ongoing meltdown makes me feel better about me. like all these men idolized her and now she's a hot mess. doesn't make me more attractive, i realize.
i would live in skirts and cardigans if i could. can't get enough
i feel like i've blogged one of these lists before. i wonder how many of these things are repeats?
going to walmart makes me feel dirty, but not as dirty as winco
i dream at least once a week that my teeth fall out and i try to push them back in.
i drive different ways to work everyday because i heard it's better for your brain and i'm scared of dementia
i'm bitter that my husband still gets two showers a day and i'm lucky to get three a week
sometimes i'm angry that my grandpa died first
i still don't know how to put links into blogs so that you just click on the word. i give up.
in high school i snuck a boy into my room through the sliding glass door. later, when he tried to sneak back out, my neighbor tackled him because she thought he was breaking into our house. somehow i came up with a story that satisfied everyone and had the neighbor laughing and the boy invited over for dinner. don't ask me how. (yet another reason i'm scared of having a daughter!!) (and just to be clear...nothing "happened")
have you had the chocolate hazelnut milkshake from burgerville? it's perfection. and it's in season right now! go! go quickly!
when i really think about it, eating meat totally grosses me out. so i try not to think about it.
i still check to see that the baby is breathing all the time
when i was in 7th grade i would save my lunch money and stop by the pet store on the way home from school and buy all the feeder mice i could afford and set them free outside. i hated the idea that mice were bred for the sole purpose of being eaten. it didn't occur to me that by setting them free in the parking lot they'd likely die just as soon.
when someone asks me my favorite book, i choose something that sounds intelligent like catcher in the rye or river why. my actual favorite book is probably jemima j. or maybe enders game.
i do the same thing with movies.
i'm seriously considering that one hairstyle where the top layer of hair is completely blonde and the rest is dark brown. i think it looks incredible on other people. i'm not sure it would look good on me. kinda like this:
i have no self control when it comes to warm chocolate chip cookies and milk
i hate to say i "collect" anything (see #27) but i get a starbucks city mug everywhere i visit. and i love to get new travel mugs to cheer myself up. that and lip gloss. and shoes.
i hate roses.
i hate the song "amazing grace." not for any specific reason, and i certainly don't hate what the song means or anything. i just hate the song itself.
i don't believe it when fat people say they feel good about their bodies. i want to, i just don't.
i can't get over the shock of heath ledger's death. it seems fake to me.
although i LOVE musicals, i can't stand grease, or dirty dancing, or moulin rouge.
when i was young i hated not knowing who my father was. now i realize it's better that way. i don't think i'd choose to know if i could.
this feels a lot like "post secret"
i once bought myself an "employee of the month" mug because i thought i deserved it. when people at work asked about it, i laughed and told them it was from my husband.
in college i got to make the student id's and would always paste a picture of minnie driver into my card because i hate pics of myself. but i wouldn't let other students do stuff like that. i think that was rude of me.
i love ironing. and scrubbing. especially when i'm angry. i could clean house all day if my ipod was fully charged.
i love wine. but i'm not sophisticated about it. i usually buy wine based on two criteria: cute bottle and under 15 bucks.
i have a horrible memory when it comes to movie details. this works out great for me because i can watch them over and over and there are always new things. even with my favorites.
i love buying my favorite shows on dvd.
i'm glad kaia looks mostly like her dad. i think it means she'll have an easier life.
you can tell i'm having a horrible day if i'm wearing a baseball cap so low that you can hardly see my eyes. it's my tell.
i go to sport websites to try and learn quick facts hoping that i'll be able to tell the mister something he hasn't heard yet. i get excited when it actually works. like today when i told him about tom brady wearing a cast.
i have this fear in the back of my head that all my experience with kids that have developmental disabilities has been God's way of preparing me for my own dd child.
the primary reason i don't audition for american idol is that i'm afraid i'll end up being one of those people who think they are good singers because everyone around them would never tell them the truth. i can't stand the idea of being the last to know i'm horrible. that and i don't want to hear simon's opinion on my weight/looks.
i was only going to do 25 things originally.
i desperately want to travel around europe
kaia still sleeps in bed with us. we haven't even used her co-sleeper yet. i think this has more to do with me liking her right next to me than her needing to be so close.
i have always hated feet. but i could kiss kaia's little feet all day long.
i watch nickelodeon's "drake and josh" almost everyday.
have i ever told you about how i used to think the bermuda triangle was a black hole in the sky? or that albinos were a race of people like eskimos? i can really humiliate myself sometimes.

kaia's new favorite game

2007-12-29T17:19:00.001-08:00

done and done

2007-12-27T20:37:00.000-08:00

i'm quite impressed with blogger's new template customizing options. i'm guessing they're not really very new anymore...i guess i've just been too busy producing life over the last year to take notice.

a few things about the remodel:

i realize it makes it seem like you're getting glimpses of a baby named grace. it is her middle name, but this is not an "all about baby" blog. as you'll kindly recall, the blog and its title were here long before she was.
i also realize that i've use the same basic template as our dear rebeccamarie. i also recall that one time when i was accused of idolizing her and trying to become her, which resulted in my shutting the blog down for a period of time. so, if "anonymous" is still lurking around, i have this to say: yes, i do adore her. and yes, i made a conscious decision to use this blog template, but that was because a black background best complimented the baby picture i wanted to use, and this was the only template with a black background. also, i'm embarrassed to admit i still remember that stupid anonymous comment and that it still whispers in my head when i blog. booo! i should've recovered from that by now.
i finally figured out (i feel so stupid to have taken this long) how to resize a picture right in the post, instead of trying to resize the original in photobucket until it's the right size. sheesh...it sure would've been great if i'da known that a long time ago!
i'm actually pleased with the blog at the moment. not that i even post much, although i feel like i'd like to get back to it, if only for my own enjoyment. i know the picture of kaia is kinda distorted, but i just love that picture, and was trying to make it a good size to be a header. i mean, it took me this long to figure out how to size post pics...you expect me to make phenomenal headers anytime before 2010??
the thing at the very bottom of the blog is quite nice. it's be quite nicer if my husband actually ever looked at my blog even once to see it there. oh well. maybe one of you will casually mention how romantic and sweet i am to him sometime?

i guess that's about it. i've got some other updates, but this is already a long/boringish post, so i'll hold off for a bit.

oh, one last thing...i finally got hooked up with feedblitz (thanks rlew!) and am thrilled to be reading all of your blogs (all of the "you" that i know about anyhow) again regularly...only thing is it takes loads of extra steps (as far as i can tell) to comment, so that's my new year's resolution. to take some time to comment and let you know i'm reading and i care. awwww! look at me being sweet and thoughtful again!

cheers! and a pic for good measure (and practice in easy sizing!)

please pardon the dust

2007-12-25T18:46:00.000-08:00

i'm working on making some changes to the blog, but it's happening bit by bit. so please be understanding of broken picture tags, missing links and such...i thought i knew what i was doing...well i was wrong. happens you know?

also, merry christmas. mine has been dreadful, but that's of no importance at this point...may your days be merry and bright! here's a little christmas family photo to tide you over for awhile. thanks for stopping by!

nickels and dimes

2007-11-25T20:14:00.000-08:00

forgive me ahead of time for breaking social etiquette. i know it's not polite to talk about money. the thing is, i tend to live a fairly transparent life, and when stuff is going on, i'm not one to hide it. plus i just kinda need to get some stuff out of my feelings and into words.

i'll start by saying i'm super proud of myself. we got back from our thanksgiving trip to spokane today, and i've accomplished so much in the last 12 hours. i'm tempted to include the actual list because it just seems like it's been so long since i really felt like i ACCOMPLISHED something at home, but i'll spare you. the thing i'm most proud of is that i have decorated our home for christmas. it's not much...i'd never be featured in martha stewart magazine, and no one is going to come into my home and proclaim "oh my! it's just stunning! how DID you do it?!?" but it's cozy and it didn't cost a penny, which is the important part. i just tried to get as creative as i could with stuff we had from last christmas. and i really think i did alright. you're cordially invited to come visit and see for yourself. i'd be happy to make hot cocoa for you.

a year ago, just before we found out we were knocked up, i was thinking about how THIS christmas ("next" christmas at that point") would be the one where i'd really be intentional about decorating IMPRESSIVELY. i figured we'd be at a place financially where i could get some nicer things (as it is most of our "decorations" are from the dollar store) and really feel like a grown up for the holidays.

reality is that God's perfect gift is also the most expensive thing i've ever experienced next to college...and considering my scholarships and the fact that the NICU bills KEEP coming in, college may look cheap by the time this is all over. we thought we had done a great job of saving while we were pregnant, we thought we'd be more than set. but we are wiped out and there is no end in sight. and of course i wouldn't change it for a world of beautiful christmas garb and doodads. my little lady has brought us more joy and love-depth than i could have dreamed, and i certainly wouldn't put any price on that.

it's just a really difficult adjustment for me. i grew up with a LOT of disfunction, but we always had more than enough STUFF and money. in fact, money was the currency of apologies..."sorry i yelled at you...let's go to the mall and get some nice things" "sorry i hit you, here's a hundred bucks." "oh, you had a rough day at school? let's stop by macy's on the way home." all of this basically trained me that when things are tough or don't feel so good, you can buy your way out of it. and really? it works a lot of the time. i didn't have a close family, but i always had the things i wanted, which basically tried to fill the "love" void. the other thing about that experience was that i have never been the one with less money than other people. i've never been RICH mind you, but i've always been able to bless my friends and the occasional stranger with money or lunch or a full gas tank or whatever they needed but couldn't get. and i've loved doing that.

have you read "the five love languages?" my secondary love language is giving gifts...so trying to accept that this christmas there will be no gifts for my husband much less my incredibly deserving friends is a very harsh reality. hanging out with the girls at the mall and seeing them be able to buy gorgeous shoes and holiday attire and having to tell myself that i can't justify a cup of coffee right now is more humbling than i was ready for. it's my little girl's first christmas, and i know she won't remember or ever ask or care one bit...but i feel like i'm failing her because i can't get her a christmas dress or stuff a stocking or get her "baby's first christmas" things. it is such a different holiday season than i was anticipating.

but, at the end of the day, at the end of THIS day, my precious baby is sleeping in my lap, my "sexiest man alive" look-alike husband is giggling at an episode of the simpsons, and my house has glowing twinkle lights reflecting in silver ornaments above felt stockings on the fireplace...and when i focus on those things my heart feels full and tinglywarm, and that's all anyone wants this time of year in the first place.

schizophrenia

2007-10-14T21:42:00.000-07:00

some things are getting easier, and i'm glad for that, i really am. but i didn't get ANY sleep last night (i used to say that when i got less than 4 hours, now it literally means NO sleep. strange) and my loony grandmother has been in town a few days being ANTIhelpful, and so i'm feeling stressed and when i get stressed i get overly analytical.

the point? is it normal or acceptable to be terrified of my little girl growing up? i mean, i LOVE kids, particularly between the ages of 2 and 10, so you'd think i'd be really excited to get there with my own. you'd think i'd be in a bit of a rush to get to the phase where there's more sleeping and less psychosis. except that i'm completely dreading the inevitable growing up of my baby. i love cuddling her tiny body. i love watching her mouth keep suckling when the soothie falls out. i love planting kisses all over her face and watching her squirm and wriggle. i love that she's still wearing newborn sized clothes even though she's a whole pound over the stated size limit. i love the (few and far between) moments when we're sleeping so peacefully together.

and honestly, i love the way people look at ME because of her. they treat me more tenderly and with a different respect because of my tiny wonder. so, despite the exhaustion, i kinda want to stay here awhile. i'm starting to understand how women get addicted to babies. i'm almost starting to understand why they voluntarily go through pregnancy and childbirth just to have the tiny baby phase. almost.

i want to be present and grateful in each moment, each season. and i'm grateful for this season, but it's twinged with fear, which is no way to live. is this completely irrational? maybe it's that the older she gets, the closer we come to the days where she can choose to love and need me or not. the days where she can slam doors and shout "i hate you!" or tell her friends, "i hope i'm nothing like her when i get older." because right now, i get to meet her most basic needs, and she looks at me like i'm beautiful. i just don't want her finding out otherwise.

anyway, enough blogtherapy for today. here is my favorite picture to date:

this is hard

2007-10-04T19:14:00.000-07:00

seems obvious, right? it's just that there's no way i could've been prepared for all this mom stuff, even though i've got some great friends who tried to help prepare me.

sleep deprivation SOUNDS very different than it feels in real life. in real life it sucks so much more than i could've anticipated. and my body seems to be taking FOREVER to heal. i'm all achy and slow going like a grandma. not my grandma mind you, that lady gives the energizer bunny a run for his/her/its money. but someone's grandma who is, well, achy and slow going.

and new things are happening all the time to make things more difficult, such as mastitis, 105 degree fever for TWO DAYS (i kid you not) and my darling little lady seems to be totally confused between day and night. have i mentioned that this is hard?!

it feels even harder-er when it occurs to me that it's barely been 3 weeks, and that these things aren't likely to resolve anytime soon. she's not going to be sleeping through the night for quite some time, she's going to need to nurse a lot for who knows how long...this is my new life. which can be a tough pill to swallow. especially when i see, bless his heart, how the mister's life hasn't had to change to the degree that mine has. he can be away from the house for hours at a time...he still gets to go out to lunch instead of eating leftovers. and speaking of eating...why didn't anyone tell me it would take me four hours to eat one burrito?! i keep hearing how i'm supposed to be eating all the time and so hungry because i'm breastfeeding, but i'm lucky to get one full meal in everyday.

this is hard.

and i'm tired and i think i'm spending too much time at home because i'm afraid to leave, and what would i do anyway? i wish i had family nearby to help out. that part sucks.

having now complained, let me make it clear that i adore this little lady, and wouldn't trade her in for a year of sleeping in...just in case you were getting concerned. i think it's just particularly difficult because i really prefer to have my life predictable, controlled and planned out. none of which is the case presently. it's really wearing on me that i don't have things organized and under control...a pile of laundry here, dirty dishes there, and i couldn't even tell you the last time i put on make up. i'm sure this is all "normal" but what you may not get is that I HATE NORMAL. i'm giving myself another week, and then i'm kicking my own tush into gear. i can't let my perfectionistic/overachieving self drown for too long in these dirty diapers and seemingly constant nursing sessions.

enough of that. here are some pictures.

which makes me realize i've not taken pictures at all in about 10 days...so that'll be the project tomorrow. now go, and sleep intercessorily for me!

i couldn't resist

2007-09-23T21:58:00.001-07:00

how long do i get to brag and gush about this girl before people get annoyed? i just want to make sure to not drive people too far away! all those cliche things i've always heard are just so true, which drives me nuts considering how much i hate cliches.

also, i just wanted to thank all of you for your prayers and words of encouragement and congratulations. you've all blessed ben and i so much these last 10 days, and it's been incredibly humbling and faith growing for us. (and lori, thank you for the voicemail, it was such a blessing for me, and i'm going to call you back just as soon as a)i remember while it's not too late to call and b)kaia is asleep. i'm so looking forward to catching up with you!)

so, to be honest, the main point of this post was to show you this:

i can hardly handle how much i love her.

worth the wait

2007-09-17T20:53:00.001-07:00

she's here.

and to be honest, i earned every last beautiful centimeter of her! it was 18 hours of hard, med free labor. which was the goal (well, the med free part). but after about 12 hours, i started to lose it. like psychologically lose it. i added myself to the list of women who say they're going to have a natural child birth, and then beg for an epidural. i was ashamed, but more desperate than i could ever explain.

so the anesthesiologist came in to give me the drugs. but remember that part about 18 hours of med free labor? that's because, even after SEVEN attempts, he could not get the epidural in. he eventually said he could not safely continue to try, and i heard him whisper to the nurse "this has never happened in my entire career!" i'm definately paying for those attempts now, let me tell you!

Kaia Grace was born at 3:50 pm on Friday. and, please forgive me for being blunt, but i've got as many stitches as a girl can have. nothing came easily for us.

the first 20 hours were as blissful as they could be given my physical condition. kaia is so sweet and delicate and peaceful.

saturday afternoon, less than 24 hours after she was born, things started going wrong. kaia turned purple and was put on oxygen. as they started doing tests to find out why she wasn't getting enough oxygen, they found a slew of other things going on: jaundice, possible heart size issues, rapid/shallow breathing and pneumonia. in the blink of an eye kaia was taken by ambulance to the NICU of another hospital, and i was left to figure out what on earth was going on.

the last few days have been horrendous. i can't and won't begin to explain what's gone on, but this darling girl has not had a very kind welcome into the world. it is the most helpless i have ever felt.

i was released from the hospital yesterday afternoon, and went immediately to my little girl. the doctors were saying all kinds of things, none of which sounded terribly optimistic. yesterday was, quite possibly, the worst day of my life (and after the labor, i thought that record would be impossible to beat!)

but, praise God, today was an entirely different story. when we came to the hospital today, she was totally off the oxygen, the jaundice light treatments. another xray this morning showed completely clear lungs and a perfect heart. and our little girl gets to come home tomorrow night once she's completed one more round of "just to be safe" antibiotics.

today was euphoria. we sat and held her (such a gift after not getting to hardly touch her for 2 days of her 3 days here!) and stared at her and i was baby drunk. i cannot express the humility and gratitude i feel for God's grace on our little girl, and for all the people who have sacrificed for us these last days. my faith has been tripled by seeing God's goodness in our friends and family who have prayed and prayed and prayed and offered us endless comfort and time. we are so very blessed.

so here it is. this is the picture of perfection, if you ask me. and although i am still in pretty awful physical condition, my heart is boiling with joy, and i don't hardly care about this pain. how could i? just look at her!

we now interrupt your regularly scheduled "still pregnant" blog to bring you a surprisingly SPORTY post....

2007-09-13T11:24:00.000-07:00

Sam Bowie pt 2?!?!

DEVASTATED is a pretty accurate word. whilst choking down some castor oil to try and induce labor, this "breaking news" screamed at me from the big screen:

"This just in; Greg Oden will not play the '07-'08 season for the Portland Trailblazers due to cartilage damage discovered in his right knee during exploratory surgery this morning. Recovery is expected to take 8-12 months"

um...what?! what is going on here?

let's get a few things straight. i am NOT a blazer fan. not at all. i'm a laker lover through and through. HOWEVER. i LOVE basketball, and i live in portland, so i like going to games. which have mostly sucked as of late. oden was my hope for some better action. oden was my hope to convince the mister to fork out cash for a few more games this season. oden was the hope of the future.

i've been annoyed from a distance how this kinda happened when the galaxy bought beckham and then all of a sudden he was injured and not playing, or playing and not being worth the price. i've imagined how much the city/state/team management must be sick over all of it. but i didn't care enough to really care.

this is closer to home. thankfully we haven't bought season tickets, or tickets to the first home game. can you EVEN imagine what real blazer fans are thinking/feeling right now?!?! yikes. this is a major blow to the city.

why is this feeling like sam bowie all over again? you remember the story: 1984 draft, Portland had the 2nd pick. the options? Sam Buoy, and a shooting guard from North Carolina by the name of Michael Jordan. and who did Portland pick? Sam freaking Bowie. MJ goes on to lead the Bulls to 6 championships and earns 5MVPs. Sam injurs himself again and again, averaging a little over 10 points per game, and is traded 4 excrutiating seasons later to the Nets where he magically has the 4 best seasons of his career. boo and boo some more.

this is where i'm glad to be a friend of God...he's got a history of some miraculous healings and such. i'm going to go ahead mention these things to Him and see what happens.

get better soon Oden....portland needs you. desperately.

the waiting game

2007-09-07T20:40:00.001-07:00

....still no baby, which is totally fine. i'm mostly feeling quite well. the thing that makes it hard is how 35 people have decided to call me EVERYDAY just to say "are you STILL pregnant?!?!" having to tell each one of them, "yes, and i really do promise to let you know as soon as that changes! you really don't have to call to ask everyday."

i'm trying to be polite, i really am. i know their intentions are good. but it's not easy to feel patient and comfortable when i'm being reminded every 30 minutes that i've not had a baby yet.

it's not very helpful that this is the ONLY reason people seem to call anymore. this is literally how most of the conversations go:

me: hello?
them: hi. are you STILL pregnant?!?!
me: yes. i really do promise to call or text you when that changes.
them: okay. that's all i wanted to know. bye!
me: bye. (to self: grrrrrrr)

for some, i've actually stopped answering the phone altogether. for others, i've taken to sending a pre-emptive daily text message. is this rude?

i'm grateful to have friends who care about how i'm doing, and who are excited to meet my little girl. but i wouldn't mind some of them wanting to ALSO talk about other things. and i don't like how everyone assumes i'm miserable at this point. sure, i'm more uncomfortable than if i weren't pregnant, but i'm still really quite active considering i'm 41 weeks pregnant (as you'll remember from the accusatory "why are you never home??" comments i've received) and sleeping well (praise God!) and i'm fine with the baby being where she is until it's time for her to move out of my womb.

for those of you who may be curious, my dr has given me until next friday (Sept 14th) to go into labor on my own before they induce. i'd really like to avoid induction, but i'll be at 42 weeks on the 17th, and my doctor is going out of town after the 14th...so i was willing to compromise by a few days. i wouldn't mind some prayerful intervention about my labor and delivery, if you would be so kind.

meanwhile, here's something entertaining, since this particular post is mostly a venting extention of the last...

the strangest day

2007-09-03T23:08:00.001-07:00

well, my "estimated due date" has come and gone, and my precious little baby has stayed put safely inside my apparently posh womb. i know that most first timers go past their due dates, i know that my mom had me two weeks after her due date. even still, it was the STRANGEST thing to live today like it was any other very pregnant but uneventful day.

this day, september 3rd, has been the object of my obsession for the last 9 months. i sincerely had convinced myself i'd have the baby early, or exactly on time. i hadn't necessarily considered being OVERdue. it was so surreal to say "today" when people asked me when i was due whilst attempting to walk myself into labor at IKEA this afternoon. i think it will be even more odd to say "yesterday" or "last week" when they ask from now on.

there's nothing an overdue pregnant chick loves hearing quite as much as "you look like you're about to POP right open! you're huge!" aaahhh...just makes you feel like the miracle vessel that you are, all dainty and lovely and such.

and also? please stop saying things like "what are you doing out and about? why aren't you at home? aren't you miserable? shouldn't you be laying down?" because, although i don't feel UNpregnant, i do feel mostly good and don't see any reason to be shut in my house and laying around. i'm taking advantage of what you all keep reminding me will apparently no longer be part of my life...just doing whatever i feel like doing, whenever i feel like doing it, with nothing holding me back. so there.

and i'm sorry that when you/your mother/your sister/your daughter/your cousin's neighbor's aunt was pregnant, going out was just not an option due to all the swelling/back pain/dizziness/inability to walk/general misery, and that you're jealous i'm still wearing my wedding ring and cute wedgy shoes. i'm just not convinced that pregnancy (or motherhood for that matter) requires the loss of style, spunk, organization, punctuality or ability to say no to plaid scrunchies.

one last thing (since this post has clearly taken on an entirely different tone than i originally intended), and please, hear me out on this one: you gave birth your way, and that's great. as long as you're happy with the experience and everything worked out fine, i feel NO NEED to tell you that your birth experience should've been any different. i've decided what's right for me based on what i value and what i've researched. and i know it sounds crazy to most people that i will not be having an epidural, or any other medical intervention (unless there's some emergency medical reason). i know that you wouldn't dream of that, and that you LOVED your anesthesiologist. BUT PLEASE stop telling me "you'll change your mind. you'll see."

because the thing is, i'm strong and educated and stubborn, and just because i've not yet given birth and felt contractions, doesn't mean i'm not capable of making decisions and sticking with them. it's not okay with me that so many of you (and, my blog reading friends, i'm sure you've realized by now that "you" is not YOU as much as it is "you, the general population of places i go") feel that it's appropriate to tell me what to do with my body, my baby and my birth experience. and i wish i had the guts to say that to you in person without the temptation of using words my fetus should not hear.

whew! i didn't realize that was all pent up. it seems that the pregnancy hormones are still in full force! let's end the post with something light and uplifting:

my dream nursery

2007-08-28T17:23:00.000-07:00

here it is folks! it's been months in the making, and turned out better than i even imagined! just wanted to share it with you.

it's even greater in person...just another reason for you to come visit me and the baby (whenever she chooses to make her entrance!)

so, the ALMOST before pictures (i completely forgot to take pics before we started...technically, the room started out VERY red...this was just after painting the base color, and the first few hours of the detailed painting...)

and after....

the pictures turned out much better at night, but during the day it's so beautiful with the curtains pulled, looking like three windows out to the castle courtyard

this part took SO long

the changing table/dresser is hiding in the closet...the room is just too small for very much furniture

the only thing left to be done is to decide where i want the letters and tiaras to go...ideas?

hooray! now our little princess will have a place to dream and imagine and play dress up! i'm basically jealous! it really makes the rest of our house look SO lame and boring! i just love sitting in this room and listening to the lullaby playlist i've put on my ipod (did you see the pink ipod speakers i got for the nursery?! so cute!)

i told the mister that if they were wrong and this baby comes out a BOY, well he's just going to have to be a prince or a knight in shinning armour or something, cause i'm NOT giving up this room!!!

cause just being this pregnant wasn't tough enough...

2007-08-21T21:25:00.000-07:00

is there such a thing as bad luck? horrible karma? call it what you will, i seem to have it!

yesterday, i went to meet the mister for lunch near his new (and GORGEOUS) downtown office. he works right next to my all time favorite place in portland, so i just love going to meet him during the day when i can.

after a lovely lunch and walk/waddle around the city blocks, i started heading back towards home to meet a friend for coffee.

it was rainy and gloomy. i'm not making that part up. so it's raining, there's some huge accident on another freeway which is now shut down, so at 1:30pm there's horrible traffic. but i feel fine about it because i'm listening to the adam carolla show on my iPod (sidenote: adam carolla is a freaking genius. i can't get enough).

so, i'm in the left lane. it's stop and go traffic. adam's talking about how stupid it is to have stickers on fruit. then, JUST like those "life comes at you fast" commercials that i HATE, someone slams into me from behind. here are important facts to keep in mind at this point:

1. i've been in loads of car accidents, but NEVER when i was driving. this is new and terrifying to me
2. anyone remember how i'm 38 weeks pregnant?
3.the freeway is PACKED
4. it's raining like crazy
5. remember that part about me being 38 weeks pregnant?!?!?!?!

i had to tell myself several times that what was happening was real, that i had to make decisions. i couldn't find the emergency lights. i couldn't remember how to put the car in park. i was just in shock i guess, which only lasted for about 30 seconds. thankfully i work in constant crisis and stress, and was able to pull it together ENOUGH. since the freeway was packed, we just scooted a little to the left. but then i was trapped in my car, because the door couldn't open wide enough for my belly to get out. so i literally have to lift my stomache and maneuver it around the door. it takes me forever to find my phone to call the mister and ask him what to do. i'm crying like....well like i've just been in a car wreck. the guy was very kind, thankfully, although he wasn't nearly horrified enough that he had slammed his car into a HUGE pregnant chick.

let's skip the boring details about how all i could think was that i needed to call my doctor to find out it my baby was okay, so i didn't make a point of getting all the right info from this guy. (side note 2: for awhile it looked like he had given me bogus info, which made things even worse. but that all seems to have worked out now, so i can let go of the "why on earth didn't I....?" guilt) after the info exchange, i get back into my car, and immediately call my OB who i had just seen a few hours before. she tells me to go immediately to the hospital. that's comforting...so i drive myself there, shaking and crying and totally scared, thinking "i don't have my hospital bag...i don't have my birth plan. i'm not ready." meanwhile i'm also calling rebeccamarie to see if she can meet me at the hospital, which she did, and i can't thank her enough for that.

i get to the hospital and they immediately put me into a labor & delivery room, into the classic hospital gown and attached to fetal monitors and such. this was so scary, especially because i was still alone at this point, and there were so many nurses buzzing around and asking questions and taking my blood pressure, feeling my cervix....it was too much. thankfully rebeccamarie showed up and had me laughing after not too long which made the time go by much more quickly and calmly.

anyway, they kept me for about 4 hours to make sure the baby was okay, then they let me go home with a comforting"this could still send you into labor tonight or tomorrow, you'll need to be on bedrest."

and that's just what i'm doing. and i don't mind so much, at least not today. i needed a rest, if we're being honest. and it doesn't break my heart to not go to work.

i'm super ache-y and sore today, and my brain feels fuzzy. but the baby is doing great which is the most important part, and i don't seem to be thrust into labor which is also nice (for the moment).

thanks to everyone who prayed for me and the fetus yesterday. i'm just so grateful to have such faithful and generous friends. and to prove it, here's a few fun pics:

the obligatory "picture of self in bathroom mirror"

that's right. i'm due in 2 weeks and i'm still rocking heels. pay no attention to the leg stubble. i can slide my feet into shoes, but i can't reach my legs to shave.

the winning date: a dinner cruise on the Portland Spirit

the mister and i on the deck of the Spirit. we tried this shot twice, i looked horrible in the other one, so this is the one i'm posting, even though he looks a little ticked.

Your Help is Needed!

2007-08-16T21:29:00.001-07:00

alright, the mister and i have decided (last minute) to have one "last" great date this weekend, knowing that a)this baby will probably show up early and b)we won't get a date for quite some time once she's here

here's the trouble...my brain has completely stopped working! i can't come up with much more than the cliche dinner and a movie...but i feel like this date should be so much more than that, given what it represents!

so, let me see your creative brains at work! help me out! i'll owe you one!

in fact, if you come up with the winning idea, you'll get a picture of the new little bundle before anyone else (family excluded) and can option it out to celebrity gossip mags and websites and make MILLIONS. that should be sufficient incentive!

the most beautiful part of pregnancy

2007-08-09T14:32:00.000-07:00

"Guess how much I love you," he said.
"Oh, I don't think I could guess that," said Big Nutbrown Hare.
"This much," said Little Nutbrown Hare, stretching out his arms as wide as they could go.
Big Nutbrown Hare had even longer arms. "But I love YOU this much," he said.
Hmm, that is a lot, thought Little Nutbrown Hare.
"I love you as high as I can reach." said Little Nutbrown Hare.
"I love you as high as I can reach," said Big Nutbrown Hare.
That is quite high, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. I wish I had arms like that.
Then Little Nutbrown Hare had a good idea. He tumbled upside down and reached up the tree trunk with his feet.
"I love you all the way up to my toes!" he said.
"And I love you all the way up to your toes," said Big Nutbrown Hare, swinging him up over his head.
"I love you as high as I can HOP!" laughed Little Nutbrown Hare, bouncing up and down.
"But I love you as high as I can hop," smiled Big Nutbrown Hare - and he hopped so high that his ears touched the branches above.
That's good hopping, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. I wish I could hop like that.
"I love you all the way down the lane as far as the river," cried Little Nutbrown Hare.
"I love you across the river and over the hills," said Big Nutbrown Hare.
That's very far, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. He was almost too sleepy to think any more. Then he looked beyond the thorn bushes, out into the big dark night. Nothing could be further than the sky.
"I love you right up to the MOON," he said, and closed his eyes.
"Oh, that's far," said Big Nutbrown Hare. "That is very, very far."
Big Nutbrown Hare settled Little Nutbrown Hare into his bed of leaves. He leaned over and kissed him good night.
Then he lay down close by and whispered with a smile, "I love you right up to the moon - AND BACK."

i'll admit it

2007-08-05T15:05:00.000-07:00

i've started missing my blogmunity and all the interactions. so i'm posting a renewed commitment to get back to regularly reading all my friends' blogs, and regularly posting on mine. if there were a blog alter call (blalter call?) i'd come forward and cry a little. take it for what it's worth.

also, i'm stoked to announce that the mister and i recently celebrated our 3rd anniversary. i'm even stokeder to announce that, after three years, i'm seriously head over heels for this guy, and i've got a hunch he'd say the same thing (in his own, less dramatic kind of way). life is goooooood. nah. God is gooooooood. here's a few pics of us, just to prove that he exists (sometimes i think people assume i'm making him up.)

speaking of celebrations, we went to a wedding yesterday. it was GORGEOUS and wonderful, so please don't think that the following is directly related. during the wedding, one of my favorite friends (that's you rlew!) and i started sharing stories about the WORST music we've heard used at weddings. and i said to rebecca, "that would make a great blog! let's ask everyone to tell us the worst music they've heard at a wedding!"

so here i am, asking YOU, dear friend. what horrifying/cheesy/cliche music have you heard at a wedding? some of our favorites from our conversation yesterday:

Wind beneath my wings
you raise me up
anything by twila paris

ready? set? surprise us!

i'm completely useless

2007-07-04T20:57:00.000-07:00

after months of ignoring my blog, i'm feeling compelled towards a gushing "dear diary" experience. i didn't know where else to turn.

the last 24 hours have convinced me that i am completely useless. seriously.

let's start with my trip to the grocery store where i hit an 80 year old nun with my cart. you read that right...i hit an old nun with my shopping cart. ran right into the poor dear. thankfully i burst into tears and she noticed my ever ballooning pregnant belly, and had mercy on me. when you hit a nun, is that instant damnation? who hits a nun?

then, i decided to brave the unknown...the crock pot. see, we just spent a few days with the mister's family in washington. you may or may not remember how they're basically perfect in every way, including being as humble as you can imagine. not to mention the added bonus that the sister in law is also pregnant, due 3 weeks after i am. and while i'm handling pregnancy well enough and don't yet look like a complete oily elephant, she is FLAWLESSLY pregnant...she is the pregnant women dream of, she is what men actually mean when they secretly want a wife to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. next to her i not only LOOK horrid, but i seem like a total mess. she's up at the crack of dawn baking and cleaning and planning meals for the whole family. she could not be more fabulous. which of course makes me feel like a sloppy disaster.

oh, here's the point of all of that. while we were visiting, she made "the easiest meal ever" that everyone went gaga over. it was a crockpot meal...which i keep hearing are a working woman's best friend...people have been trying to tell me since i got married that the crockpot would be my favorite thing. but i've never bothered trying it out. well, after such a delicious meal that she swore took "maybe 6 minutes" i figured it was time to give it a go.

i thought today would be a great day to try...a good holiday meal with no work involved or added oven heat...seems perfect. and i'm telling you, i followed the directions to a tee...and it's not like, oops, i forgot to plug it in or turn it on or something. i did everything exactly as indicated. i can honestly find no mistakes on my part.

8 hours later, all excited and having made a big huge deal of it to the mister, we sit down for a hearty meal to celebrate our freedom...and it's dreadful. i mean, really and horribly dreadful. how potatoes can be CRUNCHY after 8 hours in a crockpot is beyond me. if there was an award for worst 4th of july meal, i'd have it on my shelf as we speak.

again, i immediately burst into tears. apparently it's my new favorite thing. so much so that i now carry mini kleenex in my purse. at first i tried to convince myself it was just raging pregnancy hormones. but after awhile, you just can't keep turning to that excuse every time you smash into a lady of the cloth. i mean, clutzy is one thing...this is something else altogether.

my biggest fear? lots of moms keep telling me how "it just gets worse" after you have the baby. apparently, you can never be smart or organized or clean or a good cook. (unless you're rebeccamarie. somehow she beat the system)

it just feels like life itself is set against my success and hapiness these days. the cruel thing is that my DESIRE to cook has basically tripled. so maybe that's it? my cooking abilities were only sufficient for the amount of desire i previously had to actually cook...now that same amount of ability is forced to be spread out among three times as much desire?

aren't i supposed to be glowing and giddy and feeling miraculous by now?

pregnancy is "sacred"

2007-04-14T16:45:00.000-07:00

i think it's not any small coincidence that "sacred" and "scared" are basically the same word, like one little typo...

i'm 5 months pregnant now. it's so strange that it still feels really brand new...i'm not at all used to it yet. perhaps that's because it's NEVER the same. nothing has been predictable for me. here's what my week has been like:

those are the only pics i could get that didn't include any amount of girlie parts...you get the idea. my entire chest/stomach have been covered in those electrode probe thingies...each connected to it's own colorful wire. i felt like science.

apparently, my heart is not doing such a great job of adjusting to creating life. my heart's been racing and skipping beats like mad...very alarming. so i was in and out of the hospital this week. once my heart finally calmed down, i got slammed with a ridiculous cold/flu/misery type thing. here's something you never thought you'd hear me say...i'm sick of cable television. i'm dying for some human contact. like, real reality...not just my beloved reality tv.

on the upside: we find out monday if the baby has a penis or a vagina. that's right. and i'm definately excited.

there's the update. seems like blogland has been quiet for awhile, and that's fine. if nothing else, i know my mom still reads my blog!

my new career aspirations

2007-03-19T19:59:00.000-07:00

i'm pretty sure celebrity gossip blogging is about the single greatest gig ever. if i could choose a new job right now (and i think about this constantly) i think the celeblog is the way to go. i mean, i can be snarky and feisty and witty and use fun fonts and daily contests (anyone remember the hit "what's in the brown bag?!?!"). i can come up with new paris hilton jabs and jokes about tom and katie. i could TOTALLY rock it as a celeblogger (a term i'm pretty sure i made up all by myself. like blogmunity. other people claim that...but i'm sure it was me that typed it first.)

the thing is, i can't figure out how it works. how on earth did this guy get famous enough to be let in to EVERY celebrity party and award show? where does this fabulous site get all the dirt?

and more importantly, how are they making a living from it? where does the money come from?

i've been thinking about this a lot...and i've figured out how to get my foot in this very valuable door. here's my plan:

if everyone i know becomes super famous, and gives me the express rights to all their deep dark secrets. then i'll just post them on the internet for all to see. about two months after that, i'll start getting calls from the adam carolla radio show, good morning america and total request live. not too long after that i'll branch out and start my own interactive celebrity gossip magazine/blog/1-900 number. it shouldn't take too long before i get my own talk show, couture shoe line for target and people tattoo my face/name on their various parts when drunk.

as you can see, it's a failproof plan.

so, i've done my part. now you....go get famous.

and until then...here are some of my favorite celeblogs: (and don't say i didn't give you a heads up about grownup content/language)
www.dlisted.com
www.thesuperficial.com
www.celebspin.com
www.egotastic.com
www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com

have fun little bunnies.

let the hormones rage on!

2007-03-11T19:23:00.000-07:00

i saw this today and cried like someone broke my ipod.

i am already a horrible mother

2007-02-27T15:58:00.000-08:00

this according to my boss.

we were sitting in this ridiculous training today, filled with less than intelligent people and your run of the mill awful trainers.

after about two hours of this (and given my awful heartburn keeping me awake till the wee hours) i started to feel hostile. i mean, seriously, people were asking really STUPID questions. so i make a very sarcastic (and funny) comment to the lady sitting next to me about the row of women two tables up who seem to be stuck in 1983 with their winged mullets.

my boss (who, as you may already know, i LOATHE) leans over to me and says, "breanna, you're passing on hatred and judgementalism to your baby. you need to focus on love and acceptance of those who bother you."

to which i replied

"no. i'm passing on high standards. i'm making it clear that stupidity is not an option."

he laughed a little. but seriously?!?! this is actually bothering me. for several reasons really. because, is he right? i mean, am i doing damage to my unborn child by being intolerant of people being voluntary idiots?

and also? is it okay that he even said that? given the fact that we are, in NO WAY, friends or even friendly on most days.

then, later at lunch i was talking to the girls about american idol. and he says
"breanna, you went to college, right?"
"yes."
"what was your major?"
"psychology"
"so, you've been exposed to politics and ethics and social matters and such?"
"yes."
"so why is it that you're always talking about shallow, useless things like reality tv?"

well i gave him an answer. and i won't bore you with it. but please keep in mind that i've been doing this bastard's job for over a year now. and that he is the scum of the scum of the earth. i could go on and on. but i respect you, so i won't.

but can i strike back somehow?

My sincerest apologies....

2007-02-22T13:43:00.000-08:00

i can admit when i've been wrong. and i'm not too proud to say i'm sorry. here's proof:

dear cable guy,
i'm sorry that when you came to my house on August 26th 2006 i didn't take you more seriously. i shouldn't have made fun of you to all my friends, especially on the internet for all to see. that was mean and uncalled for.

furthermore, i'm sorry i did not heed your warning. i could've used those 4 months so much better than i did. how i was i to know that on december 27, exactly 4 months after your fateful housecall, i would find myself knocked up just like you said? you called it, cable guy. you and the many spirits you brought with you.

so here's my public apology. i owe you one buddy. instead of listening to you, i listened to all the doctor's that have told me i'd never be "with child." oh, if i had known then what i know now. no wonder you saw me as a "big green grape," as it seems to be shaping up that way. you sure know your stuff.

this is an open invitation to return to my house, cable guy, any time you want-cable or not. if you've got any inklings or dead people telling you about lottery tickets i should buy, or the best way for me to break into the music scene, please stop by. i'll be there, just me and the baby.

sincerely,
breanna

it's the most wonderful time of the year

2007-02-20T17:32:00.000-08:00

lookie lookie what i found at the store today!!!!!!!!

life is gooooooooooood.

a minor rant

2007-02-10T23:14:00.000-08:00

this happened awhile ago, but i've been behind on my podcasts and just heard about it today (also, i don't watch the news. so what.)

but have you heard this story about the woman who died in sacremento from a water drinking contest on a morning radio show to win a nintendo Wii??

if you haven't heard the story, watch this first:

so, the story develops, ten employees of radio show are fired, lawsuits are looming. blame is placed left and right.

but, i'm sorry? at which point does SOMEONE acknowledge that this woman drank herself to death VOLUNTARILY. she chose to participate in the stupid contest, she even signed a waiver. and yes, sure, the radio show staff should've looked into the risks of excessive water consumption. of course. but more than that SHE should have looked into it herself. i am actually angry about this.

because three innocent children are left without a mother AND without the stupid video game system because, despite drinking herself to death, she quit before winning. i just cannot fathom why she wouldn't have looked into it. PLUS someone called into the radio show and DID warn them about water intoxication and the risks. and SHE KEPT DRINKING. she said she felt sick. AND SHE KEPT DRINKING. all for a video game.

of course i think this is tragic. but i just get so angry about people being stupid, and no one seems to question it. why would she not say to herself, "you know, it would be great to give this game system to my kids, but i've just heard that trying to win it could be fatal. so i'm going to choose to give them a lifetime with a mother instead." i just DON'T get it.

and i hate this trend where it's acceptable to blame everyone else for things people choose. lawsuits against mcdonalds for making people fat. why isn't mcdonalds suing fat people for giving their business a bad name? why is ALL the blame being placed on these radio show employees? why do so many people get away with being stupid?

"i'm like, you know, you're biggest um, fan"

2007-02-01T20:58:00.000-08:00

i have a pretty extensive history of saying stupid things to celebrities. which means i've met quite a few celebrities. and blown it mostly everytime.

let me qualify "celebrity." for the most part, it's "celebrity in the Christian music world," although not every time.

it actually surprises me (still) that i get so flustered and fumbly around famous people. i'm a fairly cool person (in the sense that i am way too proud to let someone know i think they're cool in any way...well, normal people) with a great vocabulary who functions really well under pressure. so why on earth did i say the following thing to Dr. Laura this very night at Walmart???

DrL: hi! nice to see you!
me: (giggle. blush.) hi
she begins signing the book i stood in line for an hour to have her sign.
me: thank you (giggle. blush)
rebeccamarie: tell her what you wanted to say
me: oh. um. well i'm my husbands...i'm his wife. and it's because of your first book. well, not your first book. i mean the book before this one. i mean, not the one just before this one, but the one that comes before this one in the series. i mean, we were married before i read it, so it's not like, um, i'm a wife because of the book...but i liked the book. (deep sigh...humiliation begins to set in)
DrL:okay. good. thanks.
me: okay. thanks, um. thank you.

this isn't the first time. when i met jars of clay i said:
JOC: hey! thanks for coming out
me: yeah, cause i really like what you guys do. i'm glad you didn't like go mainstream just cause you could get more money. i mean, i'm glad you're, you know.
JOC:well thanks. hey, i really like your nailpolish!
me: well i got it at target. i could get more.
JOC: (looks to the person next to me, waiting for me to leave)

and when i met carmen:
C: hey little lady! (i was like 6)
me: i like the one where you box. because i like boxing. because my grandpa and i watch boxing. but i don't really like the song.
C: well i'm glad you like part of it

and when i saw will smith at magic mountain
me: hey will! do the line about the sugar! MORE SUGAR!
will: (from pretty far away) that wasn't my line!

it goes on and on. i'm not kidding. trust me that the words are may even more horrible by my bright red face and fidgeting and stuttering. it reminds me of that time i was on the news and made a total fool of myself...how far reaching could this be?!?! maybe i'll call dr. laura tomorrow and ask her for some help

sweet!

2007-01-26T20:43:00.000-08:00

i morphed into an m&m!
you can too!
www.becomeanmm.com

snow days

2007-01-17T12:48:00.000-08:00

we're having snow days in portland! and i'm loving it. not just because i have sufficient excuse to not go to work, but i think the snow is just gorgeous. growing up in SoCal didn't exactly provide white christmases, so this is very surreal for me.

for those of you not in portland, the video below is a little taste of what's been going on. and, don't think i'm mean or anything, but the cars sliding is kinda pretty, like if you watch it without the sound and play a lovely classical song in the background...it's nearly choreographed. this video is all the rage on the local news stations.

added bonus? the video was taken by this guy i went to college with...we were really good friends there for awhile, then he kinda disappeared. so it's really nice to know he's doing well and still in the area. (anyone remember derek porter???)

i can't stop

2007-01-06T21:13:00.000-08:00

i grew up across the street from a Sonic Burger. I'd have to walk by it twice a day on my way to/from school. i've never cared too much for the food, but the drinks are UNBELIEVABLE. i miss them like crazy.

they've been playing Sonic Burger commercials in oregon for YEARS now. closest Sonic? IDAHO. it's misery. i don't remember how i found this, but i'm a little obsessed (you guys should know by now that i'm predisposed to obsession with random, seemingly boring things.) anyway- try it.

http://www.maketjdrink.com/

just checking in-

2006-12-28T18:29:00.000-08:00

hey dudes and dudettes. how were your holidays? was santa good to you? did you have great pie?

we had a pretty nice holiday at the mister's folks place up in washington. they've got the "great cooking" genes. and the "eat a lot of great cooking and stay great looking" genes. i don't really have either of those.

i'm enjoying a few more days off before i return to work. i like not working. i like it a lot. not that the laundry gets done any more quickly, i'm not the type to take full advantage of rare free time by getting a long list of to-do's done. i prefer to sleep. and catch up on tv. and shop. ooooooooh the shopping.

anyway. it's nearly 2007. i've never had any consistent new years eve traditions. new years eve generally ends up being a flop, either because i've tried too hard to make it fabulous, or i've not tried at all, thinking fabulous will happen all on it's own.

so i'm looking for ideas. QUICK. you've got three days. gimme something good.

it's a pre-christmas MIRACLE!!!

2006-12-12T22:01:00.000-08:00

so, one of my favorite bands of all time is Keane. i adore them. i'll spare you the gushy details.

amanda and i had tickets to see them a few months ago. we were SO excited. and that is a tremendous understatement. we had been planning for months.

then, for reasons that i don't hold against them (alright, fine, the lead singer was in rehab) the show was cancelled like, days before it was scheduled to occur.

we were devastated. which is a tremendous understatement. we held a keanmourning ceremony. it was heartbreaking.

then, just tonight, i was wasting my time online instead of working on my grad school application. and what did i discover?!?!?!?

THEY'RE COMING BACK TO US!!!!

that's right. january 29th 2007, keane will make our dreams come true. i bought the tickets immediately. and the new countdown begins.

that, and the constant prayers that Thom doesn't relapse.

yes it IS a sport!

2006-12-05T19:54:00.000-08:00

admit it...you wish you could do this:

yes, i am lame enough to make a post from a cheesy email forward.

2006-12-01T13:39:00.000-08:00

these are real live websites. that's all you need to know.

1.Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com

2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com

oh, and also.........MY NEW CAR FINALLY ARRIVED!!!! (heroin free, i might add)

breanna and the curse of the auto mall PART 2

2006-11-27T11:02:00.000-08:00

it's been two weeks since i bought the delightful CR-V. and i'm sure you're dying to know how luxurious it feels.

so am i.

that's right, i still don't have it. the curse continues.

as it turns out, the CR-V is made in japan. when a shipment of over 100 arrived into the port of portland, it was filled with heroin.

yep. my CR-V is packed with drugs. some might consider that a bonus...more bang for my buck.

unfortunately, the authorities are detaining the entire shipment for WHO KNOWS HOW LONG to ensure that no heroin is hidden anywhere. imagine my surprise upon reclining the seat and discovering an eight ball. or whatever the street term is for heroin.

when i first heard about this, i was told it was meth. which made no sense to me. i thought meth was strictly a north portland thing? i was really confused. then yesterday i got the update that it's actually heroin. much classier if you ask me. meth should be shipped in mini vans. heroin in CR-V's and cocaine in mercedes. if i were in charge that's how i'd do it.

so the wait continues. we finally demanded that the dealership give us a "loaner" car (thanks rebecca marie for the suggestion). when we went to pick it up yesterday, they didn't have one. so they put my mister in a brand new honda accura complete with sunroof and heated leather seats. lucky him. but there's no way i was going to drive it. not with my curse still in full effect. i figured, hey, i've been driving this civic for quite awhile and haven't done anything to it, why risk it?

so that's the update. because i know you're all just holding your breath. well, the two of you who have read my blog in the last two weeks :)

breanna and the curse of the auto mall.

2006-11-19T12:09:00.000-08:00

i needn't remind you of what happened when the mister and i went to buy our new car a few months back, right? the curse continues....

it all starts last saturday night. i was on my way home from newberg at about 10:30pm. oh...before we go any further, you should know that i've been back to driving that old truck i've had since i was 16...the mister decided that if i wanted the next new car, which i do, he should get to have the current new car. fair enough.

so i'm in the truck coming back from newberg. and the thing just stops working. seriously. it's completely dark, i'm alone and starving (as i hadn't eaten since about 7am) and exhausted from an incredibly long day. so i did what anyone would do. i cried like a baby. a few hours later, when someone was finally able to find me and pick me up (at least i had cell phone service) i was still crying.

so, sunday we headed out to the same dealership where we got the car. other than THE INCIDENT last time, this dealership was pretty great and we've enjoyed the car quite a bit. so it made sense that, since i've wanted a honda CR-V for like about 7 years now, we'd head back over. with the mister completing the test drive of course.

it's super dark and raining like crazy. we get to the dealership and everything actually goes wonderfully. we didn't crash into anything!! the only downside? the color i want isn't available until february. which sucks because february isn't an option for me. i need a car TODAY. so i sacrifice my dreams of a red cr-v, and settle for boring old silver. the other bummer? it was "in transit" so it wouldn't arrive for about a week (and i'd like to jump ahead and complain that i STILL don't have it even today! grrr)

so we head into the office to sign allllll the paperwork and hand over a lot of our money, when an employee runs in and says "do you guys own the grey '06 civic?" and we say "yes" and he says "someone just hit it in the parking lot and tried to take off."

at which point i erupted into tears again. for like, the forteenth time in 24 hours.

i am SO done with the auto mall. i clearly have pissed off the honda civic powers that be, seeing as how one is brutally attacked everytime i'm there.

so now...just sitting waiting wishing my new car would get delivered already!

a blogcation for my friends

2006-11-07T16:00:00.000-08:00

well darlings, i've returned, slightly tanned and completely relaxed. i had a lovely time, and so i brought the vacation back for all of you sitting at your desks and on your couches in the rain and cold...

first, set your thermostat to about 86 degrees...pour yourself a glass of wine, and get comfy.

welcome to the resort!

this is where we get the wine...and the martinis. it's only thirty seconds from our room!

now we'll take a little ride down to citywalk for some great food and fun!

it's a beautiful day! there's lots to see like the biggest Hard Rock Cafe you'll find...

and just next door, our favorite place, NBA city!

look how small our hand looks in Kobe's MVP hand!

no trip to orlando would be complete without visiting Universal Studios...only we're very important people, so we get to go after they close and ride all the rides without waiting in any lines...8 times and counting friends!

and have a drink or two in between rides! cheers!

then we'll play all the games for free, and win lots of prizes for kids that aren't ours...(girlspawn i've got a fuzzy friend for you!) and we'll take a picture with the cute carnie named LUZ

now get some rest...it's back to work tomorrow and you've still got to get used to the time change!

see ya later!

2006-10-30T20:10:00.000-08:00

i've been looking forward to this for quite awhile now...and it's finally here! in a mere 10 hours the mister and i board a plane bound for ORLANDO FLORIDA!!!

i've never been on that side of the country and i couldn't be more ready for a looooong break! and i haven't packed yet, so you get lovely florida pictures instead! see you next week!

our AMAZING hotel...portofino bay resort:

what i'll be doing most of the time:

go ahead. be jealous. every blogger gets their chance for a vacay...this is mine!

dolls are scary. need proof?

2006-10-23T20:33:00.000-07:00

for my 13th birthday i decided to have the ultimate girl sleepover complete with messy pedicures, thirty bags of doritos and microwave s'mores. and i figured that one's 13th birthday is exactly the time to watch one's first SCAAAARRRRY movie. so off me and the little ladies went (full pajama attire) to blockbuster (remember those? they were these stores that let you browse around and rent movies for a few days...) and trekked down the horror film aisle. and what did we choose?

we all giggled at how silly it would be. how dumb. by the time we were 20 minutes in...we were all silent in terror, hoping no one else would notice the trembling and nail biting. when the movie ended, we all forced giggles and "that was like, so laaaame" but none of us slept a wink. and no one went to the bathroom until daylight because my grandma has this insane collection of giraffe figurines ranging from very small to ENORMOUS and creepy lining the hallway front to back.

since that night, i've been quite afraid of dolls. basically, all dolls look like this to me:

knock knock

2006-10-18T14:12:00.000-07:00

so, last night i was safely at home, in my pj's and cooking dinner (you'd have been impressed...orange chicken and herbed mashed potatoes and asparagus). it was about 7pm. then the doorbell rang. now, i haven't been a real grown-up all that long yet, so i still get pretty excited at unexpected visitors, even though, now that i think about it, they've never been people i'd invite over.

well i went to answer the door, and there stood a guy who looked kinda like this:

only not nearly as hunky. but the outfit is what is key. mainly the hat. only his was olive green.

there are two very important things that you need to know about me at this point in the story. the first is that i desperately WANT to be one of those people that is terrifically educated and concerned and active about the environment. i really do. the problem is, i'm just not. however, if faced with the question as to whether or not i love the environment and would do whatever it takes to preserve her/it, i will ALWAYS say yes and nod my head as though it was already my life's goal to stop global warming.

the second is, and please don't take advantage of this, i just CAN'T say no to people who are working for a cause. and it doesn't matter which cause. i just remember back to when i was trying to raise money to work at a Russian Orphanage, and how miserable it was going door to door. and my mom did a great job of teaching me "it's not how much money you have, it's what you do with it that makes the money valuable" (and trust me, my mister usually wishes my mom would've worded that differently...) so i generally will give whatever money i have in my wallet or purse or couch cushion to whatever cause is knocking at the door or calling during dinner. and the mister is not too pleased with this.

so we've worked out a system that saves us both. he told me that anytime someone calls or comes to the door wanting money and i don't want to be mean or hurt their feelings, i can always say "i'll have to wait to discuss it with my husband. we make all financial decisions together."

this has worked like a charm, as i don't have to be a jerk, and he doesn't have to be mad that i gave away more of his hard earned money.

so this is what i did last night. the guy was very pleasant, quite nice. he wanted to talk about the environment and how the government is doing nothing to save it and how we have to step up and do it ourselves. he said to me, "i'm sure you're already very knowledgeable about the unfortunate state of the environment" to which i replied, "oh yes, very knowledgeable." to which he replied, "so you're on the same page? you want to join our grassroots efforts?" to which i replied, "oh yes. very much."

and then i knew i had to get out of it. he got very excited about my response and began spitting out stats and dollar figures and political jargon and i just kept nodding and hoping the chicken wasn't burning.

eventually i said, "what can i do to help today?" and he said "the best thing is to give money right now. that's what we really need." so i knew i was safe. i had my no-fail out. so i gave him the husband spiel. to which he replied, "well, do you know when he'll be home? i'll be in the neighborhood until nine. i could come back." i said, "oh, he won't be home until very late, and i'm not very comfortable with a late visitor because it's only the two of us that live here, so i'm all alone." so i asked him for the website and assured him i would share the info with my mister later that night.

as i was saying this, my oblivious husband comes walking down the stairs in his underoos and says, "when will dinner be ready honey?"

the guy at the door was visibly upset at having caught me in a lie. i didn't even acknowledge the mister, i just said to the door guy, "and if you see my husband later, please don't tell him about the guy in his underwear. that would be bad." and shut the door.

dear god,

2006-10-16T13:25:00.000-07:00

is it just me? part 2

2006-10-10T20:41:00.000-07:00

(i think my brain is undergoing a major paradigm shift...i sense a series of posts coming...no pressure to care or read, i think i just need to use this avenue to work out some thoughts...)

Many have traveled this road before

I see their tracks in the dirt

maybe I don't agree with where they all lead.

But who am I? just a youth...

but why has that become the excuse?

A monotone voice in my head saying,

"dreaming all the time is so foolish.

Your flood of empty words will drown you in ruin."

So we listen.

But should we listen?

They shake their heads as they drive away in the bandwagon

I didn't feel like hitching a ride

But I'll be fine

Some nights it's hard to be alone

I want some kind of kinship at the finish line

it drives me on when they say,

"dreaming all the time is so foolish.

Your flood of empty words will drown you in ruin."

So we listen.

But should we listen?

Come with me! They'll call us REVOLUTIONARIES!

Dreaming all the time is NOT foolish

Your flood of lifegiving words will refresh

Should we listen, REVOLUTIONARIES?

i have loved this song for a long time. but just today it hit me in a totally different way. i'm working in a field that is intended to be about the business of helping people...healing people. and yet the road is paved with half-hearted footsteps...selfish, self-serving footsteps. it's so widely accepted to do only what is required...just enough to CYA. and i've never felt at home in that mentality. i've been the misfit who is told that my passion for this work will only do me in...come back to bite me. they say the passion and drive will fade as i gain more experience. they have tried to shatter my dreams of what i can do in this world, and for awhile now, i've let them.

but no more! i was not made for mediocrity. i was not given this passion and drive and ability just to throw it all away and fade into the masses. these dreams are not just my own, and they are not unrealistic or unattainable. i can bring about my dreams, both in my career and my personal life. there just isn't any reason not to. the only thing in my way is whether or not i let others say no.

and why is everyone so comfortable with this mediocrity? we all have greatness waiting for us...why do we stop short? did you ever hear about that chick who wanted to swim across the atlantic ocean (or something like that) and she swam for like 20 hours (or some really long time) and a fog settled in and she couldn't see where she was going, and couldn't tell if she was even going in the right direction. so, after a zillion hours of swimming, she called to be picked up by the rescue boat. when they picked her up, she was less than half a mile (so they say) from her destination!!!!

now, i realize that there will be fog between me and these goals of mine, it's inevitable. but i don't have to let people force fog on me, force me to think i'm off course or will never get to where i'm going.

so basically, friends. COME WITH ME! THEY'LL CALL US REVOLUTIONARIES!!!